Help! I’m Surrounded By Snowflakes – Unisex Sweatshirt – Funny Sarcastic Christmas

TEMPERATURE: FREEZING.

SWEATSHIRT: ON.

CHRISTMAS TREE: TRAPPED.

SNOW GLOBE: SEALED.

SNOWFLAKES: EVERYWHERE.

PERSONAL SPACE: NONEXISTENT.

HOLIDAY EXPECTATIONS: RISING.

PATIENCE: FALLING.

HELP! I’M SURROUNDED BY SNOWFLAKES.

Some Christmas trees are merry.

Some Christmas trees are bright.

Some Christmas trees sparkle joyfully beneath thousands of twinkling lights while silently embracing the magic of the season.

And then there’s this tree.

This tree has had enough.

The Help! I’m Surrounded By Snowflakes Unisex Sweatshirt features a hilariously grumpy Christmas tree trapped inside a snow globe while an unreasonable number of snowflakes swirl around it.

Above the scene?

The desperate seasonal cry:

HELP! I’M SURROUNDED BY SNOWFLAKES

It’s festive.

It’s cozy.

It’s sarcastic.

It’s basically December in sweatshirt form.

With a soft fleece interior and relaxed unisex fit, this cozy holiday pullover is ready for chilly winter mornings, Christmas shopping, holiday parties, family gatherings, movie marathons, snow days, cookie baking, gift wrapping, office celebrations, or sitting comfortably on the couch while somebody else volunteers to shovel the driveway.

Because you can love Christmas…

and still occasionally want Christmas to stand about six feet farther away.

Why You’ll Love It:

• Hilariously Relatable Holiday Design – A grumpy Christmas tree trapped inside a snow globe perfectly captures that “I love Christmas, but everybody needs to calm down” feeling.
• Funny Snowflake Wordplay – The phrase gets a wonderfully literal punchline when the tree really is surrounded by snowflakes.
• Soft Fleece Interior – Cozy warmth for cold mornings, winter errands, Christmas gatherings, and strategic couch hibernation.
• Relaxed Unisex Fit – Comfortable for holiday lounging, shopping, parties, movie nights, or avoiding unnecessary small talk.
• Festive Without Trying Too Hard – Perfect when you want Christmas apparel without looking like an entire holiday aisle exploded on you.
• Great Ugly Sweater Alternative – All the seasonal humor without requiring blinking lights, bells, pom-poms, tinsel, or battery packs.
• Perfect Holiday Gag Gift – Great for sarcastic friends, coworkers, siblings, spouses, holiday realists, introverts, and anyone whose December social battery is blinking red.

Inside the Snow Globe

Snowflake:

Hi!

Tree:

Hello.

Another Snowflake:

HI!

Tree:

Yep.

Another Snowflake:

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Tree:

Thank you.

Another Snowflake:

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Tree:

Also thank you.

Twenty More Snowflakes:

WHEEEEEEEE!

Tree:

Okay.

Everybody needs to back up.

Personal Space Status

GONE.

The First Shake

Human:

Look at the cute snow globe!

Tree:

Don’t.

Human:

I’m gonna shake it!

Tree:

Please don’t.

Human shakes globe.

Snowflakes:

WHEEEEEEEEE!

Tree:

I LIVE HERE.

Residential Status

TENANT COMPLAINT: FILED.

The Second Shake

Tree:

Why?

Human:

It’s pretty!

Tree:

FROM OUT THERE.

Perspective Status

IMPORTANT.

The Third Shake

Tree:

I am begging you.

Human:

One more!

Tree:

I HAVE ROOTS.

Snow Globe Status

MOTION SICKNESS: POSSIBLE.

Snowflake:

You look grumpy.

Tree:

I’ve been shaken three times.

Snowflake:

It’s festive!

Tree:

You keep using that word like it fixes things.

Holiday Status

FESTIVE: TECHNICALLY.

Another Snowflake

Snowflake:

Smile!

Tree:

I’m a tree.

Snowflake:

You know what I mean.

Tree:

Do I?

Emotional Status

UNIMPRESSED.

The Optimistic Snowflake

Snowflake:

Every day is magical!

Tree:

How long are you here?

Snowflake:

Until I settle.

Tree:

Exactly.

I live here.

Perspective Status

TREE HAS A POINT.

Christmas Morning

Snowflake:

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Tree:

What time is it?

Snowflake:

5:12!

Tree:

No.

Morning Status

CHRISTMAS: TEMPORARILY POSTPONED.

Winter Morning

Alarm:

BEEP.

You:

No.

Alarm:

BEEP.

You:

Still no.

Weather App:

18 degrees.

You:

Absolutely not.

Wardrobe Status

SWEATSHIRT: IMMEDIATELY REQUIRED.

Getting Dressed

You:

Sweatshirt.

Jeans.

Warm socks.

Coffee.

Done.

Winter Fashion Status

EFFICIENCY: MAXIMUM.

The Soft Fleece Interior

Friend:

You changing clothes before we leave?

You:

No.

Friend:

You’ve been wearing that sweatshirt all day.

You:

Exactly.

Friend:

So?

You:

Why would I abandon a successful system?

Comfort Status

LOGIC: FLAWLESS.

The Couch

Couch:

Come here.

You:

I have things to do.

Couch:

Soft blanket.

You:

Stop.

Couch:

Christmas movie.

You:

I said stop.

Couch:

Hot cocoa.

You:

You make a compelling argument.

Productivity Status

ABANDONED.

Five Minutes Later

You:

This is nice.

Blanket:

Yep.

Sweatshirt:

Yep.

Couch:

Told you.

Winter Status

HIBERNATION: ACTIVE.

Somebody Opens the Front Door

You:

CLOSE IT.

Person:

I’m leaving!

You:

THEN LEAVE FASTER.

Heating Status

PRECIOUS.

Thermostat Battle

Person One:

It’s cold.

Person Two:

It’s hot.

Person Three:

I’m comfortable.

Host:

Nobody touch the thermostat.

Household Status

CEASEFIRE: FRAGILE.

Someone Touches the Thermostat

Host:

Who did it?

Everyone:

…

Host:

WHO TOUCHED IT?

Holiday Mystery

CULPRIT: SILENT.

Decorating Day

Friend:

Christmas music?

You:

Sure.

Friend:

Cookies?

You:

Absolutely.

Friend:

Matching pajamas?

You:

Careful.

Friend:

Santa hats?

You:

You’re losing me.

Friend:

Matching Santa hats?

You:

And I’m gone.

Festive Status

LIMIT DISCOVERED.

Christmas Lights

Person:

I put these away neatly.

Other Person:

Then why are they tangled?

Person:

I don’t know.

Other Person:

This knot has layers.

Person:

I think they reproduced.

Decoration Status

LIGHTS: HOSTILE.

Thirty Minutes Later

Person:

Got it!

Other Person:

Plug them in.

Person plugs in lights.

Half illuminate.

Person:

…

Other Person:

You okay?

Person:

Nobody speak to me.

Holiday Status

CHEER: TEMPORARILY OFFLINE.

The Tree Stand

Person:

It’s leaning.

Other Person:

It’s fine.

Person:

It’s definitely leaning.

Other Person:

It has character.

Structural Status

CHARACTER: EXCESSIVE.

Ornament Placement

Child:

Done!

Parent:

Beautiful!

Parent looks.

All ornaments are concentrated on three branches.

Parent:

Very…

artistic.

Decorating Status

VISIONARY.

Cat Sees Christmas Tree

Cat:

What’s this?

Human:

No.

Cat:

Indoor climbing structure?

Human:

No.

Cat:

Dangling toys?

Human:

NO.

Cat:

I’ll investigate.

Tree Security

COMPROMISED.

2:37 A.M.

CRASH.

Human:

…

Cat:

…

Human:

We talked about this.

Cat:

I remember no such conversation.

Investigation Status

SUSPECT: DEFIANT.

Dog Sees Christmas Tree

Dog:

Tree?

Human:

Yes.

Dog:

Inside?

Yes.

Dog:

Interesting.

Human:

Don’t.

Dog:

I didn’t say anything.

Human:

Your face did.

Security Status

SECOND SUSPECT IDENTIFIED.

Holiday Shopping

Friend:

Finished?

You:

No.

Friend:

How much do you have left?

You:

Enough that I don’t appreciate the question.

Shopping Status

TOPIC: CLOSED.

The Parking Lot

You:

There’s one!

Other Car:

Mine.

You:

Don’t you dare.

Other Car:

Blinker.

You:

I HAD EMOTIONAL OWNERSHIP FIRST.

Holiday Spirit

UNDER PRESSURE.

Inside the Store

Employee:

Can I help you?

You:

Yes.

Employee:

What are you looking for?

You:

I don’t know.

Employee:

Who’s it for?

You:

Someone who says they don’t want anything.

Employee:

Ah.

The hardest category.

Shopping Status

QUEST ACTIVATED.

The Person Who Wants Nothing

You:

What do you want for Christmas?

Them:

Nothing.

You:

Seriously.

Them:

I don’t need anything.

You:

Give me one idea.

Them:

Don’t spend money on me.

Gift Status

USELESS INFORMATION RECEIVED.

Online Shopping

Website:

Order now for holiday delivery!

You:

Great.

Website:

Estimated arrival: December 27.

You:

We have different definitions of holiday delivery.

Logistics Status

QUESTIONABLE.

Package Tracking

Tracking:

Shipped.

You:

Great.

Tracking:

In transit.

You:

Excellent.

Tracking:

Delayed.

You:

No.

Tracking:

Weather delay.

You:

NO.

Tracking:

Check back tomorrow.

You:

I trusted you.

Delivery Status

RELATIONSHIP DAMAGED.

Gift Wrapping

You:

Scissors?

Family:

No idea.

You:

Tape?

No idea.

You:

Gift tags?

No idea.

You:

Why do I live with you people?

Wrapping Status

SUPPLIES: MISSING.

The Tape

You:

Where’s the end?

Tape:

…

You:

I KNOW YOU HAVE ONE.

Investigation Status

TAPE: UNCOOPERATIVE.

Wrapping Paper

You:

Plenty.

You cut.

Paper:

Not enough.

You:

How?

Mathematics Status

CHRISTMAS GEOMETRY: FAILED.

The Patch

Friend:

Is that another piece of wrapping paper taped over the gap?

You:

It’s decorative.

Friend:

It’s a different pattern.

You:

Festive contrast.

Design Status

INTENTIONAL-ISH.

Midnight Wrapping

You:

Done.

Finally.

You stand.

Spot one gift.

You:

No.

Gift:

Yes.

Boss Battle Status

UNEXPECTED FINAL ROUND.

Christmas Cookies

Recipe:

Bake 10 minutes.

You:

Easy.

Phone distracts you.

Fourteen minutes later.

You:

What’s that smell?

Cookie Status

CRISPY.

Cookie Decorating

Friend:

That’s a snowman?

You:

Yes.

Friend:

Looks like a potato.

You:

A festive potato.

Artistic Status

SUBJECTIVE.

Gingerbread House

Box:

Easy assembly.

You:

Okay.

Wall falls.

You:

Okay.

Roof falls.

You:

Less okay.

Entire house collapses.

You:

We live in a society built on lies.

Construction Status

CONDEMNED.

Structural Icing

Friend:

More icing.

You:

That cannot be the answer to everything.

Friend:

You’d be surprised.

Engineering Status

ICING: LOAD-BEARING.

Holiday Party

Friend:

You came!

You:

Yep.

Friend:

Nice sweatshirt.

You:

Thanks.

Friend reads it.

Friend:

Help! I’m Surrounded By Snowflakes.

You:

Current situation.

Friend looks around crowded room.

Friend:

Fair.

Social Status

SHIRT: ACCURATE.

Twenty Minutes Later

Friend:

Having fun?

You:

Yes.

Friend:

You don’t look like it.

You:

This is my festive face.

Expression Status

MERRY-ISH.

Small Talk

Stranger:

So what do you do?

You:

Work.

Stranger:

Where?

You:

At my job.

Stranger:

What do you do there?

You:

Mostly wait for conversations like this to end.

Social Status

HONESTY: TOO HIGH.

Introvert at the Holiday Party

Friend:

Why are you standing by the snacks?

Introvert:

They don’t ask questions.

Party Strategy

BRILLIANT.

Office Holiday Party

Boss:

Everybody enjoying themselves?

Employees:

Yes!

Boss:

That sounded forced.

Employees louder:

YES!

Morale Status

MANDATORY JOY: ACHIEVED.

Office Gift Exchange

Coworker:

Who got me this?

Everyone:

…

Coworker:

A mug warmer?

Silence.

Coworker:

Actually, this is great.

Gift Status

MYSTERY BENEFACTOR: SUCCESSFUL.

Holiday Potluck

Coworker:

Who brought this?

Everyone:

…

Coworker:

Seriously?

No one?

Culinary Status

AUTHOR: PROTECTED.

Family Gathering

Relative:

So…

You:

No.

Relative:

I haven’t said anything.

You:

I know the tone.

Defensive Status

PREPARED.

Relative:

Are you seeing anyone?

You:

Mashed potatoes?

Relative:

I asked—

You:

They’re excellent.

Conversation Status

DEFLECTED.

Another Relative

Relative:

When are you going to—

You:

Pie.

Relative:

What?

You:

Would you like pie?

Relative:

I was—

You:

PIE.

Defense System

DESSERT: DEPLOYED.

Dinner Table

Family Member:

Let’s promise not to argue this year.

Everyone:

Agreed.

Three minutes later.

Family Member:

Well, actually—

Everyone:

NO.

Peace Status

MAINTAINED THROUGH FORCE.

The Kitchen

Guest:

Need help?

Cook:

No thanks.

Guest:

I can chop something.

Cook:

We’re good.

Guest:

Maybe I could—

Cook:

Please leave my kitchen.

Kitchen Status

BOUNDARY ESTABLISHED.

Holiday Dinner

Person:

Is dinner ready?

Cook:

Almost.

Five minutes later.

Person:

Now?

Cook:

Almost.

Three minutes later.

Person:

Now?

Cook:

ASK AGAIN AND WE’RE EATING TOMORROW.

Dinner Status

QUESTION FREQUENCY: EXCESSIVE.

Christmas Movie Night

Person One:

Comedy.

Person Two:

Classic.

Person Three:

Action.

Person Four:

Animated.

Person Five:

Something new.

Twenty Minutes Later

Nobody has selected anything.

You:

We’ve spent longer choosing than watching.

Entertainment Status

DEADLOCK.

The Same Christmas Movie

Family:

We’ve seen this a hundred times.

You:

Exactly.

Family:

Why watch it again?

You:

Tradition.

Movie Status

PREDICTABILITY: COMFORTING.

Matching Pajamas

Family Member:

Put these on.

You:

Why?

Family Member:

Family photo.

You:

Do I have a choice?

Family Member:

No.

Fashion Status

DEMOCRACY: SUSPENDED.

Family Photo

Photographer:

Everybody smile.

Child:

He’s touching me.

Other Child:

No I’m not.

Dog walks away.

Baby cries.

Someone blinks.

Grandpa looks in wrong direction.

Photographer:

Again.

Everyone:

NO.

Photo Status

GOOD ENOUGH.

Christmas Morning

Child:

WAKE UP!

Adult:

What time is it?

Child:

5:16!

Adult:

No.

Child:

BUT CHRISTMAS!

Adult:

Christmas doesn’t open until seven.

Holiday Hours

DISPUTED.

5:21 A.M.

Child:

Now?

Adult:

Five minutes.

Child:

That’s practically morning.

Sleep Status

TERMINATED.

Presents

Child:

Can I open one?

Parent:

Wait.

Child:

Now?

Wait.

Child:

Now?

Wait.

Child:

NOW?

Parent:

YES.

Patience Status

DEPLETED.

The Toy

Child:

It needs batteries.

Parent:

No problem.

Child:

Three tiny weird ones.

Parent:

Problem.

Battery Status

EVERY TYPE EXCEPT THAT TYPE: AVAILABLE.

Toy Assembly

Box:

Some assembly required.

Parent:

Fine.

One hour later.

Parent:

This is not some.

Assembly Status

PERSONAL BETRAYAL.

Instruction Manual

Step 1:

Connect A17 to bracket C4 using screw J.

Parent:

Where’s J?

Child:

Is this J?

Parent:

That’s an axle.

Child:

What’s an axle?

Parent:

I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE.

Engineering Status

PARENTAL CONFIDENCE: COLLAPSING.

Winter Weather

Forecast:

Snow.

You:

Beautiful.

Forecast:

Eight inches.

You:

Still beautiful.

Forecast:

Followed by freezing rain.

You:

Less beautiful.

Winter Status

RELATIONSHIP: COMPLICATED.

Snow Day

You:

Look at all that snow.

Friend:

Gorgeous.

You:

Absolutely.

Friend:

Who’s shoveling?

Silence.

Beauty Status

CONDITIONAL.

Shoveling

You:

Almost done.

Snow:

Here’s more.

You:

No.

Snow:

Yes.

Driveway Status

RESPAWNING.

Finally Finished

You:

Done.

Snowplow approaches.

You:

Don’t.

Snowplow:

VRRRRRRR.

You:

DON’T YOU—

Wall of snow appears.

Civilization Status

BETRAYAL.

Snowflake

Snowflake:

We’re beautiful!

You:

You are.

Snowflake:

Aww.

You:

Until there are several billion of you blocking my driveway.

Snowflake:

Oh.

Relationship Status

COMPLICATED.

Building a Snowman

Child:

Bigger!

Adult:

It’s already huge.

Child:

BIGGER!

Adult:

I can’t feel my hands.

Child:

He needs a head!

Adult:

Apparently I do too, because I agreed to this.

Construction Status

FROZEN.

Snowball Fight

Friend:

Truce?

You:

Truce.

Friend throws snowball immediately.

You:

YOU MONSTER.

Treaty Status

VIOLATED.

Winter Wind

You:

It’s 30 degrees.

Weather App:

Feels like 17.

You:

Why?

Weather App:

Wind.

You:

Can we turn that off?

Climate Controls

UNAVAILABLE.

Back Inside

You:

Sweatshirt.

Blanket.

Hot drink.

Couch.

Nobody speak.

Recovery Status

INITIATED.

The Grumpy Tree

Snowflake:

How are you feeling?

Tree:

Crowded.

Snowflake:

But we’re beautiful.

Tree:

Individually.

Snowflake:

And collectively?

Tree:

Collectively, you’re a weather event.

Scientific Status

ACCURATE.

Snowflake:

You should embrace the season.

Tree:

I am physically trapped inside the season.

Snowflake:

Fair.

Debate Status

TREE WINS.

Holiday Therapist

Therapist:

Tell me what’s bothering you.

Tree:

Snowflakes.

Therapist:

How many?

Tree:

All of them.

Therapist:

Could you be more specific?

Tree:

Look around.

Diagnosis

OVERSTIMULATED EVERGREEN.

Therapist:

Have you tried taking some space?

Tree taps glass wall.

Therapist:

Right.

Treatment Status

OPTIONS: LIMITED.

The Holiday Realist

Friend:

You hate Christmas.

You:

No.

Friend:

Your sweatshirt—

You:

I love Christmas.

Friend:

Then why—

You:

Loving Christmas and wanting five minutes of silence are not mutually exclusive.

Friend:

Fair.

Holiday Philosophy

ESTABLISHED.

The Christmas Enthusiast

Friend:

LIGHTS!

You:

Nice.

Friend:

COOKIES!

You:

Love them.

Friend:

PARTIES!

You:

Sometimes.

Friend:

SNOW!

You:

Pretty.

Friend:

MATCHING PAJAMAS!

You:

Careful.

Friend:

CAROLING!

You:

We’ve reached the boundary.

Social Status

LIMIT FOUND.

The Introvert

Friend:

Christmas party tonight.

Introvert:

How many people?

Friend:

Fifty.

Introvert looks at sweatshirt.

Friend:

Right.

I’ll tell them you’re sick.

Friendship Status

EXCELLENT.

The Extrovert

Extrovert:

COME TO THE PARTY!

Introvert:

No.

Extrovert:

There’s food.

Introvert:

What kind?

Negotiation Status

OPEN.

Gift for Coworker

Coworker:

A sweatshirt?

You:

Read it.

Coworker:

Help! I’m Surrounded By Snowflakes.

You:

Thought of you.

Coworker:

Because I’m sarcastic?

You:

Because you’re festive.

Coworker:

Good save.

Workplace Status

FRIENDSHIP PRESERVED.

Gift for Dad

Dad:

Grumpy tree?

Kid:

Yep.

Dad:

Surrounded by snowflakes?

Yep.

Dad:

Accurate.

Dad Status

REPRESENTED.

Gift for Mom

Mom:

Are you saying I’m grumpy?

Family:

No.

Mom:

Are you sure?

Family:

Festively realistic.

Mom:

Better.

Gift Status

DIPLOMACY SUCCESSFUL.

Gift for Husband

Husband:

I love this.

Partner:

I knew you would.

Husband:

Because of the tree?

Partner:

Because of the expression.

Husband:

That’s my holiday-shopping face.

Gift Status

ACCURATE.

Gift for Wife

Wife:

Soft fleece?

Partner:

Yep.

Wife:

Relaxed fit?

Yep.

Wife:

Sarcastic Christmas tree?

Yep.

Wife:

Excellent work.

Relationship Status

GIFT MISSION COMPLETE.

Secret Gift Exchange

Recipient:

Who got me this?

Everyone:

…

Recipient puts sweatshirt on.

Recipient:

I don’t even care.

I’m keeping it.

Gift Status

SUCCESS.

Ugly Sweater Party

Friend:

That’s not an ugly Christmas sweater.

You:

Correct.

Friend:

Then why are you wearing it?

You:

Because I enjoy comfort.

Friend:

Fair.

Party Status

UPGRADED.

Help! I’m Surrounded By Snowflakes Unisex Sweatshirt

Perfect for:

Christmas lovers with sarcasm.

Holiday realists.

Winter introverts.

Festive extroverts.

Grumpy Christmas enthusiasts.

Sarcastic friends.

Funny coworkers.

Moms.

Dads.

Husbands.

Wives.

Boyfriends.

Girlfriends.

Siblings.

Friends.

Office jokesters.

Holiday-party survivors.

Christmas shoppers.

Last-minute shoppers.

Online shoppers obsessively refreshing tracking information.

People who love Christmas.

People who like Christmas.

People who tolerate Christmas.

People who need occasional breaks from Christmas.

People who love snow.

People who love snow from inside.

People who love snow until they have to drive through it.

People who love snow until they have to shovel it.

People who have been betrayed by a snowplow.

People who appreciate snowflakes individually.

People who find several billion snowflakes less charming.

People who love cozy sweatshirts.

People who love soft fleece.

People who spend winter on the couch.

People who consider blankets a lifestyle.

People who consider hot cocoa a meal.

People who consider coffee essential winter equipment.

People who hate being cold.

People who hate tangled Christmas lights.

People who have discovered half the light strand doesn’t work.

People who have been personally victimized by wrapping tape.

People who have lost the scissors while wrapping presents.

People who have underestimated how much wrapping paper they needed.

People who have constructed questionable gingerbread houses.

People who have baked cookies that looked nothing like the picture.

People who have attended mandatory office holiday fun.

People who have survived awkward family questions.

People who understand the strategic value of pie as a conversational distraction.

People who have worn matching pajamas against their will.

People who have attempted family Christmas photos.

People who have assembled toys on Christmas morning.

People who have discovered batteries aren’t included.

People who own every battery size except the one required.

People who have heard enough Christmas music by December 12.

People who still secretly love the Christmas music anyway.

People who love holiday movies.

People who watch the same holiday movies every year.

People who don’t want anyone suggesting a different movie.

People who need personal space.

People whose social battery doesn’t survive December.

People who appreciate sarcastic holiday humor.

People looking for a funny Christmas sweatshirt.

People looking for a sarcastic Christmas sweatshirt.

People looking for a snow globe sweatshirt.

People looking for a funny snowflake sweatshirt.

People looking for a grumpy Christmas tree sweatshirt.

People looking for a cozy holiday pullover.

People looking for a Christmas gag gift.

People looking for a funny coworker Christmas gift.

People looking for an ugly sweater party alternative.

And anyone whose perfect winter evening consists of:

SWEATSHIRT.

BLANKET.

COUCH.

HOT DRINK.

CHRISTMAS MOVIE.

ABSOLUTELY NO UNNECESSARY CONVERSATION.

Because holiday spirit doesn’t always look like dancing through the snow singing at maximum volume.

Sometimes holiday spirit looks like sitting comfortably on the couch in a fleece sweatshirt while muttering:

“THAT’S NICE.”

when someone shows you another decoration.

Sometimes it’s cookies.

Sometimes it’s family.

Sometimes it’s movies.

Sometimes it’s snow.

Sometimes it’s twinkling lights.

Sometimes it’s a hot drink.

And sometimes…

it’s quietly relating to the grumpy tree trapped inside the snow globe.

The tree isn’t anti-Christmas.

The tree isn’t trying to ruin anyone’s holiday.

The tree isn’t even particularly angry.

The tree is simply…

OVERSTIMULATED.

It has been decorated.

Shaken.

Surrounded.

Observed.

Shaken again.

And covered in snowflakes.

It would like five minutes.

Maybe a blanket.

Possibly coffee.

Honestly?

Give the tree a sweatshirt.

HELP! I’M SURROUNDED BY SNOWFLAKES.

TREE: FESTIVE.

TREE: COZY.

TREE: SLIGHTLY FED UP.

TREE: RELATABLE.

Final Cozy Holiday Survival Status Report

SWEATSHIRT: ON.

SOFT FLEECE INTERIOR: COZY.

RELAXED UNISEX FIT: READY.

TEMPERATURE OUTSIDE: RUDE.

TEMPERATURE INSIDE SWEATSHIRT: MUCH BETTER.

CHRISTMAS TREE: PRESENT.

TREE EXPRESSION: UNIMPRESSED.

SNOW GLOBE: SEALED.

SNOWFLAKES: NUMEROUS.

PERSONAL SPACE: ZERO.

FIRST SHAKE: SURVIVED.

SECOND SHAKE: UNNECESSARY.

THIRD SHAKE: PERSONAL.

TREE PATIENCE: LOW.

HOLIDAY CHEER: COMPLICATED BUT PRESENT.

CHRISTMAS LIGHTS: TANGLED.

HALF THE STRAND: WORKING.

ORNAMENTS: HUNG.

TREE: SLIGHTLY CROOKED.

CAT: INTERESTED.

DOG: ALSO INTERESTED.

TREE SECURITY: POOR.

SHOPPING: IN PROGRESS.

PARKING LOT: HOSTILE.

CHECKOUT LINE: LONG.

PACKAGE TRACKING: REFRESHED 17 TIMES.

DELIVERY DATE: OPTIMISTIC.

WRAPPING PAPER: SHORT.

TAPE: MISSING.

SCISSORS: MISSING.

GIFT TAGS: DEFINITELY BOUGHT SOMEWHERE.

GINGERBREAD HOUSE: STRUCTURALLY QUESTIONABLE.

COOKIES: UGLY BUT DELICIOUS.

OFFICE PARTY: SURVIVED.

SMALL TALK: MINIMIZED.

FAMILY GATHERING: ACTIVE.

AWKWARD QUESTIONS: DEFLECTED.

PIE: EFFECTIVE.

MATCHING PAJAMAS: WORN UNDER PROTEST.

FAMILY PHOTO: GOOD ENOUGH.

TOY ASSEMBLY: IN PROGRESS.

BATTERIES: WRONG SIZE.

CHRISTMAS MOVIE: SELECTED AFTER EXTENSIVE NEGOTIATION.

COUCH: READY.

BLANKET: DEPLOYED.

HOT COCOA: AVAILABLE.

COFFEE: ALSO AVAILABLE.

SNOW OUTSIDE: BEAUTIFUL.

DRIVEWAY: LESS BEAUTIFUL.

SHOVELING: COMPLETE.

MORE SNOW: ARRIVING.

SNOWPLOW: WAITING TO DESTROY YOUR WORK.

SOCIAL BATTERY: LOW.

PHYSICAL BATTERY: ALSO LOW.

SARCASM: FULLY CHARGED.

COMFORT: MAXIMUM.

HOLIDAY REALIST STATUS: CONFIRMED.

SNOWFLAKES: STILL EVERYWHERE.

TREE: STILL GRUMPY.

CURRENT STATUS: WARM, FESTIVE, SARCASTIC, AND NOT LEAVING THE COUCH.

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