Single All The Way – Unisex Sweatshirt – Funny Single Christmas Holiday Pullover

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: SINGLE.

SWEATSHIRT STATUS: COZY.

CHRISTMAS STATUS: FESTIVE.

MISTLETOE: AVOIDED.

PLUS-ONE: NOT REQUIRED.

MATCHING COUPLES PAJAMAS: DECLINED.

ENTIRE COUCH: ACQUIRED.

ENTIRE BLANKET: ALSO ACQUIRED.

HOT COCOA: READY.

CHRISTMAS COOKIES: NOT BEING SHARED.

SINGLE ALL THE WAY.

Who needs a holiday romance when you have a cozy fleece-lined sweatshirt, complete control of the remote, and absolutely nobody stealing your side of the blanket?

The Single All The Way Unisex Sweatshirt celebrates the gloriously festive side of flying solo during the holidays.

Featuring the funny phrase “SINGLE ALL THE WAY” in festive holiday-inspired lettering, this cozy Christmas pullover is perfect for happily single friends, recently single friends, permanently suspicious of mistletoe friends, sarcastic coworkers, independent holiday lovers, and anyone who would prefer Aunt Linda simply pass the pie instead of asking about their dating life.

Again.

Made with a cozy fleece interior and relaxed unisex fit, it’s ready for Christmas parties, ugly sweater gatherings, office celebrations, family dinners, Christmas shopping, cookie exchanges, tree decorating, winter errands, movie marathons, cocoa drinking, couch lounging, and strategically avoiding anyone carrying mistletoe.

Being single during the holidays isn’t something you have to survive.

You can absolutely…

SLEIGH IT SOLO.

Why You’ll Love It:

• Funny “Single All The Way” Design – A cheeky Christmas phrase for anyone celebrating the holidays without a plus-one.
• Cozy Fleece Interior – Warm, comfortable, and ready for cold December nights, Christmas movies, and serious couch lounging.
• Relaxed Unisex Fit – Easygoing holiday comfort for parties, errands, family gatherings, or doing absolutely nothing.
• Perfect Single-Life Christmas Humor – Festive without pretending everyone needs a holiday romance.
• Great Alternative to an Ugly Christmas Sweater – Bring the laughs without wearing three-dimensional reindeer, flashing lights, or fourteen pounds of tinsel.
• Made for Holiday Parties & Pajama Days – Dress it up with jeans or pair it with your favorite lounge pants and disappear into the couch.
• Funny Gift for Single Friends – Great for friends, siblings, coworkers, roommates, cousins, or anyone happily sleighing the season solo.

The Sweatshirt

Friend:

Single All The Way?

You:

Yep.

Friend:

Cozy.

You:

Very.

Friend:

Festive.

You:

Extremely.

Friend:

Single.

You:

We established that.

Friend:

Just checking.

You:

That’s what the sweatshirt is for.

Holiday Status

SINGLE: YES.

COLD: NO.

FLEECE: ACTIVE.

CHRISTMAS MUSIC: PLAYING.

COCOA: HOT.

COOKIES: NEARBY.

RELATIONSHIP EMERGENCY: NONEXISTENT.

Friend:

You seem pretty comfortable.

You:

That’s because I am.

Christmas Morning

TEMPERATURE OUTSIDE: RUDE.

TEMPERATURE INSIDE SWEATSHIRT: EXCELLENT.

COFFEE: BREWING.

CHRISTMAS TREE: GLOWING.

BLANKET: OPTIONAL.

PARTNER STEALING BLANKET: IMPOSSIBLE.

You:

Christmas miracle.

The Family Gathering

Aunt:

So…

You:

No.

Aunt:

I didn’t ask anything.

You:

You were about to.

Aunt:

How would you know?

You:

Because you begin this conversation exactly the same way every year.

Aunt:

I was just wondering—

You:

Points at sweatshirt.

Aunt:

Oh.

You:

There you go.

Aunt:

But are you—

You:

Pie?

Aunt:

What?

You:

Would you like pie?

Aunt:

Sure.

You:

Excellent.

Conversation redirected.

Family Dinner Status

HAM: READY.

POTATOES: READY.

ROLLS: READY.

PIE: READY.

AUNT LINDA: APPROACHING.

DANGER LEVEL: INCREASING.

Aunt Linda:

Are you seeing anyone?

You:

Looks at sweatshirt.

Aunt Linda:

I can read.

You:

Then we’re making progress.

Mom:

Be nice.

You:

I’m delightful.

Aunt Linda:

Well, I know someone—

You:

Emergency pie!

Aunt Linda:

That’s not a thing.

You:

It is now.

The Grandmother

Grandma:

You need to find someone nice.

You:

I’m sure someone nice exists.

Grandma:

I’ll help.

You:

That’s what I’m afraid of.

Grandma:

I know a lovely person.

You:

Grandma.

Grandma:

Good family.

You:

Grandma.

Grandma:

Has a job.

You:

GRANDMA.

Grandma:

Fine.

More potatoes?

You:

Now we’re talking.

The Cousin

Cousin:

Still single?

You:

Still married?

Cousin:

…

You:

See how weird that question sounds?

Cousin:

Point taken.

You:

Cookie?

Cousin:

Absolutely.

The Christmas Party

Friend:

Where’s your date?

You:

Didn’t bring one.

Friend:

Flying solo?

You:

Sleighing solo.

Friend:

You’ve been waiting all month to say that.

You:

Since Thanksgiving.

Party Status

ARRIVAL: SOLO.

SWEATSHIRT: FESTIVE.

APPETIZERS: LOCATED.

COOKIES: LOCATED.

FRIENDS: LOCATED.

PLUS-ONE: UNNECESSARY.

EXIT TIME: ENTIRELY YOUR DECISION.

You:

That’s the underrated part.

Friend:

Leaving whenever you want?

You:

POWER.

The Mistletoe

Friend:

Careful.

You:

Why?

Friend:

Mistletoe.

You:

Immediately changes direction.

Friend:

That was fast.

You:

Training.

Mistletoe Defense System

MISTLETOE: DETECTED.

DISTANCE: SIX FEET.

TRAJECTORY: CALCULATED.

COURSE: ADJUSTED.

CONTACT: AVOIDED.

SINGLE STATUS: PRESERVED.

You:

Flawless execution.

The Accidental Mistletoe

Person:

Hey.

You:

Hey.

Person:

We’re under mistletoe.

You:

Looks up.

Person:

So…

You:

Takes two steps backward.

Person:

…

You:

Fixed it.

Person:

Efficient.

You:

Thank you.

The Ugly Sweater Party

Friend:

Where’s your ugly sweater?

You:

Points at sweatshirt.

Friend:

That’s not ugly.

You:

Thank you.

Friend:

You’re supposed to wear an ugly Christmas sweater.

You:

I chose comedy over ugliness.

Friend:

Acceptable.

Ugly Sweater Contest

LIGHT-UP REINDEER: DETECTED.

TINSEL SLEEVES: DETECTED.

THREE-DIMENSIONAL SANTA: DETECTED.

BATTERY PACK: SOMEHOW INVOLVED.

YOUR SWEATSHIRT: COMFORTABLE.

You:

I already won.

Friend:

That’s not how the contest works.

You:

I won at comfort.

The Office Christmas Party

Coworker:

Single All The Way?

You:

Yep.

Coworker:

Bringing anyone tonight?

You:

The sweatshirt answered this.

Coworker:

Fair.

You:

Are there appetizers?

Coworker:

Yes.

You:

Then I have everything I need.

Office Party Priorities

PLUS-ONE: NO.

FREE FOOD: YES.

HOLIDAY COOKIES: YES.

BOSS ATTEMPTING KARAOKE: UNFORTUNATELY YES.

You:

Worth it.

The Matching Pajamas Couple

Couple:

Look!

We got matching Christmas pajamas!

You:

Cute.

Couple:

You should get matching pajamas.

You:

With whom?

Couple:

Someone.

You:

I match myself every day.

Couple:

That’s not the same.

You:

My coordination is flawless.

Pajama Status

TOP: MATCHES PERSONALITY.

BOTTOM: MATCHES TOP.

PERSON ONE: MATCHES PERSON ONE.

MISSION: ACCOMPLISHED.

You:

Checkmate.

The Matching Christmas Sweater Couple

Partner One:

Look at our matching sweaters!

You:

Adorable.

Partner Two:

You need someone to match with.

You:

Why?

Partner Two:

It’s festive.

You:

My sleeves match each other.

Partner One:

…

You:

Checkmate again.

The Couple’s Holiday Schedule

Couple:

Christmas Eve at her parents.

Christmas morning at mine.

Christmas lunch at her grandmother’s.

Christmas dinner at my sister’s.

Then we’re driving three hours home.

You:

Wow.

Couple:

What’s your schedule?

You:

Wake up.

Coffee.

Presents.

Food.

Nap.

Couple:

We hate you.

You:

Understandable.

Single Holiday Logistics

FAMILY SCHEDULE NEGOTIATIONS: MINIMAL.

TRAVEL ARGUMENTS: ZERO.

WHOSE HOUSE FIRST: NOT APPLICABLE.

WHOSE HOUSE SECOND: ALSO NOT APPLICABLE.

NAP: SCHEDULED.

You:

Efficient.

The Christmas Movie Marathon

Friend:

What are we watching?

You:

Holiday romance.

Friend:

Really?

You:

Why not?

Friend:

You’re single.

You:

And?

Friend:

Nothing.

You:

Exactly.

Friend:

You don’t get tired of predictable romances?

You:

Never.

Christmas Movie Formula

SMALL TOWN: ADORABLE.

SNOW: PERFECTLY TIMED.

BAKERY: IN FINANCIAL TROUBLE.

BIG-CITY PROFESSIONAL: ARRIVING.

CHILDHOOD CRUSH: SUSPICIOUSLY SINGLE.

CHRISTMAS FESTIVAL: IMMINENT.

MISUNDERSTANDING: GUARANTEED.

ROMANCE: APPROXIMATELY 47 MINUTES AWAY.

Friend:

You’ve done this before.

You:

Hundreds of times.

The Couch

Friend:

Move over.

You:

Why?

Friend:

I need somewhere to sit.

You:

This is my couch.

Friend:

There’s room.

You:

Technically.

Friend:

You’re lying diagonally.

You:

Single privilege.

Friend:

That’s not real.

You:

It is in this house.

Couch Status

LEFT CUSHION: YOURS.

CENTER CUSHION: YOURS.

RIGHT CUSHION: YOURS.

REMOTE: YOURS.

BLANKET: YOURS.

SNACKS: NEGOTIABLE.

You:

Luxury.

The Blanket

Friend:

Nobody steals your blanket?

You:

Nobody.

Friend:

Nobody rolls over and pulls it away?

You:

Nope.

Friend:

Nobody somehow ends up with 90% of it?

You:

Nope.

Friend:

Okay.

I’m beginning to understand.

Blanket Ownership Status

LEFT HALF: YOURS.

RIGHT HALF: YOURS.

MIDDLE: YOURS.

EXTRA BLANKET: ALSO YOURS.

BLANKET DISPUTES: ZERO.

You:

Peace.

The Bed

Friend:

You sleep diagonally?

You:

Sometimes.

Friend:

Why?

You:

Because geography permits it.

Friend:

That’s ridiculous.

You:

That’s freedom.

Bed Status

LEFT SIDE: AVAILABLE.

RIGHT SIDE: AVAILABLE.

MIDDLE: AVAILABLE.

DIAGONAL: AVAILABLE.

PILLOWS: ALL YOURS.

PERSON STEALING COVERS: NONE.

You:

Five stars.

The Thermostat

You:

Cold.

Turns heat up.

Nobody:

Can you turn that down?

You:

…

Nobody:

Seriously, it’s too warm.

You:

…

You:

I love this house.

Thermostat Status

TEMPERATURE: YOUR DECISION.

NEGOTIATIONS: ZERO.

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE ADJUSTMENTS: ZERO.

COMFORT: MAXIMUM.

The Remote

You:

Christmas movie.

Nobody:

Football.

You:

Another Christmas movie.

Nobody:

Can we watch something else?

You:

Third Christmas movie.

Nobody:

We watched this yesterday.

You:

Single life has benefits.

The Christmas Cookies

Friend:

Can I have one?

You:

Sure.

Friend:

Last one?

You:

Absolutely not.

Friend:

Why?

You:

Christmas law.

Friend:

What Christmas law?

You:

I live here.

I make the laws.

Cookie Status

BATCH SIZE: 24.

COOKIES EATEN: 23.

COOKIES REMAINING: 1.

FRIEND REQUESTING FINAL COOKIE: DETECTED.

REQUEST: DENIED.

Friend:

You’re selfish.

You:

I’m festive.

The Hot Cocoa

Friend:

Marshmallows?

You:

Yes.

Friend:

Whipped cream?

You:

Yes.

Friend:

Candy cane?

You:

Yes.

Friend:

That’s excessive.

You:

It’s December.

Excessive is seasonal.

Cocoa Status

COCOA: HOT.

MARSHMALLOWS: TOO MANY.

WHIPPED CREAM: STRUCTURALLY QUESTIONABLE.

CANDY CANE: ADDED.

REGRETS: ZERO.

The Gingerbread House

Friend:

Need help?

You:

No.

Friend:

That roof doesn’t look stable.

You:

It’s fine.

Friend:

It’s sliding.

You:

It’s settling.

Gingerbread House:

Collapses.

Friend:

It settled.

You:

I don’t need this negativity.

Gingerbread Construction Status

FOUNDATION: QUESTIONABLE.

FROSTING: EVERYWHERE.

ROOF: COLLAPSED.

GUMDROPS: MISSING.

CULPRIT: PROBABLY YOU.

You:

Still delicious.

Decorating the Tree

Friend:

Want help?

You:

I’ve got it.

Friend:

Tree’s leaning.

You:

Character.

Friend:

Star is crooked.

You:

Artistic choice.

Friend:

Lights are tangled.

You:

Traditional.

Christmas Tree Status

TREE: UP.

LIGHTS: MOSTLY WORKING.

ORNAMENTS: HANGING.

STAR: SLIGHTLY CROOKED.

ARGUMENTS ABOUT ORNAMENT PLACEMENT: ZERO.

You:

Perfect.

The Christmas Lights

You:

I put these away neatly last year.

Lights:

Tangled beyond comprehension.

You:

HOW?

Lights:

…

You:

I WAS SINGLE THEN TOO.

WHO DID THIS?

Lights:

…

You:

Unbelievable.

Holiday Betrayal Status

EX: NOT INVOLVED.

DATE: NOT INVOLVED.

CHRISTMAS LIGHTS: STILL SOMEHOW BETRAYED YOU.

You:

Trust nobody.

Holiday Shopping

Friend:

Shopping alone?

You:

Yep.

Friend:

Nobody to help choose gifts?

You:

Nobody telling me we’re done shopping.

Friend:

Dangerous.

You:

Extremely.

Shopping Status

GIFTS FOR FAMILY: 6.

GIFTS FOR FRIENDS: 4.

GIFTS FOR YOURSELF: 5.

Friend:

Five?

You:

I know what I like.

Friend:

Apparently.

Being Your Own Secret Santa

You:

I wonder what I got myself.

Also You:

Something amazing.

You:

How thoughtful.

Also You:

I know you well.

You:

You’re the best.

Secret Santa Status

NAME DRAWN: YOURS.

BUDGET: IGNORED.

GIFT: PERFECT.

SURPRISE: ZERO.

SATISFACTION: 100%.

The Present

Friend:

Who gave you that?

You:

Me.

Friend:

You bought yourself a Christmas gift?

You:

Several.

Friend:

Several?

You:

I’m very generous.

Friend:

To yourself.

You:

I deserve it.

The Dating App

Phone:

NEW MATCH.

You:

Interesting.

Phone:

NEW MESSAGE.

You:

Later.

Phone:

NEW MATCH.

You:

Christmas movie starting.

Phone:

NEW—

You:

Do Not Disturb.

Phone:

…

You:

Peace restored.

Dating Status

APP: INSTALLED.

MATCHES: POSSIBLE.

COUCH: COMFORTABLE.

OUTSIDE TEMPERATURE: COLD.

MOTIVATION TO PUT ON REAL PANTS: LOW.

You:

January exists.

The December Date

Friend:

You going on that date?

You:

Maybe.

Friend:

Maybe?

You:

It’s 34 degrees outside.

Friend:

And?

You:

My couch is inside.

Friend:

That’s your argument?

You:

It’s compelling.

The Ex Text

Phone:

Hey stranger.

You:

No.

Friend:

What?

You:

The ghosts of Christmas relationships past have awakened.

Friend:

What’d they say?

You:

“Hey stranger.”

Friend:

How many Y’s?

You:

Three.

Friend:

Dangerous.

Ex Text Status

MESSAGE: RECEIVED.

TIME: 11:42 PM.

NUMBER OF Y’S: THREE.

INTENTIONS: SUSPICIOUS.

RESPONSE REQUIRED: NO.

PHONE: FACE DOWN.

COCOA: RESUMED.

You:

Merry Christmas to me.

The Ex

Ex:

How have you been?

You:

Good.

Ex:

Seeing anyone?

You:

Looks down at sweatshirt.

Ex:

Right.

You:

Efficient, isn’t it?

Ex:

Very.

You:

Saved us both time.

The Recently Single Friend

Friend:

First Christmas single in years.

You:

How’s it going?

Friend:

Weird.

You:

Bad weird?

Friend:

Not really.

You:

Good.

Friend:

I forgot I can just do whatever I want.

You:

Welcome.

Friend:

Is there a handbook?

You:

No.

Friend:

Orientation?

You:

No.

Friend:

Membership card?

You:

This sweatshirt is the closest thing.

The Breakup Christmas

Friend:

I thought I’d hate being single this Christmas.

You:

And?

Friend:

I’m actually okay.

You:

Good.

Friend:

I ordered takeout.

You:

Excellent.

Friend:

Bought myself a gift.

You:

Excellent.

Friend:

Watched three Christmas movies.

You:

You’re learning quickly.

The Happily Single Friend

Person:

Don’t you want someone?

You:

Maybe eventually.

Person:

But you’re single.

You:

Correct.

Person:

And you’re okay with that?

You:

Also correct.

Person:

Oh.

You:

Were you expecting an emergency?

Person:

Not exactly.

You:

Good.

Because I’m busy eating cookies.

Single Life Status

SINGLE: YES.

MISERABLE: NO.

LOOKING: MAYBE.

RUSHING: ABSOLUTELY NOT.

COZY: EXTREMELY.

FESTIVE: EXTREMELY.

The Friend Who Wants to Set You Up

Friend:

I know someone PERFECT for you.

You:

No.

Friend:

You haven’t heard anything about them.

You:

December moratorium.

Friend:

What’s that?

You:

No blind dates until January.

Friend:

You invented that.

You:

Correct.

Friend:

They’re funny.

You:

January.

Friend:

Smart.

You:

January.

Friend:

Owns a bakery.

You:

…

Friend:

Got you.

You:

Tell me more.

The Plot Twist

Person:

I like your sweatshirt.

You:

Thanks.

Person:

Single All The Way?

You:

That’s the current plan.

Person:

Want a Christmas cookie?

You:

…

Person:

What?

You:

What kind?

Person:

Chocolate chip.

You:

The plan is under review.

Friend Across Room:

I KNEW IT!

You:

BE QUIET.

Holiday Status Update

SINGLE: CURRENTLY.

COOKIE: OFFERED.

COOKIE TYPE: CHOCOLATE CHIP.

COOKIE QUALITY: PROMISING.

PERSON OFFERING COOKIE: ALSO PROMISING.

SINGLE ALL THE WAY PLAN: SUBJECT TO CHANGE WITHOUT NOTICE.

Friend:

So much for independence.

You:

It’s a sweatshirt, not a contract.

The Dog

You:

Single All The Way.

Dog:

Stares lovingly.

You:

See?

I have companionship.

Dog:

Notices someone else has food.

Leaves immediately.

You:

Betrayal.

Dog Holiday Status

LOYALTY: HIGH.

FOOD DETECTED ELSEWHERE: YES.

LOYALTY: REVISED.

You:

Dating prepared me for this.

The Cat

You:

At least I have you.

Cat:

Knocks ornament off tree.

You:

We’re family.

Cat:

Knocks second ornament off tree.

You:

Please stop.

Cat:

Climbs tree.

You:

GET DOWN.

Cat:

Refuses.

You:

Single life is not always peaceful.

The Roommate

Roommate:

Christmas movie?

You:

Yes.

Roommate:

Pizza?

You:

Yes.

Roommate:

Cocoa?

You:

Yes.

Roommate:

Matching pajamas?

You:

Don’t push it.

Roommate:

Fair.

The Single Friend Group

Friend One:

Single.

Friend Two:

Single.

Friend Three:

Single.

You:

Single.

Friend One:

Christmas Eve plans?

You:

Food.

Friend Two:

Movies.

Friend Three:

Games.

You:

Cookies.

Friend One:

Perfect.

Singles Christmas Status

PLUS-ONES: ZERO.

FRIENDS: MANY.

FOOD: EXCESSIVE.

COOKIES: EXCESSIVE.

COCOA: EXCESSIVE.

LAUGHTER: EXCESSIVE.

RELATIONSHIP DRAMA: MINIMAL.

Everyone:

Best Christmas ever.

The Solo Christmas Morning

You:

Coffee?

You:

Yes, thank you.

You:

Presents?

You:

Absolutely.

You:

Christmas movie?

You:

Great idea.

You:

You’re very easy to live with.

You:

I know.

Solo Morning Status

COFFEE: EXACTLY RIGHT.

BREAKFAST: YOUR CHOICE.

MUSIC: YOUR CHOICE.

SCHEDULE: YOUR CHOICE.

NAP TIME: YOUR CHOICE.

COMPROMISE: UNNECESSARY.

You:

Efficient household.

The Single All The Way Unisex Sweatshirt

A ridiculously cozy Christmas gift for:

Happily single people.

Proudly single people.

Recently single people.

Intentionally single people.

Accidentally single people.

Chronically single people.

Single friends.

Single best friends.

Single siblings.

Single cousins.

Single coworkers.

Single roommates.

Single Christmas lovers.

Single holiday enthusiasts.

Single introverts.

Single extroverts.

People sleighing it solo.

People happily flying solo.

People without a plus-one.

People who don’t need a plus-one.

People who enjoy Christmas parties alone.

People who would rather stay home.

People who love cozy Christmas nights.

People who love fleece sweatshirts.

People who love holiday movie marathons.

People who love hot cocoa.

People who love Christmas cookies.

People who refuse to share the last Christmas cookie.

People avoiding mistletoe.

People suspicious of mistletoe.

People with excellent mistletoe-avoidance reflexes.

People dodging relationship questions.

People dodging family matchmaking.

People with nosy relatives.

People with extremely nosy relatives.

People with an Aunt Linda.

People who ARE Aunt Linda.

People who know what they did.

People who have heard:

“So, are you seeing anyone?”

far too many times.

People who immediately change the subject to dessert.

People who understand dessert is a safer conversation.

People who enjoy having the whole couch.

People who enjoy having the whole bed.

People who sleep diagonally.

People who control the thermostat.

People who control the remote.

People who control the Christmas playlist.

People who don’t negotiate movie choices.

People who don’t negotiate dinner choices.

People who don’t negotiate holiday travel schedules.

People who don’t share blankets.

People who own every pillow on the bed.

People who buy themselves Christmas presents.

People who wrap their own Christmas presents.

People who pretend to be surprised.

People who are their own Secret Santa.

People who dramatically exceed their own Secret Santa budget.

People who call this self-care.

People who attend ugly sweater parties.

People who want something more comfortable than an ugly sweater.

People who attend office Christmas parties.

People who attend family Christmas dinners.

People who attend cookie exchanges.

People who attend Christmas movie nights.

People who stay home instead.

People who consider staying home the superior event.

People who have dating apps.

People who ignore dating apps during Christmas movies.

People who have exes.

People whose exes mysteriously reappear in December.

People who know “Hey stranger” is rarely innocent.

People who count the Y’s in “heyyy.”

People who put their phone face down and return to cocoa.

People recovering from breakups.

People celebrating their first single Christmas.

People rediscovering independence.

People who are single and happy.

People who are single and looking.

People who are single and not looking.

People who are single and might look again in January.

People whose plans could potentially change for an exceptional Christmas cookie.

People who love sarcastic holiday humor.

People who love relationship jokes.

People who love single-life humor.

People who love Christmas puns.

People who enjoy festive sarcasm.

People looking for a funny single friend gift.

People looking for a Christmas gift for a single friend.

People looking for a single coworker gift.

People looking for a single sister gift.

People looking for a single brother gift.

People looking for a single roommate gift.

People looking for a happily single gift.

People looking for a breakup Christmas gift.

People looking for a funny Christmas sweatshirt.

People looking for a Christmas party sweatshirt.

People looking for an ugly sweater party alternative.

People looking for a sarcastic Christmas sweatshirt.

People looking for a funny holiday pullover.

People looking for cozy Christmas humor.

And anyone heading into the holidays with:

NO PLUS-ONE.

NO PROBLEM.

NO MATCHING SWEATERS.

NO MATCHING PAJAMAS.

NO MISTLETOE OBLIGATIONS.

NO SHARING THE REMOTE.

NO SHARING THE BLANKET.

NO SHARING THE LAST COOKIE.

AND ONE EXTREMELY COZY SWEATSHIRT.

Single All The Way Holiday Status Report

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: SINGLE.

SWEATSHIRT: ON.

FLEECE: COZY.

FIT: RELAXED.

TEMPERATURE: COMFORTABLE.

CHRISTMAS TREE: LIT.

ORNAMENTS: HANGING.

CAT: EYEING ORNAMENTS SUSPICIOUSLY.

CHRISTMAS LIGHTS: SOMEHOW TANGLED.

COOKIES: BAKED.

COOKIES REMAINING: RAPIDLY DECLINING.

HOT COCOA: READY.

MARSHMALLOWS: EXCESSIVE.

CHRISTMAS MOVIE: PLAYING.

ROMANTIC PLOT: PREDICTABLE.

ENJOYMENT: HIGH.

COUCH: ENTIRELY YOURS.

BLANKET: ENTIRELY YOURS.

REMOTE: ENTIRELY YOURS.

THERMOSTAT: ENTIRELY YOURS.

BED: AVAILABLE DIAGONALLY.

MISTLETOE: DETECTED.

COURSE: ADJUSTED.

MISTLETOE: SUCCESSFULLY AVOIDED.

PLUS-ONE: NOT REQUIRED.

MATCHING PAJAMAS: NOT REQUIRED.

MATCHING SWEATERS: NOT REQUIRED.

AUNT LINDA: APPROACHING.

DANGER LEVEL: HIGH.

AUNT LINDA: “SO… ARE YOU SEEING ANYONE?”

SWEATSHIRT: POINTED AT.

AUNT LINDA: TEMPORARILY SILENCED.

FAMILY PEACE: RESTORED.

EX TEXT: DETECTED.

MESSAGE: “HEYYY STRANGER.”

NUMBER OF Y’S: CONCERNING.

RESPONSE: OPTIONAL.

PHONE: FACE DOWN.

COCOA: RESUMED.

SECRET SANTA: YOURSELF.

GIFT QUALITY: EXCELLENT.

SURPRISE LEVEL: ZERO.

HOLIDAY PARTY: ATTENDED SOLO.

EXIT TIME: ENTIRELY YOUR DECISION.

SINGLE STATUS: CONFIRMED.

COZY STATUS: CONFIRMED.

FESTIVE STATUS: CONFIRMED.

HAPPINESS: NOT DEPENDENT ON RELATIONSHIP STATUS.

LAST COOKIE: STILL YOURS.

CURRENT STATUS: SINGLE ALL THE WAY.

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