Description
Snowman Anatomy – Unisex T-Shirt – Funny Christmas – Winter Science Diagram Tee
SPECIES: SNOWMAN.
COMPOSITION: MOSTLY SNOW.
NOSE: CARROT.
EYES: COAL.
ARMS: STICKS.
THERMAL TOLERANCE: EXCELLENT.
SUMMER SURVIVAL RATE: TERRIBLE.
EMERGENCY BACKUP SNOWBALL: READY.
SCIENCE: QUESTIONABLE.
FESTIVE ACCURACY: EXTREMELY HIGH.
Finally.
The scientific community has answered the question nobody was asking:
What exactly is going on inside a snowman?
The Snowman Anatomy Unisex T-Shirt takes winter’s favorite frozen lawn resident and gives it the full scientific-diagram treatment, complete with illustrated anatomy, labeled components, diagram-style lines, a Carrot Nose, and the critically important Emergency Backup Snowball.
Is it medically accurate?
No.
Is it scientifically rigorous?
Also no.
Did any accredited university approve this diagram?
Almost certainly not.
But does it finally provide the detailed anatomical analysis snowman researchers have demanded for generations?
Absolutely.
This funny winter graphic tee is perfect for Christmas parties, classroom celebrations, science teachers, STEM enthusiasts, snowman collectors, winter festivals, holiday gatherings, ugly sweater parties, family Christmas events, or simply standing next to an actual snowman and comparing the diagram.
Made to be soft and comfy with a unisex fit, it’s an easy winter favorite for anyone who enjoys Christmas humor, science jokes, quirky diagrams, and extremely serious research into extremely unserious subjects.
Because beneath every great snowman is a complicated biological system consisting primarily of…
snow.
Why You’ll Love It:
- Hilarious Snowman Anatomy Design – A funny diagram-style breakdown of everyone’s favorite frozen winter character.
- Educational-ish – Learn about carrot-based nasal structures, stick-arm anatomy, snowball construction, and other completely questionable scientific concepts.
- Soft & Comfy – Ready for holiday parties, winter festivals, Christmas gatherings, classroom celebrations, and cozy seasonal wear.
- Unisex Fit – Easy to wear on its own or layer underneath your favorite Christmas sweater.
- Perfect Science Humor – Great for science teachers, STEM students, engineers, biology fans, anatomy nerds, and anyone who appreciates labeled diagrams.
- Christmas Party Crowd-Pleaser – Expect people to lean closer and start reading the labels.
- Funny Snowman Gift – Great for snowman lovers, teachers, coworkers, family members, winter enthusiasts, and professional amateur snowman researchers.
Snowman Anatomy 101
Professor:
Welcome to Snowman Anatomy.
Student:
Is that a real course?
Professor:
It is now.
Student:
Do we get credit?
Professor:
No.
Student:
Then why am I here?
Professor:
Because today we’re discussing the Emergency Backup Snowball.
Student:
I’m listening.
Scientific Classification
KINGDOM: WINTER.
PHYLUM: FESTIVUS.
CLASS: SNOWPERSON.
ORDER: FROSTY.
FAMILY: FRONTYARDIDAE.
GENUS: SNOWMANUS.
SPECIES: FREEZINGUS FESTIVUS.
Scientist:
That taxonomy is completely made up.
You:
Prove it.
Scientist:
That’s not how science works.
You:
Sounds like someone hasn’t studied snowman anatomy.
The Carrot Nose
Student:
Why a carrot?
Professor:
Excellent question.
Student:
What’s the answer?
Professor:
Tradition.
Student:
Scientifically?
Professor:
Vegetable aerodynamics.
Student:
That’s not a thing.
Professor:
Next question.
Carrot Nose Status
MATERIAL: CARROT.
COLOR: ORANGE.
AERODYNAMICS: QUESTIONABLE.
NUTRITIONAL VALUE: IRRELEVANT.
RABBIT THREAT LEVEL: HIGH.
Student:
Wait.
Rabbit threat?
Professor:
We don’t have time.
The Eyes
Student:
Coal?
Professor:
Traditionally.
Student:
Can the snowman actually see?
Professor:
That’s beyond the scope of this course.
Student:
So you don’t know.
Professor:
I didn’t say that.
Student:
Do you know?
Professor:
Next slide.
Coal Eye Analysis
LEFT EYE: COAL.
RIGHT EYE: ALSO COAL.
VISION: UNCONFIRMED.
NIGHT VISION: PROBABLY TERRIBLE.
BLINKING ABILITY: ZERO.
STARING ABILITY: EXCELLENT.
You:
Little unsettling.
Snowman:
…
You:
Please stop looking at me.
The Stick Arms
Engineer:
Interesting.
Scientist:
What?
Engineer:
Stick-arm construction.
Scientist:
It’s literally two branches.
Engineer:
Elegant simplicity.
Scientist:
They’re sticks.
Engineer:
Minimalist engineering.
Scientist:
STICKS.
Engineer:
Nature’s structural components.
Scientist:
I hate talking to engineers.
Stick Arm Specifications
LEFT ARM: STICK.
RIGHT ARM: STICK.
ELBOWS: OPTIONAL.
FINGERS: HIGHLY VARIABLE.
GRIP STRENGTH: POOR.
WAVING ABILITY: DEPENDENT ON WIND.
Engineer:
Efficient.
Scientist:
How?
Engineer:
No moving parts.
Scientist:
Neither does a rock.
Engineer:
Extremely reliable.
The Snowball Torso
Student:
Why three snowballs?
Professor:
Structural stability.
Student:
Could you use two?
Professor:
Yes.
Student:
Four?
Professor:
Now you’re experimenting.
Student:
Five?
Professor:
You’re playing with forces you don’t understand.
Snowball Construction Status
HEAD: ROUND-ISH.
TORSO: ROUND-ISH.
LOWER BODY: VERY ROUND-ISH.
SYMMETRY: OPTIONAL.
STRUCTURAL INTEGRITY: DEPENDS ON SNOW QUALITY.
LEAN: CONCERNING.
Builder:
Looks fine.
Friend:
He’s leaning.
Builder:
Character.
Friend:
He’s REALLY leaning.
Builder:
Architectural personality.
Snowman:
Falls over.
Builder:
Structural recalibration.
Friend:
He fell.
Builder:
I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.
Emergency Backup Snowball
Student:
Okay.
We need to discuss this.
Professor:
Discuss what?
Student:
Emergency Backup Snowball.
Professor:
Critical anatomical feature.
Student:
For what emergency?
Professor:
Emergency.
Student:
What KIND of emergency?
Professor:
The kind requiring a backup snowball.
Student:
That explains nothing.
Professor:
Exactly.
Emergency System Status
PRIMARY SNOWBALL: ACTIVE.
SECONDARY SNOWBALL: ACTIVE.
EMERGENCY BACKUP SNOWBALL: STANDBY.
PURPOSE: CLASSIFIED.
Student:
Classified by whom?
Professor:
Snowman government.
Student:
There’s a snowman government?
Professor:
I’ve already said too much.
The Buttons
Student:
Buttons?
Professor:
Correct.
Student:
Do they actually button anything?
Professor:
No.
Student:
So they’re decorative.
Professor:
Essentially.
Student:
Why call them buttons?
Professor:
Because “three mysterious circles on torso” was too long.
Button Status
TOP BUTTON: PRESENT.
MIDDLE BUTTON: PRESENT.
BOTTOM BUTTON: PRESENT.
SHIRT: ABSENT.
ACTUAL BUTTONING FUNCTION: NONE.
Student:
So they’re completely unnecessary.
Professor:
Fashion is never unnecessary.
The Hat
Friend:
Why does a snowman need a hat?
You:
Style.
Friend:
He’s made of snow.
You:
Snow can have style.
Friend:
Wouldn’t insulation make him warmer?
You:
Don’t bring thermodynamics into this.
Friend:
We’re literally discussing snowman anatomy.
You:
Fine.
But the hat stays.
Hat Status
HEAD: FROZEN.
HAT: PRESENT.
NEED FOR HAT: QUESTIONABLE.
FASHION VALUE: EXTREME.
Snowman:
Looks fantastic.
You:
Exactly.
The Scarf
Friend:
Why does he need a scarf?
You:
He’s cold.
Friend:
He’s snow.
You:
Exactly.
Friend:
Wouldn’t being warm be dangerous?
You:
Stop using logic.
Scarf Status
NECK: PROTECTED.
WIND: BLOCKED.
FASHION: IMPROVED.
THERMODYNAMIC CONSEQUENCES: IGNORED.
Science:
This makes no sense.
Christmas:
Nobody asked you.
Thermodynamics
Physics Teacher:
We need to talk about heat transfer.
Snowman:
…
Physics Teacher:
You’re surrounded by warmer air.
Snowman:
…
Physics Teacher:
Eventually—
Child:
NO.
Physics Teacher:
But scientifically—
Child:
NO.
Physics Teacher:
The laws of thermodynamics—
Everyone:
NOT AT CHRISTMAS.
Snowman Survival Status
TEMPERATURE: 25°F.
SNOWMAN: THRIVING.
TEMPERATURE: 31°F.
SNOWMAN: FINE.
TEMPERATURE: 35°F.
SNOWMAN: CONCERNED.
TEMPERATURE: 42°F.
SNOWMAN: RECONSIDERING LIFE CHOICES.
You:
Stay strong.
Snowman:
Becoming shorter.
You:
STAY WITH US.
The Sunny Day
Weather:
Sunny and 47°.
Child:
Beautiful!
Snowman:
THIS IS AN EMERGENCY.
Child:
What’s wrong?
Snowman:
EVERYTHING.
Emergency Backup Snowball:
Standing by.
Child:
Finally!
The Snowman Builder
Parent:
Ready?
Child:
READY.
Parent:
Start rolling.
Five Minutes Later
Child:
This is heavy.
Parent:
Keep going.
Child:
How big does it need to be?
Parent:
Bigger.
Child:
Why?
Parent:
Snowman.
Child:
That’s not an answer.
Parent:
It’s the only answer.
Snowman Construction
SNOW QUALITY: ACCEPTABLE.
BASE: ROLLED.
BASE WEIGHT: MUCH HEAVIER THAN EXPECTED.
SECOND SNOWBALL: ROLLED.
ATTEMPT TO LIFT: FAILED.
Parent:
One, two, three!
Everyone:
LIFT!
Snowball:
Moves three inches.
Parent:
Again!
Child:
I thought this was supposed to be fun.
Parent:
IT IS.
The Giant Snowball
Neighbor:
That’s enormous.
You:
Thank you.
Neighbor:
How are you getting it onto the base?
You:
…
Neighbor:
You didn’t think about that.
You:
…
Neighbor:
Did you?
You:
We’re developing a strategy.
Neighbor:
You have no strategy.
You:
Correct.
Engineering Department
Engineer:
We need leverage.
Parent:
For a snowman?
Engineer:
Yes.
Parent:
It’s a snowman.
Engineer:
It’s a structural project.
Parent:
The kids just want to put the head on.
Engineer:
We need a pulley.
Parent:
No.
Engineer:
Ramp?
Parent:
No.
Engineer:
Crane?
Parent:
ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Engineer:
You’re limiting innovation.
The Perfect Snow
Child:
Can we build a snowman?
Parent:
Let’s check the snow.
Picks up snow.
Child:
Well?
Parent:
Too powdery.
Child:
What does that mean?
Parent:
Won’t pack.
Child:
But it’s snow!
Parent:
Not all snow is snowman snow.
Child:
My entire worldview just changed.
Snow Quality Report
SNOW: PRESENT.
PACKABILITY: POOR.
SNOWBALL POTENTIAL: LOW.
CHILD DISAPPOINTMENT: HIGH.
Parent:
Maybe tomorrow.
Child:
Winter has betrayed me.
The Perfect Packing Snow
Parent:
Try now.
Child:
Makes snowball.
Child:
IT WORKS!
Parent:
GO!
Snowman Construction Mode:
ACTIVATED.
The Face
Child:
Two coal eyes.
Parent:
Good.
Child:
Carrot nose.
Parent:
Good.
Child:
Mouth.
Parent:
What are you using?
Child:
Rocks.
Parent:
Fine.
Child:
Eyebrows.
Parent:
Snowmen have eyebrows?
Child:
This one does.
Parent:
Fair.
Snowman Facial Anatomy
EYES: TWO.
NOSE: ONE CARROT.
MOUTH: ROCK-BASED.
EYEBROWS: OPTIONAL.
FACIAL EXPRESSION: DEPENDENT ON ROCK PLACEMENT.
Child:
He looks angry.
Parent:
Move the eyebrows.
Child:
Now he looks surprised.
Parent:
Good enough.
The Creepy Snowman
Neighbor:
Your snowman is staring at my house.
You:
No he’s not.
Neighbor:
He absolutely is.
You:
He has coal eyes.
Neighbor:
Turn him around.
You:
That’s ridiculous.
Neighbor:
Please.
You:
Fine.
Turns snowman.
Next Morning
Neighbor:
HE’S FACING MY HOUSE AGAIN.
You:
…
Neighbor:
EXPLAIN THAT.
You:
Wind?
Neighbor:
THERE WAS NO WIND.
Snowman:
…
You:
We’re not discussing this.
The Science Teacher
Student:
Nice shirt.
Teacher:
Thank you.
Student:
Snowman anatomy?
Teacher:
Correct.
Student:
Is any of that scientifically accurate?
Teacher:
This is actually today’s quiz.
Student:
WHAT?
Teacher:
Question one:
Identify the Emergency Backup Snowball.
Student:
You’re joking.
Teacher:
Probably.
The Biology Teacher
Biology Teacher:
Let’s review anatomy.
Student:
Human anatomy?
Teacher:
No.
Student:
Animal anatomy?
Teacher:
No.
Student:
Plant anatomy?
Teacher:
Snowman.
Student:
Finally.
Something practical.
Biology Status
SKELETAL SYSTEM: ABSENT.
MUSCULAR SYSTEM: ABSENT.
CIRCULATORY SYSTEM: VERY ABSENT.
DIGESTIVE SYSTEM: UNNECESSARY.
CARROT: EXTERNAL.
Biology Teacher:
Fascinating organism.
Student:
It’s literally snow.
Biology Teacher:
Respect the specimen.
The Anatomy Student
Student:
Where’s the femur?
Professor:
No femur.
Student:
Tibia?
Professor:
No.
Student:
Spine?
Professor:
No.
Student:
Ribs?
Professor:
No.
Student:
Organs?
Professor:
No.
Student:
So what exactly are we studying?
Professor:
Snowballs.
Student:
I paid tuition for this?
Professor:
Education is priceless.
The Chemistry Teacher
Student:
What’s a snowman made of?
Chemistry Teacher:
Mostly water.
Student:
So we’re basically decorating frozen water?
Chemistry Teacher:
Technically—
Student:
You ruined snowmen.
Chemistry Teacher:
Science often has consequences.
Chemistry Status
H₂O: FROZEN.
CARROT: ORGANIC MATERIAL.
COAL: CARBON-RICH MATERIAL.
STICKS: WOOD.
MAGIC: NOT INCLUDED IN LAB ANALYSIS.
Student:
Boring.
Teacher:
Accurate.
The Physics Teacher
Teacher:
Why does the snowball get bigger when you roll it?
Student:
Because it picks up snow.
Teacher:
Excellent.
Student:
Do I get an A?
Teacher:
No.
Student:
Why?
Teacher:
That’s one question.
Student:
This class is unreasonable.
The Engineer
Engineer:
The base should be larger.
Child:
Why?
Engineer:
Lower center of gravity.
Child:
It’s a snowman.
Engineer:
Exactly.
Child:
I just want to build it.
Engineer:
And I want it structurally sound.
Child:
You’re making Christmas weird.
Engineer:
You’re welcome.
Snowman Engineering Report
BASE DIAMETER: LARGE.
CENTER SECTION: MEDIUM.
HEAD: SMALLER.
CENTER OF GRAVITY: ACCEPTABLE.
LEAN ANGLE: 4°.
ENGINEER CONCERN LEVEL: MODERATE.
Child:
Can we add the carrot now?
Engineer:
After inspection.
Child:
MOM!
The STEM Teacher
Teacher:
Today we’re combining science and Christmas.
Student:
How?
Teacher:
Snowman anatomy.
Student:
That isn’t science.
Teacher:
Not with that attitude.
Student:
What are we learning?
Teacher:
Carrot-based nasal engineering.
Student:
I’m suddenly interested.
Classroom Status
LESSON PLAN: FESTIVE.
SCIENTIFIC ACCURACY: QUESTIONABLE.
STUDENT ENGAGEMENT: SURPRISINGLY HIGH.
Teacher:
Whatever works.
The Science Fair
Judge:
Tell me about your project.
Student:
Snowman Anatomy.
Judge:
Interesting.
Student:
This is the carrot nose.
Judge:
Yes.
Student:
Stick arms.
Judge:
Yes.
Student:
Emergency Backup Snowball.
Judge:
I’m sorry?
Student:
Critical system.
Judge:
Explain.
Student:
Classified.
Judge:
…
Student:
Snowman government.
Judge:
I have several concerns.
The Laboratory
Scientist:
Specimen acquired.
Assistant:
Snowman?
Scientist:
Correct.
Assistant:
Shouldn’t we keep it outside?
Scientist:
Why?
Assistant:
Because the lab is 72 degrees.
Scientist:
…
Assistant:
Doctor?
Scientist:
GET THE SPECIMEN OUTSIDE.
Snowman Research Status
SPECIMEN: ACQUIRED.
LAB TEMPERATURE: INCOMPATIBLE.
RESEARCH PROTOCOL: FLAWED.
SNOWMAN: SHRINKING.
Scientist:
ABORT EXPERIMENT.
The Microscope
Student:
Can we look at snow under the microscope?
Teacher:
Yes.
Student:
Can we look at the carrot?
Teacher:
Sure.
Student:
Can we look at the Emergency Backup Snowball?
Teacher:
That’s just more snow.
Student:
You don’t know that.
Teacher:
I absolutely do.
The Doctor
Patient:
Doctor, what’s the diagnosis?
Doctor:
You’re a snowman.
Patient:
Is that serious?
Doctor:
Depends.
Patient:
On what?
Doctor:
The weather forecast.
Patient:
…
Doctor:
Avoid Florida.
Snowman Medical Advice
COLD WEATHER: RECOMMENDED.
DIRECT SUNLIGHT: LIMITED.
FIREPLACE: AVOID.
HAIR DRYER: EXTREMELY AVOID.
SAUNA: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Snowman:
Anything else?
Doctor:
Stay hydrated?
Snowman:
I’m literally frozen water.
Doctor:
Right.
The Grocery Store
Stranger:
I like your shirt.
You:
Thanks.
Stranger:
Is that snowman anatomy?
You:
Yep.
Stranger:
Emergency Backup Snowball?
You:
Critical equipment.
Stranger:
For what?
You:
Classified.
Stranger:
Makes sense.
Grocery Store Status
MILK: ACQUIRED.
BREAD: ACQUIRED.
EGGS: ACQUIRED.
RANDOM CONVERSATION ABOUT SNOWMAN ANATOMY: ALSO ACQUIRED.
You:
Successful trip.
The Holiday Party
Friend:
What’s on your shirt?
You:
Snowman anatomy.
Friend:
Let me see.
Leans closer.
Friend:
Carrot nose.
You:
Yep.
Friend:
Emergency Backup Snowball?!
You:
Important.
Friend:
Why?
You:
You never know.
Party Status
CHRISTMAS MUSIC: PLAYING.
COOKIES: AVAILABLE.
HOT COCOA: AVAILABLE.
SNOWMAN DIAGRAM: BEING ANALYZED BY SIX ADULTS.
Friend:
This is ridiculous.
You:
And yet you’re still reading it.
Friend:
Fair.
The Ugly Sweater Party
Friend:
You’re not wearing an ugly sweater.
You:
Nope.
Friend:
It’s an ugly sweater party.
You:
I brought educational content.
Friend:
Snowman Anatomy?
You:
Exactly.
Friend:
That isn’t educational.
You:
Educational-ish.
Friend:
Accepted.
Winter Festival
Stranger:
Nice shirt.
You:
Thanks.
Stranger:
Did you build a snowman?
You:
Not yet.
Stranger:
You’re wearing the anatomy diagram.
You:
Research first.
Stranger:
Responsible.
You:
Safety matters.
Snow Day
SCHOOL: CLOSED.
SNOW: FALLING.
SLEDS: READY.
HOT COCOA: PLANNED.
SNOWMAN CONSTRUCTION: IMMINENT.
Child:
Can we go outside?!
Parent:
Give me five minutes.
Child:
You said that twenty minutes ago.
Parent:
I’m looking for gloves.
Child:
They’re on your hands.
Parent:
…
Child:
Are you okay?
Parent:
Snow day.
The Snowball Fight
Friend:
Ready?
You:
Ready for what?
Snowball:
Incoming.
You:
HEY!
Friend:
Snowball fight!
You:
You could have warned me.
Friend:
That would defeat the purpose.
Snowball Fight Status
AMMUNITION: SNOW.
FORTIFICATIONS: MINIMAL.
ACCURACY: QUESTIONABLE.
FRIENDSHIP: TEMPORARILY SUSPENDED.
You:
This means war.
Emergency Backup Snowball
Friend:
Where did that come from?!
You:
Points at shirt.
Friend:
NO.
You:
I TOLD YOU.
The Snow Fort
Child:
We need walls.
Parent:
Okay.
Child:
And a tower.
Parent:
Sure.
Child:
And a tunnel.
Parent:
Maybe.
Child:
And a second floor.
Parent:
Absolutely not.
Child:
Why?
Parent:
We’re building with snow, not concrete.
The Snow Angel
Friend:
Snow angel?
You:
Absolutely.
Lies down.
Moves arms and legs.
Stands.
Friend:
Beautiful.
You:
Thank you.
Friend:
You stepped directly on it.
You:
…
Friend:
Immediately.
You:
Nobody saw that.
Winter Status
SNOWMAN: BUILT.
SNOWBALLS: THROWN.
SNOW ANGEL: CREATED.
SNOW ANGEL: ACCIDENTALLY DESTROYED.
GLOVES: WET.
SOCKS: SOMEHOW ALSO WET.
You:
Worth it.
The Snowman Family
Child:
We need another one.
Parent:
Another snowman?
Child:
He needs a friend.
Parent:
Fine.
Child:
And another.
Parent:
Why?
Child:
Family.
Parent:
How large is this family?
Child:
We’ll know when we’re done.
Parent:
I’m suddenly concerned.
Front Yard Status
SNOWMAN ONE: COMPLETE.
SNOWMAN TWO: COMPLETE.
SNOWMAN THREE: UNDER CONSTRUCTION.
PARENT ENERGY: DECLINING.
CHILD ENERGY: INEXPLICABLY INCREASING.
Parent:
How are you not tired?
Child:
SNOW!
The Neighbor Competition
Neighbor:
Nice snowman.
You:
Thanks.
Neighbor:
We built one too.
You:
Nice.
Looks over.
Neighbor Snowman:
Massive.
Perfectly symmetrical.
Detailed face.
Hat.
Scarf.
Stick arms.
You:
…
Neighbor:
Everything okay?
You:
We’re rebuilding.
Friend:
No we’re not.
You:
WE HAVE BEEN CHALLENGED.
Snowman Competition
NEIGHBOR SNOWMAN: IMPRESSIVE.
YOUR SNOWMAN: CHARMING.
YOUR CONFIDENCE: THREATENED.
COMPETITIVE INSTINCT: ACTIVATED.
Friend:
It’s snow.
You:
It’s personal now.
The Morning After
You:
Checks window.
Snowman:
Leaning.
You:
Oh no.
Friend:
What?
You:
He’s leaning.
Friend:
So?
You:
Four degrees yesterday.
Eight degrees today.
Friend:
You measured it?
You:
Don’t judge me.
Structural Status
BASE: SOFTENING.
LEAN: INCREASING.
CARROT: STILL SECURE.
LEFT ARM: QUESTIONABLE.
EMERGENCY BACKUP SNOWBALL: POSSIBLY REQUIRED.
You:
This is what we trained for.
The Missing Carrot
Child:
THE NOSE IS GONE!
Parent:
What?
Child:
THE CARROT!
Parent:
Maybe it fell.
Child:
It’s not here!
Parent:
Animal?
Child:
WHO WOULD DO THIS?
Rabbit Somewhere Nearby:
…
Carrot Nose Status
YESTERDAY: PRESENT.
TODAY: MISSING.
SUSPECTS: NUMEROUS.
RABBIT: REFUSING COMMENT.
Child:
We need another carrot.
Parent:
I’ll get one.
Child:
And security cameras.
Parent:
We’re not doing that.
The Missing Arm
Child:
His arm fell off.
Parent:
Put it back.
Child:
Is he okay?
Parent:
He’s a snowman.
Child:
THAT DOESN’T ANSWER MY QUESTION.
Parent:
He’ll be fine.
Child:
We need snowman surgery.
Parent:
Apparently we do.
Snowman Surgery
PATIENT: STABLE.
LEFT ARM: DETACHED.
SURGEON: EIGHT YEARS OLD.
ASSISTANT: DAD.
MEDICAL TRAINING: ZERO.
Child:
Stick.
Parent:
Stick.
Child:
Snow.
Parent:
Snow.
Child:
Done.
Parent:
Impressive.
The Warm Front
Weather Forecast:
Tomorrow: 51 degrees.
You:
No.
Weather Forecast:
Sunny.
You:
NO.
Snowman:
…
You:
I’m sorry.
Snowman:
…
You:
We had a good run.
Melting Status
HEAD DIAMETER: DECREASING.
CARROT ANGLE: INCREASINGLY SAD.
BUTTON POSITION: SHIFTING.
STRUCTURAL INTEGRITY: DECLINING.
Child:
Can we save him?
Parent:
Freezer?
Child:
YES.
Parent:
I was joking.
Child:
I’M NOT.
The Freezer Plan
Child:
We’ll put him in the freezer.
Parent:
He’s six feet tall.
Child:
Take the food out.
Parent:
Absolutely not.
Child:
You care more about frozen pizza than him?
Parent:
That’s not fair.
Child:
LOOK AT HIM.
Parent:
Fine.
The pizza stays, though.
Spring
Friend:
Where’s your Snowman Anatomy shirt?
You:
Too soon.
Friend:
Why?
You:
Snowman season ended.
Friend:
He melted three months ago.
You:
I SAID TOO SOON.
The Christmas Gift
Recipient:
Snowman Anatomy?
You:
Yep.
Recipient:
Carrot nose.
You:
Yep.
Recipient:
Emergency Backup Snowball.
You:
Yep.
Recipient:
This is ridiculous.
You:
Do you like it?
Recipient:
I love it.
You:
Then science wins.
The Science Teacher Gift
Teacher:
You got this for me?
Student:
Yep.
Teacher:
Snowman anatomy.
Student:
Educational.
Teacher:
No.
Student:
Educational-ish.
Teacher:
I’ll allow it.
The STEM Gift
Engineer:
Emergency Backup Snowball?
You:
Redundancy.
Engineer:
Finally.
Someone understands system design.
You:
Exactly.
Engineer:
Primary snowball failure requires backup capacity.
You:
Now you’re taking this too seriously.
Engineer:
There is no such thing.
The Biology Gift
Biologist:
This anatomy is completely wrong.
You:
Obviously.
Biologist:
The snowman doesn’t even have anatomy.
You:
That’s the joke.
Biologist:
…
You:
You still like it.
Biologist:
I do.
The Physics Gift
Physicist:
Do you want me to explain why a snowman melts?
You:
No.
Physicist:
Heat transfer—
You:
NO.
Physicist:
Thermodynamics—
You:
IT’S CHRISTMAS.
Physicist:
Science doesn’t take holidays.
You:
You are exhausting.
The Chemistry Gift
Chemist:
Technically the snow is—
You:
Frozen water.
Chemist:
Yes.
You:
I knew you’d say that.
Chemist:
Then why did you ask?
You:
I didn’t.
Chemist:
Fair.
The Snowman Enthusiast
Friend:
How many snowman decorations do you own?
Snowman Fan:
A few.
Friend:
Define few.
Snowman Fan:
No.
Friend:
Is that an entire shelf?
Snowman Fan:
Seasonal display.
Friend:
There are snowmen in every room.
Snowman Fan:
Festive consistency.
Friend:
And now a Snowman Anatomy shirt?
Snowman Fan:
Obviously.
The Collector
SNOWMAN FIGURINES: MANY.
SNOWMAN ORNAMENTS: MANY.
SNOWMAN MUGS: MANY.
SNOWMAN PILLOWS: MANY.
SNOWMAN SHIRT: ACQUIRED.
Friend:
Collection complete?
Snowman Fan:
Don’t be ridiculous.
The Snowman Anatomy Unisex T-Shirt
A scientifically questionable Christmas gift for:
Snowman lovers.
Snowman enthusiasts.
Snowman collectors.
Christmas lovers.
Winter lovers.
Snow lovers.
Holiday humor fans.
Christmas humor fans.
Winter humor fans.
Science nerds.
STEM nerds.
Science teachers.
STEM teachers.
Biology teachers.
Chemistry teachers.
Physics teachers.
Anatomy teachers.
Engineering teachers.
Math and science teachers.
Elementary teachers.
Middle school teachers.
High school teachers.
College professors with a sense of humor.
Science students.
STEM students.
Biology students.
Chemistry students.
Physics students.
Engineering students.
Anatomy students.
Medical students who need something significantly less serious to study.
Engineers.
Scientists.
Biologists.
Chemists.
Physicists.
Researchers.
Lab technicians.
Science fair participants.
Science club members.
Robotics club members.
People who love diagrams.
People who love labeled diagrams.
People who love fake diagrams.
People who read every label on funny shirts.
People who enjoy unnecessarily detailed explanations.
People who love absurd science jokes.
People who appreciate educational-ish clothing.
People fascinated by carrot-based nasal engineering.
People concerned about stick-arm structural integrity.
People who understand the importance of redundancy.
People who appreciate an Emergency Backup Snowball.
People who want to know exactly what emergency requires an Emergency Backup Snowball.
People who may never receive an answer.
People who build snowmen.
People who build enormous snowmen.
People who build tiny snowmen.
People who build crooked snowmen.
People who insist crooked snowmen have “character.”
People whose snowman immediately leans.
People whose snowman falls over.
People who rebuild it.
People who become strangely emotionally invested in frozen yard decorations.
People who use carrot noses.
People whose carrot noses disappear overnight.
People who immediately suspect rabbits.
People who use coal eyes.
People who use rock eyes.
People who improvise because nobody actually has coal lying around.
People who spend twenty minutes looking for perfect stick arms.
People who reject multiple sticks before selecting the correct sticks.
People who understand snowman construction has standards.
People who know not all snow is snowman snow.
People who understand packing snow.
People who have attempted to roll an enormous snowball.
People who realized too late they couldn’t lift it.
People who needed three people to put the middle section on.
People who briefly considered engineering equipment.
People who got competitive with the neighbor’s snowman.
People who insist it wasn’t a competition until the neighbor made it a competition.
People who measure snowman lean.
People who conduct emergency snowman repairs.
People who have performed stick-arm surgery.
People who have watched a beloved snowman slowly melt.
People who considered putting the snowman in the freezer.
People whose children genuinely wanted to put the snowman in the freezer.
People who understand that spring can be emotionally complicated.
People who love snow days.
People who love snowball fights.
People who build snow forts.
People who make snow angels.
People who immediately step on their own snow angel.
People who return inside with wet gloves.
People who somehow also have wet socks.
People who drink hot cocoa afterward.
People who attend Christmas parties.
People who attend holiday parties.
People who attend ugly sweater parties.
People who want a funny alternative to an ugly Christmas sweater.
People who attend winter festivals.
People who attend school Christmas celebrations.
People who enjoy classroom holiday humor.
People who want a funny science teacher Christmas shirt.
People who want a STEM Christmas shirt.
People who want a funny snowman shirt.
People who want a snowman anatomy shirt.
People who want a Christmas diagram shirt.
People who want a funny winter graphic tee.
People who want a quirky Christmas shirt.
People who want a snowman gag gift.
People who want a science teacher gift.
People who want a STEM teacher gift.
People who want a funny teacher Christmas gift.
People who want a scientist Christmas gift.
People who want an engineer Christmas gift.
People who want a biology teacher gift.
People who want a chemistry teacher gift.
People who want a physics teacher gift.
People who want a Christmas science shirt.
People who want winter science humor.
People who appreciate fake scientific classifications.
People who understand that snowmen probably do NOT belong to the species Freezingus festivus.
People who don’t particularly care because it sounds right.
And anyone who has ever looked at a snowman and wondered:
Carrot nose?
Makes sense.
Stick arms?
Sure.
Coal eyes?
Classic.
Emergency Backup Snowball?
Wait…
WHAT?
Snowman Anatomy Final Examination
SPECIMEN: SNOWMAN.
HEAD: SNOWBALL.
TORSO: SNOWBALL.
LOWER BODY: LARGER SNOWBALL.
COMPOSITION: FROZEN WATER.
CARROT NOSE: PRESENT.
CARROT AERODYNAMICS: UNVERIFIED.
COAL EYES: PRESENT.
VISION: UNCONFIRMED.
ROCK MOUTH: SMILING.
FACIAL MUSCLES: ABSENT.
STICK ARMS: ATTACHED.
ELBOWS: QUESTIONABLE.
FINGERS: DEPENDENT ON BRANCH STRUCTURE.
BUTTONS: PRESENT.
SHIRT REQUIRING BUTTONS: ABSENT.
HAT: PRESENT.
NEED FOR HAT: SCIENTIFICALLY QUESTIONABLE.
SCARF: PRESENT.
THERMAL LOGIC OF SCARF: PLEASE STOP ASKING.
STRUCTURAL INTEGRITY: ACCEPTABLE.
LEAN ANGLE: 3°.
ENGINEER: MONITORING.
CHILD: UNCONCERNED.
TEMPERATURE: 28°F.
SNOWMAN HEALTH: EXCELLENT.
WEATHER FORECAST: 34°F.
SNOWMAN CONCERN: MODERATE.
WEATHER FORECAST TOMORROW: 46°F.
SNOWMAN CONCERN: EXTREME.
SUN: APPROACHING.
THERMODYNAMICS: ACTIVATING.
PHYSICS TEACHER: BEGINNING EXPLANATION.
EVERYONE: “NOT NOW.”
RABBIT: DETECTED.
RABBIT DISTANCE FROM CARROT: DECREASING.
CARROT SECURITY: THREATENED.
EMERGENCY PROTOCOL: ACTIVE.
EMERGENCY BACKUP SNOWBALL: READY.
PURPOSE OF EMERGENCY BACKUP SNOWBALL: STILL UNKNOWN.
SCIENTIFIC ACCURACY: LOW.
COMEDIC VALUE: HIGH.
EDUCATIONAL VALUE: EDUCATIONAL-ISH.
HOLIDAY SPIRIT: MAXIMUM.
SNOWMAN ANATOMY EXAM: PASSED.
CURRENT STATUS: FROSTY SCIENCE WITH A SIDE OF LAUGHS.
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| S | M | L | XL | 2XL | 3XL | 4XL | 5XL | |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Width, in | 17.99 | 20.00 | 21.97 | 23.98 | 25.98 | 27.99 | 30.04 | 31.97 |
| Length, in | 28.00 | 29.00 | 30.00 | 31.00 | 32.00 | 33.00 | 34.00 | 35.00 |
| Sleeve length, in | 7.24 | 7.76 | 8.23 | 8.74 | 9.25 | 9.76 | 10.24 | 10.75 |
Additional information
| Weight | N/A |
|---|
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