Battle Unicorn – Unisex T-Shirt – Funny Rhino – Fantasy Animal

UNICORN: MAGICAL.

UNICORN: GRACEFUL.

UNICORN: SPARKLY.

BATTLE UNICORN: 5,000+ POUNDS OF ABSOLUTELY NOT.

Some unicorns prance through enchanted forests.

Some leave trails of glitter.

Some appear beneath rainbows surrounded by butterflies and magical sparkles.

And then there’s this guy.

Meet the…

BATTLE UNICORN.

The Battle Unicorn Unisex T-Shirt takes the mighty rhinoceros—already equipped with impressive natural armor, enormous strength, and a horn—and gives it the fantasy title it clearly deserved all along:

BATTLE UNICORN

One horn.

Heavy armor.

Massive build.

Zero glitter required.

It’s basically what happens when somebody looks at a unicorn and says:

“That’s nice… but can we make it a tank?”

Perfect for rhino lovers, wildlife enthusiasts, zoo fans, animal lovers, fantasy geeks, pun collectors, sarcastic unicorn fans, and anyone who prefers their mythical creatures considerably tougher.

Why You’ll Love It:

• Hilarious Battle Unicorn Design – Reimagines the mighty rhinoceros as the heavily armored unicorn of the fantasy world.
• Perfect for Rhino Lovers – A fun graphic tee for rhinoceros enthusiasts, wildlife fans, zoo lovers, animal lovers, and anyone fascinated by these incredible animals.
• Unicorn Humor Without the Glitter – Rainbows are optional when your unicorn comes naturally equipped for battle.
• Maximum Fantasy Adventure Energy – If a rhino appeared during the final boss fight, nobody would question whether it belonged there.
• Simple, Clever Animal Wordplay – One rhino. One horn. Two words. The joke practically writes itself.
• Instant Conversation Starter – People see the rhino, read “Battle Unicorn,” and immediately realize they’ve been severely underestimating unicorn possibilities.
• Funny Gift for Animal & Fantasy Fans – Great for rhino enthusiasts, wildlife lovers, zookeepers, zoo regulars, fantasy fans, unicorn lovers with a sense of humor, and collectors of wonderfully ridiculous animal jokes.

Choose Your Unicorn

STANDARD UNICORN

Sparkles.

Rainbows.

Flowing mane.

Magical forest.

Gentle prancing.

Possibly grants wishes.

BATTLE UNICORN

Armor.

Horn.

Massive shoulders.

Questionable temperament.

Several thousand pounds of:

YOU HAVE CHOSEN POORLY.

The Fantasy Adventure

Wizard:

We need a mount.

Warrior:

Horse?

Wizard:

Too ordinary.

Elf:

Unicorn?

Wizard:

Too delicate.

You:

I have an idea.

Everyone:

What?

You:

Points toward rhino.

Everyone:

…

Wizard:

That’s a rhinoceros.

You:

Battle unicorn.

Warrior:

I’m listening.

The Upgrade

Unicorn:

Graceful.

Elegant.

Magical.

Blacksmith:

Needs armor.

Unicorn:

Excuse me?

Blacksmith:

And more muscle.

Unicorn:

What?

Blacksmith:

And maybe about 4,000 additional pounds.

Unicorn:

WAIT—

Rhino:

Appears.

Blacksmith:

Perfect.

Battle Unicorn

Unlocked.

The Character Selection Screen

CHOOSE YOUR MOUNT

Horse:

Speed: 8

Strength: 6

Magic: 0

Unicorn:

Speed: 8

Strength: 5

Magic: 10

Sparkles: 14

Battle Unicorn:

Speed: Enough.

Strength: YES.

Armor: YES.

Horn: YES.

Magic: Unnecessary.

Intimidation:

MAXIMUM.

You:

That one.

Game:

Are you sure?

You:

Extremely.

The Final Boss

Boss:

You dare challenge me?

Hero:

Yes.

Boss:

With what army?

Hero:

No army.

Boss:

Then what?

Hero:

Battle unicorn.

Rhino:

Steps forward.

Boss:

…

Hero:

Problem?

Boss:

Can we renegotiate?

The Dungeon

Adventurer:

What’s behind the door?

Wizard:

Probably monsters.

Adventurer:

How many?

Wizard:

Unknown.

Adventurer:

Dangerous?

Wizard:

Extremely.

Adventurer:

Okay.

Send in the battle unicorn.

Wizard:

Shouldn’t we make a plan first?

Adventurer:

That is the plan.

The Dungeon Master

Player:

I summon my unicorn.

Dungeon Master:

Fine.

A beautiful white unicorn appears—

Player:

No.

My other unicorn.

Dungeon Master:

Your other—

Player:

Battle unicorn.

Dungeon Master:

You cannot keep calling a rhinoceros—

Player:

I roll intimidation.

Dungeon Master:

You don’t even need to.

The Party

Wizard:

I have magic.

Rogue:

I have stealth.

Ranger:

I have a bow.

Warrior:

I have a sword.

You:

I have a rhino.

Everyone:

…

You:

Who’s feeling underprepared now?

The Quest

King:

Brave adventurers!

You must travel across the kingdom and defeat the beast!

Hero:

What’s our transportation?

King:

Horses.

You:

No.

King:

No?

You:

Bring me the battle unicorn.

King:

The what?

You:

You’ll know it when you see it.

The Stable

Stable Master:

Horse?

You:

No.

Stable Master:

Pony?

You:

No.

Stable Master:

Mule?

You:

No.

Stable Master:

Unicorn?

You:

Getting warmer.

Stable Master:

Battle unicorn?

You:

Finally, a professional.

The Enchanted Forest

Elf:

Welcome to the enchanted forest.

You:

Beautiful.

Elf:

Please remain on the path.

You:

Of course.

Elf:

And absolutely do not disturb the magical creatures.

Rhino:

CRASH.

Elf:

What was that?

You:

My unicorn.

Elf:

THAT IS NOT A UNICORN.

You:

Battle variant.

The Fairy

Fairy:

Your unicorn doesn’t sparkle.

You:

Doesn’t need to.

Fairy:

Where’s its magical mane?

You:

Doesn’t need one.

Fairy:

Can it grant wishes?

You:

Probably not.

Fairy:

Then what can it do?

Rhino:

Stomps.

You:

That.

Fairy:

Understandable.

The Rainbow

Unicorn:

Stands beneath rainbow.

Battle Unicorn:

Stands beside unicorn.

Unicorn:

Where’s your rainbow?

Battle Unicorn:

Don’t need one.

Unicorn:

Your glitter?

Battle Unicorn:

Nope.

Unicorn:

Your magic?

Battle Unicorn:

Looks at horn.

Looks at armor.

Looks back at unicorn.

Unicorn:

Fair point.

The Glitter Problem

Friend:

Could we add glitter?

You:

To the rhino?

Friend:

Yes.

You:

Why?

Friend:

Make it more unicorn-like.

You:

It’s already perfect.

Friend:

Just a little sparkle?

Battle Unicorn:

Stares.

Friend:

Never mind.

The Zoo

Kid:

Look!

A rhino!

You:

Battle unicorn.

Parent:

It’s a rhinoceros.

You:

Technically.

Kid:

BATTLE UNICORN!

Parent:

Great.

Now you’ve started something.

You:

You’re welcome.

Ten Minutes Later

Kid:

BATTLE UNICORN!

Another Kid:

BATTLE UNICORN!

Third Kid:

BATTLE UNICORN!

Parent:

Look what you’ve done.

You:

Improved the zoo.

The Zoo Employee

Visitor:

Where are the unicorns?

Employee:

We don’t have unicorns.

You:

Points toward rhino habitat.

Employee:

Don’t.

Visitor:

What?

You:

Battle unicorns.

Employee:

We’ve been over this.

Visitor:

That actually makes sense.

Employee:

Please stop encouraging them.

The Wildlife Enthusiast

Friend:

Rhinoceroses are incredible animals.

You:

Agreed.

Friend:

Powerful.

You:

Yep.

Friend:

Distinctive horn.

You:

Yep.

Friend:

Impressive build.

You:

Yep.

Friend:

And you’re calling them battle unicorns.

You:

I’m simplifying the terminology.

Friend:

You’re doing the opposite.

The Animal Lover

Stranger:

Nice rhino shirt.

You:

Thanks.

Stranger:

Battle unicorn.

You:

Exactly.

Stranger:

I’ve never thought of them that way.

You:

You will now.

Stranger:

You’ve ruined rhinoceroses for me.

You:

Improved.

I’ve improved rhinoceroses for you.

The Unicorn Fan

Unicorn Fan:

I love unicorns.

You:

Me too.

Unicorn Fan:

Sparkly unicorns?

You:

Sometimes.

Unicorn Fan:

Rainbow unicorns?

You:

Sure.

Unicorn Fan:

Magical unicorns?

You:

Absolutely.

Unicorn Fan:

Battle unicorns?

You:

Now we’re talking.

The Fantasy Fan

Fantasy Fan:

What class is it?

You:

Battle unicorn.

Fantasy Fan:

That’s not a class.

You:

Tank.

Fantasy Fan:

Ah.

You:

Heavy armor.

High strength.

Horn attack.

Fantasy Fan:

Magic resistance?

You:

Probably powered by attitude.

Fantasy Fan:

Acceptable.

The Tank

Wizard:

We need somebody to tank the boss.

Warrior:

Not me.

Paladin:

Why not the rhino?

You:

Battle unicorn.

Paladin:

Sorry.

Why not the battle unicorn?

You:

Thank you.

Rhino:

Ready.

Boss:

Concerned.

The Stats

BATTLE UNICORN

Strength: 10/10

Armor: 10/10

Horn: 10/10

Sparkles: 0/10

Rainbows: 0/10

Gracefulness:

Let’s not worry about that.

Intimidation:

YES.

The Special Ability

Friend:

What’s its special attack?

You:

Charge.

Friend:

Anything magical?

You:

Charge harder.

Friend:

That’s not magic.

You:

Does it need to be?

Friend:

Looking at rhino…

No.

No, it does not.

The Boss Battle

Boss:

Prepare yourself!

You:

Battle unicorn!

Rhino:

Charges.

Boss:

Wait.

You:

Too late.

Boss:

Can we discuss—

Rhino:

Still charging.

Boss:

I HAVE MADE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE.

Battle

Brief.

The Armor

Friend:

Do rhinos even need armor?

You:

They basically arrive wearing it.

Friend:

So the battle unicorn comes pre-equipped?

You:

Exactly.

Friend:

That’s efficient.

You:

Nature hates microtransactions.

The Horn

Friend:

Unicorns have one horn.

You:

Correct.

Friend:

Rhinos have horns.

You:

Correct.

Friend:

So technically—

You:

Careful.

Friend:

Battle unicorn.

You:

Welcome.

The Revelation

Friend:

I’ve been thinking.

You:

Dangerous.

Friend:

A rhino really is basically an armored unicorn.

You:

Exactly.

Friend:

Why have I never noticed this?

You:

Society distracted you with glitter.

Friend:

I need some time.

You:

Take all you need.

The Office

Coworker:

Nice shirt.

You:

Thanks.

Coworker:

Battle unicorn?

You:

Yep.

Coworker:

That’s a rhino.

You:

Corporate unicorn.

Coworker:

What?

You:

More aggressive.

Less magical.

Coworker:

Sounds like management.

You:

I didn’t say it.

The Meeting

Manager:

We need innovative thinking.

You:

Battle unicorn.

Manager:

What?

You:

Thinking outside the box.

Manager:

That’s a rhinoceros.

You:

That’s exactly the kind of conventional thinking holding us back.

Manager:

Moving on.

Innovation

Rejected.

The Team-Building Exercise

Instructor:

Choose an animal that represents your personality.

Person One:

Dolphin.

Person Two:

Eagle.

Person Three:

Wolf.

You:

Battle unicorn.

Instructor:

You mean rhinoceros?

You:

No.

Instructor:

Okay.

Why?

You:

One horn.

Heavy armor.

Low tolerance for nonsense.

Instructor:

Actually…

that tracks.

The Gym

Friend:

What’s your spirit animal?

You:

Battle unicorn.

Friend:

Because you’re strong?

You:

Sure.

Friend:

Powerful?

You:

Absolutely.

Friend:

Fearless?

You:

Obviously.

Friend:

Because you hate cardio?

You:

Conversation over.

The Morning

Alarm:

BEEP.

You:

No.

Alarm:

BEEP.

You:

No.

Alarm:

BEEP.

You:

Gets up.

Mirror:

Battle Unicorn shirt.

You:

Fine.

Let’s do this.

Morning Motivation

Several thousand pounds of imaginary combat-rhino energy.

The Coffee Shop

Barista:

I like your shirt.

You:

Thanks.

Barista:

Battle unicorn.

You:

Yep.

Barista:

That’s a rhino.

You:

Correct.

Barista:

Honestly…

I see it.

You:

Another convert.

Barista:

Do you want room for cream?

You:

Battle unicorn drinks it black.

Barista:

Do you?

You:

No.

Extra cream, please.

The Grocery Store

Child:

Mom!

Look!

Unicorn!

Parent:

That’s a rhinoceros.

Child:

His shirt says unicorn.

Parent:

Battle unicorn.

Child:

Can I have one?

Parent:

A shirt?

Child:

A battle unicorn.

Parent:

Absolutely not.

You:

Probably the correct answer.

The Museum

Friend:

Look at that medieval armor.

You:

Nice.

Friend:

Imagine wearing all that into battle.

You:

Or…

Friend:

No.

You:

Battle unicorn.

Friend:

You cannot solve every historical military problem with a rhino.

You:

We don’t know that.

The Castle

Guard:

State your business.

You:

Here to see the king.

Guard:

And the animal?

You:

Battle unicorn.

Guard:

That’s a rhinoceros.

You:

Would you like to tell him that?

Guard:

…

Proceed.

Security Clearance

Granted.

The Knight

Knight:

Fine steed.

You:

Thank you.

Knight:

Unusual breed.

You:

Battle unicorn.

Knight:

Fast?

You:

Fast enough.

Knight:

Strong?

You:

Very.

Knight:

Friendly?

You:

Let’s focus on the first two.

The Dragon

Dragon:

ROARS.

Hero:

Sword ready!

Wizard:

Spell ready!

Archer:

Bow ready!

You:

Battle unicorn ready.

Everyone:

…

Dragon:

…

You:

Your move.

Dragon:

Can I see the other options?

The Fantasy Tavern

Bartender:

What’ll it be?

Warrior:

Ale.

Wizard:

Mead.

Elf:

Wine.

You:

Water.

Bartender:

For you?

You:

For the battle unicorn.

Bartender:

There’s a rhinoceros outside?

You:

Please don’t use outdated terminology.

Bartender:

I already regret asking.

The Stable Fee

Stable Master:

Horse is five coins.

You:

Okay.

Stable Master:

Unicorn is ten.

You:

Okay.

Stable Master:

Battle unicorn…

You:

Yes?

Stable Master:

We’re going to need a deposit.

You:

Understandable.

The Pet Question

Friend:

Would you want a pet unicorn?

You:

Sure.

Friend:

A battle unicorn?

You:

Absolutely not.

Friend:

Why?

You:

Have you seen one?

Friend:

You’re wearing one.

You:

Exactly.

Admire responsibly.

The Neighborhood

Neighbor:

New pet?

You:

Yep.

Neighbor:

That’s a rhino.

You:

Battle unicorn.

Neighbor:

You cannot keep that here.

You:

Tell him.

Neighbor:

…

You:

That’s what I thought.

The Fantasy Pet Store

Employee:

Looking for something magical?

You:

Maybe.

Employee:

Fairy?

You:

No.

Employee:

Dragon?

You:

Too much maintenance.

Employee:

Unicorn?

You:

Too sparkly.

Employee:

Battle unicorn?

You:

You understand me.

The Parade

Announcer:

And next we have the magical unicorn float!

Crowd:

CHEERS.

Announcer:

Followed by…

Rhino:

Appears.

Announcer:

…

the battle unicorn.

Crowd:

LOUDER CHEERS.

Unicorn:

This feels unfair.

The Rainbow Problem

Friend:

Battle unicorn needs a rainbow.

You:

No.

Friend:

Every unicorn needs a rainbow.

You:

Battle unicorn has dust clouds.

Friend:

That’s less magical.

You:

It’s considerably more intimidating.

The Sparkle Problem

Friend:

Just one sparkle.

You:

No.

Friend:

Tiny bit of glitter?

You:

No.

Friend:

Shimmer?

You:

No.

Friend:

Sequins?

Battle Unicorn:

Stares.

Friend:

I’ve withdrawn the suggestion.

The Toughness Test

Regular Unicorn:

Can create magical light.

Battle Unicorn:

Can move very large things by standing where they shouldn’t.

Regular Unicorn:

Can gallop across rainbows.

Battle Unicorn:

Can make everyone else reconsider their route.

Regular Unicorn:

Has enchanted horn.

Battle Unicorn:

Has horn.

Regular Unicorn:

…

Battle Unicorn:

Exactly.

The Magic Question

Wizard:

Does it have magical powers?

You:

Define magic.

Wizard:

Spells.

You:

No.

Wizard:

Enchantments?

You:

No.

Wizard:

Teleportation?

You:

No.

Wizard:

Then what’s magical about it?

You:

You try standing in front of one and tell me you’re not impressed.

Wizard:

Fair.

The Battle Unicorn Philosophy

Sometimes you need magic.

Sometimes you need strategy.

Sometimes you need courage.

And sometimes…

you need a very large animal with a horn.

The Pun Lover

Friend:

Battle unicorn.

You:

Yep.

Friend:

Because it’s a rhino.

You:

Yep.

Friend:

One horn.

You:

Basically.

Friend:

Armored.

You:

Naturally.

Friend:

That’s stupid.

You:

Thank you.

Friend:

I meant—

You:

With puns, that’s a compliment.

The Dad Joke

Dad:

Battle unicorn?

You:

Yep.

Dad:

Looks pretty…

rhino-mite.

You:

No.

Dad:

Rhino what I mean?

You:

Stop.

Dad:

I’m just trying to—

You:

Pun privileges revoked.

Dad:

You started it.

You:

Fair.

The Gift

Recipient:

A shirt!

You:

Look at it.

Recipient:

Rhino.

You:

Read it.

Recipient:

Battle Unicorn.

You:

Yep.

Recipient:

…

That’s fantastic.

You:

Right?

Recipient:

I will never look at rhinos normally again.

You:

Mission accomplished.

Birthday?

BATTLE UNICORN.

Christmas?

BATTLE UNICORN.

Zoo Trip?

BATTLE UNICORN.

Fantasy Convention?

BATTLE UNICORN.

Game Night?

BATTLE UNICORN.

Wildlife Lover Gift?

BATTLE UNICORN.

Unicorn Fan With a Sense of Humor?

BATTLE UNICORN.

Final Boss Fight?

You already know.

BATTLE UNICORN.

The Battle Unicorn Unisex T-Shirt

A fun gift for:

Rhino lovers.

Rhinoceros enthusiasts.

Wildlife fans.

Animal lovers.

Zoo lovers.

Zookeepers.

Conservation-minded wildlife fans.

Fantasy geeks.

Fantasy gamers.

Tabletop gamers.

Role-playing fans.

Unicorn lovers.

Sarcastic unicorn lovers.

Pun enthusiasts.

Wordplay fans.

Dad-joke professionals.

Quirky animal lovers.

People who prefer their fantasy creatures with fewer sparkles.

People who think rhinos look like they were designed by a fantasy-game developer.

People who see natural armor and immediately assign character stats.

People who know the tank is an essential part of every adventuring party.

People who think unicorns are cool…

but could use a significant armor upgrade.

People who will now forever look at a rhinoceros and think:

BATTLE UNICORN.

And anyone who understands that sometimes…

magic isn’t enough.

Sometimes…

rainbows aren’t enough.

Sometimes…

glitter definitely isn’t enough.

SOMETIMES YOU NEED A RHINO.

Battle Unicorn Status Report

CREATURE: RHINOCEROS.

FANTASY CLASSIFICATION: BATTLE UNICORN.

HORN: PRESENT.

ARMOR: BUILT IN.

SIZE: LARGE.

STRENGTH: HIGH.

INTIMIDATION: EXTREME.

SPARKLES: ZERO.

GLITTER: UNNECESSARY.

RAINBOWS: OPTIONAL.

MAGIC: QUESTIONABLE.

ATTITUDE: FORMIDABLE.

BATTLE READINESS: HIGH.

CHARACTER CLASS: TANK.

FINAL BOSS: CONCERNED.

WIZARD: IMPRESSED.

KNIGHT: JEALOUS.

UNICORN: SLIGHTLY OFFENDED.

DUNGEON MASTER: RECONSIDERING CAMPAIGN.

ZOO VISIT: PERMANENTLY CHANGED.

FANTASY LOGIC: ACCEPTED.

WORDPLAY: RIDICULOUS.

RHINO: STILL AWESOME.

MAGIC: OPTIONAL.

TOUGHNESS: INCLUDED.

BATTLE UNICORN: READY.

BECAUSE SOMETIMES MAGIC ISN’T ENOUGH.

SOMETIMES YOU NEED A RHINO.

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This heavy cotton tee has the classic cotton look and feel. Casual elegance will make it an instant favorite in everyone’s wardrobe.

.: Classic fit

.: 100% Cotton (fibre content may vary for different colors)

.: Light fabric (5.3 oz/yd² (180 g/m²))

.: Tear away label

.: Runs true to size

 

	S	M	L	XL	2XL	3XL	4XL	5XL
Width, in	18.00	20.00	22.00	24.00	26.00	28.00	30.00	32.00
Length, in	28.00	29.00	30.00	31.00	32.00	33.00	34.00	35.00
Sleeve length (from center back), in	15.10	16.50	18.00	19.50	21.00	22.40	23.70	25.00
Size tolerance, in	1.50	1.50	1.50	1.50	1.50	1.50	1.50	1.50

 

Weight	N/A