Snowman Anatomy – Unisex Sweatshirt – Funny Christmas – Science Diagram

SPECIMEN: SNOWMAN.

BODY COMPOSITION: MOSTLY SNOW.

CARROT NOSE: INSTALLED.

COAL EYES: FUNCTIONAL-ISH.

STICK ARMS: ATTACHED.

BUTTONS: PRESENT DESPITE COMPLETE ABSENCE OF SHIRT.

SCARF: SCIENTIFICALLY QUESTIONABLE.

EMERGENCY BACKUP SNOWBALL: READY.

OUTSIDE TEMPERATURE: FREEZING.

YOUR SWEATSHIRT: FLEECE-LINED.

SNOWMAN: THRIVING.

YOU: ALSO THRIVING.

Welcome to the fascinating world of…

SNOWMAN ANATOMY.

A field of study so specialized that virtually no accredited university offers it.

Yet.

The Snowman Anatomy Unisex Sweatshirt combines cozy winter comfort with a hilariously unnecessary scientific examination of everyone’s favorite frozen yard resident.

Featuring a funny diagram-style snowman with labeled anatomical components such as the Carrot Nose, Coal Eyes, and critically important Emergency Backup Snowball, this fleece-lined Christmas sweatshirt is perfect for anyone who likes their holiday humor with a completely unreasonable amount of scientific analysis.

Is the diagram medically accurate?

No.

Biologically accurate?

Absolutely not.

Has it survived peer review?

It hasn’t survived any review.

But does it answer some of humanity’s most pressing snowman-related questions?

Also no.

What it DOES provide is a wonderfully ridiculous winter graphic for science teachers, STEM nerds, engineers, students, snowman enthusiasts, Christmas lovers, holiday-party attendees, snow-day professionals, and anyone who has ever spent twenty minutes searching the yard for two sticks that look sufficiently arm-like.

With a soft, toasty fleece-lined interior and comfortable unisex fit, it’s ready for chilly mornings, Christmas shopping, winter festivals, holiday parties, classroom celebrations, snow days, cocoa sessions, snowman construction, and standing outside wondering why you didn’t put on warmer socks.

Because winter science is complicated.

Especially when your research subject starts melting at 35 degrees.

Why You’ll Love It:

• Funny Snowman Anatomy Design – A diagram-style breakdown of the mysterious biological engineering behind the common snowman.
• Seriously Silly Science Humor – Perfect for people who appreciate anatomy diagrams, STEM jokes, fake science, and unnecessarily detailed explanations.
• Soft & Toasty Fleece Interior – Cozy warmth for cold winter days, holiday gatherings, and post-snowman-building recovery.
• Comfortable Unisex Fit – Casual seasonal style for snow lovers, Christmas fans, teachers, students, scientists, engineers, and amateur snowman researchers.
• Perfect Holiday Party Sweatshirt – Funny enough to compete with the loudest ugly Christmas sweaters without requiring blinking lights or battery packs.
• Great for Science Teachers & STEM Fans – Bring questionable snowman biology into the classroom where it absolutely does not belong.
• Funny Christmas Gift – Perfect for snowman lovers, science nerds, teachers, coworkers, friends, family members, and anyone fascinated by the Emergency Backup Snowball.

Snowman Anatomy

Professor:

Welcome.

Student:

What class is this?

Professor:

Snowman Anatomy.

Student:

I registered for biology.

Professor:

This IS biology.

Student:

No it isn’t.

Professor:

Open your textbook.

Student:

There isn’t a textbook.

Professor:

Exactly.

We’re breaking new ground.

Student:

Can I transfer?

Professor:

Too late.

Snowman Anatomy 101

HEAD: SNOWBALL.

TORSO: SNOWBALL.

LOWER BODY: BIGGER SNOWBALL.

NOSE: CARROT.

EYES: COAL.

ARMS: STICKS.

INTERNAL ORGANS: APPARENTLY UNNECESSARY.

EMERGENCY BACKUP SNOWBALL: CLASSIFIED.

Student:

Why is that classified?

Professor:

Snowman national security.

Student:

There’s a snowman government?

Professor:

Next slide.

Scientific Classification

KINGDOM: WINTER.

PHYLUM: FROZEN.

CLASS: SNOWPERSON.

ORDER: FROSTY.

FAMILY: FRONTYARDIDAE.

GENUS: SNOWMANUS.

SPECIES: FREEZINGUS FESTIVUS.

Biologist:

None of that is real.

You:

Sounds real.

Biologist:

That’s not how taxonomy works.

You:

Are you certified in snowman biology?

Biologist:

Nobody is.

You:

Exactly.

The Carrot Nose

Student:

Why carrots?

Professor:

Traditional snowman nasal anatomy.

Student:

But scientifically?

Professor:

Excellent aerodynamic properties.

Student:

Based on what research?

Professor:

Snowman research.

Student:

Which study?

Professor:

The… carrot one.

Student:

You’re making this up.

Professor:

You’re asking too many questions.

Carrot Nose Analysis

MATERIAL: CARROT.

COLOR: ORANGE.

SHAPE: POINTY.

AERODYNAMICS: PROBABLY FINE.

OLFACTORY FUNCTION: UNCONFIRMED.

RABBIT RESISTANCE: EXTREMELY POOR.

Student:

Rabbit resistance?

Professor:

Major design flaw.

The Rabbit

Rabbit:

Sees snowman.

Snowman:

…

Rabbit:

Sees carrot.

Snowman:

…

Rabbit:

Approaches.

Snowman:

…

Rabbit:

Takes carrot.

Snowman:

…

Child:

MOM!

Carrot Security Status

CARROT NOSE: MISSING.

LAST KNOWN LOCATION: FACE.

SUSPECT: SMALL, FLUFFY, LONG EARS.

MOTIVE: STRONG.

Rabbit:

No comment.

The Coal Eyes

Student:

Can snowmen see?

Professor:

Excellent question.

Student:

So?

Professor:

We don’t know.

Student:

Then why are the eyes labeled?

Professor:

Because they’re eyes.

Student:

But they’re coal.

Professor:

Coal eyes.

Student:

That doesn’t make them functional.

Professor:

Look at the diagram.

Student:

That’s not evidence.

Professor:

Next question.

Vision Test

Doctor:

Read the smallest line you can see.

Snowman:

…

Doctor:

Anything?

Snowman:

…

Doctor:

Blink once if you can hear me.

Snowman:

…

Doctor:

Right.

Coal.

Eye Status

LEFT EYE: COAL.

RIGHT EYE: COAL.

VISION: UNCONFIRMED.

BLINKING: IMPOSSIBLE.

STARING: EXCELLENT.

CREEPY NIGHTTIME SILHOUETTE: OUTSTANDING.

Neighbor:

Can you turn your snowman?

You:

Why?

Neighbor:

He’s staring into my bedroom.

You:

He has coal eyes.

Neighbor:

TURN HIM.

The Stick Arms

Engineer:

Beautiful.

Scientist:

What?

Engineer:

Those arms.

Scientist:

They’re sticks.

Engineer:

Elegant engineering.

Scientist:

They’re branches from a tree.

Engineer:

Lightweight.

Renewable.

Simple construction.

Scientist:

THEY ARE STICKS.

Engineer:

Exactly.

Stick Arm Specifications

LEFT ARM: STICK.

RIGHT ARM: STICK.

SHOULDER JOINT: SNOW.

ELBOW: DEPENDS ON BRANCH.

FINGERS: HIGHLY VARIABLE.

GRIP STRENGTH: APPROXIMATELY ZERO.

HIGH-FIVE CAPABILITY: EXTREMELY LIMITED.

Engineer:

Minimal moving parts.

Scientist:

Zero moving parts.

Engineer:

Even better.

The Buttons

Student:

Why buttons?

Professor:

Decoration.

Student:

What do they button?

Professor:

Nothing.

Student:

Then why call them buttons?

Professor:

Because they’re buttons.

Student:

But there’s no shirt.

Professor:

Correct.

Student:

This entire organism makes no sense.

Professor:

Now you’re learning.

Button System

BUTTON ONE: PRESENT.

BUTTON TWO: PRESENT.

BUTTON THREE: PRESENT.

SHIRT: ABSENT.

BUTTONHOLES: ABSENT.

ACTUAL FUNCTION: NONE.

AESTHETIC FUNCTION: EXCELLENT.

Student:

Finally.

An honest answer.

The Scarf

Physics Teacher:

A scarf retains heat.

Child:

Yep.

Physics Teacher:

But the snowman needs to remain cold.

Child:

Yep.

Physics Teacher:

So why give him a scarf?

Child:

Because he looks cute.

Physics Teacher:

But thermodynamically—

Child:

Stop.

Physics Teacher:

I’m just saying—

Child:

CHRISTMAS DOESN’T NEED YOUR THERMODYNAMICS.

Physics Teacher:

Everything needs thermodynamics.

Child:

Mom!

Scarf Status

SCARF: WARM.

SNOWMAN: SHOULD NOT BE WARM.

LOGICAL CONTRADICTION: DETECTED.

SCARF REMOVAL: DENIED.

REASON: LOOKS GOOD.

Christmas:

Case closed.

The Hat

Friend:

Why does he need a hat?

You:

Winter.

Friend:

He’s made of winter.

You:

Fashion.

Friend:

That’s a better answer.

Hat Status

TOP HAT: INSTALLED.

HEAD TEMPERATURE: FROZEN.

THERMAL NECESSITY: ZERO.

STYLE NECESSITY: MAXIMUM.

Snowman:

Dapper.

The Emergency Backup Snowball

Student:

We’re finally talking about it.

Professor:

About what?

Student:

The Emergency Backup Snowball.

Professor:

Ah.

Student:

What does it do?

Professor:

It’s a backup.

Student:

For which snowball?

Professor:

Whichever needs backing up.

Student:

Where is it stored?

Professor:

Classified.

Student:

How is it deployed?

Professor:

Classified.

Student:

Who authorized it?

Professor:

Classified.

Student:

Does it even exist?

Professor:

…

Student:

DOES IT?

Professor:

Next slide.

Emergency Backup Snowball Status

BACKUP SYSTEM: ACTIVE.

LOCATION: CLASSIFIED.

PURPOSE: CLASSIFIED.

DEPLOYMENT METHOD: CLASSIFIED.

ACTUAL EXISTENCE: PROBABLY.

Student:

This is ridiculous.

Professor:

Until you need one.

The Snowman’s Internal Anatomy

Student:

What’s inside?

Professor:

Snow.

Student:

Under that?

Professor:

More snow.

Student:

Under that?

Professor:

Snow.

Student:

Organs?

Professor:

No.

Student:

Bones?

Professor:

No.

Student:

Muscles?

Professor:

No.

Student:

Nervous system?

Professor:

No.

Student:

So it’s snow all the way through?

Professor:

Finally.

You’re getting it.

Anatomy Status

BONES: ZERO.

MUSCLES: ZERO.

ORGANS: ZERO.

BLOOD: ZERO.

SNOW: EXTENSIVE.

Student:

This exam is going to be easy.

Professor:

Wait until we reach advanced snowballs.

Student:

Advanced WHAT?

The Biology Teacher

Teacher:

Today we’re studying anatomy.

Student:

Human anatomy?

Teacher:

No.

Student:

Animal anatomy?

Teacher:

No.

Student:

Snowman anatomy?

Teacher:

How did you know?

Student:

Your sweatshirt.

Teacher:

Right.

Student:

Is this going to be on the test?

Teacher:

Absolutely.

Student:

Seriously?

Teacher:

No.

But you should have seen your face.

Classroom Status

LESSON: SCIENCE.

TEACHER SWEATSHIRT: SNOWMAN ANATOMY.

STUDENT ATTENTION: UNUSUALLY HIGH.

ACTUAL EDUCATIONAL VALUE: DEBATABLE.

Teacher:

I’ll take it.

The Chemistry Teacher

Teacher:

What is snow?

Student:

Frozen water.

Teacher:

Chemical formula?

Student:

H₂O.

Teacher:

Excellent.

Student:

So technically a snowman is mostly H₂O.

Teacher:

Correct.

Student:

So why didn’t the shirt just label everything H₂O?

Teacher:

Because that would be significantly less funny.

Student:

Fair.

Chemistry Analysis

SNOW: H₂O.

CARROT: ORGANIC MATERIAL.

COAL: CARBON-RICH MATERIAL.

STICKS: WOOD.

SCARF: NOT PART OF CHEMISTRY LESSON.

MAGIC: OUTSIDE CURRENT CURRICULUM.

Student:

Can magic be extra credit?

Teacher:

No.

The Physics Teacher

Teacher:

Today we’re discussing heat transfer.

Student:

Oh no.

Teacher:

Consider a snowman.

Student:

NO.

Teacher:

As ambient temperature rises—

Student:

STOP.

Teacher:

The snow absorbs thermal energy—

Student:

HE HAS A FAMILY.

Teacher:

He’s frozen water.

Student:

YOU’RE A MONSTER.

Physics Status

AMBIENT TEMPERATURE: RISING.

THERMAL ENERGY: TRANSFERRING.

SNOWMAN: MELTING.

STUDENT: EMOTIONALLY DEVASTATED.

Teacher:

Science isn’t always easy.

Student:

I hate physics.

The Engineer

Child:

Help me build a snowman.

Engineer:

Absolutely.

Child:

Roll this snowball.

Engineer:

Wait.

Child:

What?

Engineer:

We need specifications.

Child:

No we don’t.

Engineer:

Base diameter?

Child:

Big.

Engineer:

Define big.

Child:

BIG.

Engineer:

Center of gravity?

Child:

I’M EIGHT.

Engineer:

Structural integrity matters.

Child:

MOM!

Snowman Engineering Plan

BASE: LARGE.

TORSO: MEDIUM.

HEAD: SMALL.

CENTER OF GRAVITY: LOW.

FOUNDATION: SNOW.

BUILDING CODE: NONE.

Engineer:

Disturbing.

Child:

Can we build now?

Engineer:

After the load calculations.

Child:

I regret asking you.

The Architect

Architect:

Interesting proportions.

Child:

It’s a snowman.

Architect:

The upper sphere is slightly oversized.

Child:

It’s his head.

Architect:

The composition feels top-heavy.

Child:

HE’S A SNOWMAN.

Architect:

And the asymmetrical stick arms—

Child:

DAD!

Snowman Design Review

FUNCTION: SNOWMAN.

FORM: SNOWMAN.

CLIENT: CHILD.

ARCHITECT: OVERTHINKING EVERYTHING.

Child:

Approved.

The Construction Crew

Parent:

Base ready?

Child One:

READY!

Parent:

Middle snowball?

Child Two:

READY!

Parent:

Head?

Child Three:

TOO HEAVY!

Parent:

Everybody lift!

Everyone:

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!

Snowball:

Does not move.

Everyone:

…

Parent:

Again.

Child:

Why did we make it this big?

Parent:

Ambition.

Snowman Construction Status

BASE: COMPLETE.

TORSO: COMPLETE.

HEAD: ON GROUND.

HEAD WEIGHT: RIDICULOUS.

WORKFORCE: EXHAUSTED.

PROJECT COMPLETION: 67%.

Child:

Can we make a smaller head?

Parent:

That’s the first good idea anyone has had.

The Snow Quality Test

Child:

Can we build one?

Parent:

Maybe.

Picks up snow.

Child:

Well?

Parent:

Too powdery.

Child:

But it’s snow.

Parent:

It won’t pack.

Child:

Snow that can’t become a snowman?

Parent:

Correct.

Child:

What’s even the point?

Snow Report

SNOWFALL: 6 INCHES.

SLEDDING QUALITY: EXCELLENT.

SNOWBALL QUALITY: POOR.

SNOWMAN QUALITY: UNACCEPTABLE.

Child:

Worst snow ever.

Skier Somewhere:

BEST SNOW EVER!

Child:

We disagree.

Perfect Packing Snow

Parent:

Try now.

Child:

Packs snowball.

Child:

IT WORKS.

Parent:

Go.

Child:

SNOWMAN MODE ACTIVATED.

Construction Status

PACKABILITY: EXCELLENT.

MOISTURE CONTENT: WHO CARES.

CHILDREN: OUTSIDE.

ADULTS: PUTTING ON BOOTS.

SNOWMAN: INEVITABLE.

The Parent

Child:

Come outside!

Parent:

It’s freezing.

Child:

That’s why there’s snow!

Parent:

I’m comfortable.

Child:

SNOWMAN.

Parent:

Fine.

Five Minutes Later

Parent:

Where are my gloves?

Child:

By the door.

Parent:

Hat?

Child:

Closet.

Parent:

Scarf?

Child:

You’re wearing a fleece sweatshirt.

Parent:

Good point.

Cozy Status

OUTSIDE: FREEZING.

SNOW: EVERYWHERE.

SWEATSHIRT: FLEECE-LINED.

UPPER BODY: COZY.

GLOVES: ON.

HAT: ON.

SOCKS: CURRENTLY DRY.

Parent:

Let’s do this.

Twenty Minutes Later

SOCKS: NO LONGER DRY.

Parent:

How?!

Winter:

Magic.

The Snowball Fight

Friend:

Nice sweatshirt.

You:

Thanks.

Friend:

Emergency Backup Snowball?

You:

Yep.

Friend:

What’s that for?

You:

Emergency.

Friend:

What emergency?

You:

This one.

Throws snowball.

Friend:

OH IT’S ON.

Snowball Fight Status

FIRST SHOT: FIRED.

DIPLOMACY: FAILED.

AMMUNITION: ABUNDANT.

FRIENDSHIP: TEMPORARILY SUSPENDED.

Friend:

YOU STARTED THIS.

You:

SCIENCE STARTED THIS.

Emergency Backup Snowball:

DEPLOYED.

The Snow Fort

Child:

We need walls.

Parent:

Sure.

Child:

And a tower.

Parent:

Okay.

Child:

And tunnels.

Parent:

Maybe.

Child:

And a drawbridge.

Parent:

No.

Child:

And heated floors.

Parent:

It’s made of snow.

Child:

So?

Parent:

Think about that.

Child:

Oh.

Snow Fort Engineering

WALLS: COMPLETE.

TOWER: QUESTIONABLE.

TUNNEL: DENIED BY MANAGEMENT.

DRAWBRIDGE: BUDGET CUT.

HEATED FLOOR: OBVIOUS DESIGN PROBLEM.

Child:

Fine.

The Snow Angel

You:

Watch this.

Falls backward.

Makes snow angel.

Friend:

Nice.

You:

Thanks.

Stands.

Steps backward.

CRUNCH.

Friend:

You just stepped on it.

You:

No.

Friend:

You absolutely did.

You:

Wind damage.

Friend:

There is no wind.

You:

Unexplained meteorological event.

The Winter Festival

Stranger:

Love the sweatshirt.

You:

Thanks.

Stranger:

Snowman Anatomy?

You:

Yep.

Stranger:

Emergency Backup Snowball?

You:

Essential equipment.

Stranger:

Obviously.

You:

Finally, someone gets it.

Winter Festival Status

TEMPERATURE: COLD.

HOT COCOA: HOT.

SWEATSHIRT: COZY.

HOLIDAY LIGHTS: BEAUTIFUL.

SNOWMAN DIAGRAM: STARTING RANDOM CONVERSATIONS.

You:

Successful outing.

The Christmas Party

Friend:

What are you wearing?

You:

Snowman Anatomy.

Friend:

Come closer.

You:

Why?

Friend:

I want to read it.

You:

See?

Educational.

Friend:

Emergency Backup Snowball?

You:

Exactly.

Friend:

Educational was generous.

You:

Educational-ish.

Friend:

I’ll accept that.

Party Status

CHRISTMAS MUSIC: PLAYING.

FOOD: EXCELLENT.

COOKIES: RAPIDLY DISAPPEARING.

HOT COCOA: AVAILABLE.

SWEATSHIRT: COZY.

SIX PEOPLE: CURRENTLY STUDYING SNOWMAN ANATOMY.

Friend:

You’ve created a seminar.

You:

Knowledge spreads.

The Ugly Sweater Party

Host:

Where’s your ugly sweater?

You:

This.

Host:

That’s not ugly.

You:

Thank you.

Host:

You’re supposed to wear something ridiculous.

You:

Points to Emergency Backup Snowball.

Host:

Okay.

You’re in.

Ugly Sweater Competition

FLASHING LIGHT SWEATER: PRESENT.

TINSEL SWEATER: PRESENT.

3D REINDEER SWEATER: PRESENT.

SWEATER WITH ACTUAL BELLS: ANNOYINGLY PRESENT.

SNOWMAN SCIENCE SWEATSHIRT: EDUCATIONAL-ISH.

Judge:

Interesting approach.

You:

Thank you.

The Office Holiday Party

Coworker:

Snowman Anatomy?

You:

Correct.

Coworker:

Is this what you do instead of working?

You:

Snowman research is important.

Coworker:

We work in accounting.

You:

Interdisciplinary research.

Coworker:

Of course.

The Classroom Holiday Party

Student:

Can we watch a movie?

Teacher:

Maybe.

Student:

Can we have cookies?

Teacher:

Yes.

Student:

Can we study snowman anatomy?

Teacher:

Absolutely.

Student:

I was joking.

Teacher:

Too late.

Student:

I have made a terrible mistake.

The Snowman Examination

Teacher:

Question one.

What is the traditional nasal structure of a snowman?

Student:

Carrot.

Teacher:

Correct.

Question two.

Primary ocular material?

Student:

Coal.

Teacher:

Correct.

Question three.

Purpose of Emergency Backup Snowball?

Student:

Nobody knows.

Teacher:

Perfect score.

Student:

YES.

The Science Teacher Gift

Teacher:

You got me a sweatshirt?

Student:

Yep.

Teacher:

Snowman Anatomy.

Student:

Thought it fit.

Teacher:

This is scientifically ridiculous.

Student:

But funny?

Teacher:

Extremely.

Student:

Success.

The Engineer Gift

Engineer:

Emergency Backup Snowball.

You:

Yep.

Engineer:

Redundant system.

You:

Exactly.

Engineer:

Primary component failure protection.

You:

Exactly.

Engineer:

Smart.

You:

You’re taking this seriously.

Engineer:

Redundancy IS serious.

You:

It’s a snowman.

Engineer:

System reliability doesn’t care.

The Biologist Gift

Biologist:

There is so much wrong with this.

You:

That’s why I got it for you.

Biologist:

Snowmen don’t have anatomy.

You:

Keep reading.

Biologist:

Emergency Backup Snowball?

You:

Important.

Biologist:

I hate that I like this.

You:

That’s the desired response.

The Chemist Gift

Chemist:

Snow is frozen H₂O.

You:

Yes.

Chemist:

Coal eyes aren’t organs.

You:

Yes.

Chemist:

A carrot isn’t a nose.

You:

Yes.

Chemist:

This is scientifically indefensible.

You:

Merry Christmas.

Chemist:

I love it.

The Physicist Gift

Physicist:

Technically—

You:

No.

Physicist:

I haven’t said anything yet.

You:

You’re going to discuss melting.

Physicist:

Maybe.

You:

Not at Christmas.

Physicist:

Thermodynamics doesn’t recognize holidays.

You:

This was a mistake.

The Snowman Lover

Friend:

Another snowman thing?

Snowman Lover:

Yes.

Friend:

You have snowman ornaments.

Snowman Lover:

Yes.

Friend:

Snowman mugs.

Snowman Lover:

Yes.

Friend:

Snowman decorations.

Snowman Lover:

Yes.

Friend:

Snowman pillows.

Snowman Lover:

Yes.

Friend:

Now a Snowman Anatomy sweatshirt.

Snowman Lover:

Yes.

Friend:

Do you have enough snowman stuff?

Snowman Lover:

I don’t understand the question.

Collection Status

SNOWMAN ORNAMENTS: MANY.

SNOWMAN FIGURINES: MANY.

SNOWMAN MUGS: MANY.

SNOWMAN DECORATIONS: MANY.

SNOWMAN SWEATSHIRT: ACQUIRED.

COLLECTION COMPLETE: ABSOLUTELY NOT.

Friend:

I expected that.

The Morning After the Snowstorm

You:

Looks outside.

You:

Oh.

Family:

What?

You:

It’s perfect.

Family:

What is?

You:

The snow.

Family:

For what?

You:

Snowman.

Family:

It’s 7 A.M.

You:

SNOW DOESN’T WAIT.

Snow Day Status

TIME: 7:03 A.M.

TEMPERATURE: 24°F.

SNOW DEPTH: EXCELLENT.

SWEATSHIRT: ON.

BOOTS: ON.

GLOVES: ON.

FAMILY ENTHUSIASM: MIXED.

You:

Move.

We have science to do.

The Snowman

BASE: COMPLETE.

TORSO: COMPLETE.

HEAD: COMPLETE.

CARROT: INSTALLED.

COAL EYES: INSTALLED.

STICK ARMS: INSTALLED.

SCARF: INSTALLED.

HAT: INSTALLED.

Child:

Done!

You:

Wait.

Child:

What?

You:

Emergency Backup Snowball.

Child:

Oh yeah.

Parent:

Where does that go?

Everyone:

…

You:

We should have studied the diagram more carefully.

The Neighbor

Neighbor:

Nice snowman.

You:

Thanks.

Neighbor:

Why is there an extra snowball next to him?

You:

Emergency backup.

Neighbor:

Backup for what?

You:

Emergency.

Neighbor:

What emergency?

You:

Nobody knows.

Neighbor:

Okay.

You:

Glad we cleared that up.

The Snowman Competition

Neighbor:

Ours is taller.

You:

Ours has redundancy.

Neighbor:

What?

You:

Emergency Backup Snowball.

Neighbor:

That’s not a thing.

You:

Tell that to science.

Neighbor:

That’s not science.

You:

Sounds like someone’s jealous.

Competitive Status

NEIGHBOR SNOWMAN HEIGHT: 7 FEET.

YOUR SNOWMAN HEIGHT: 5 FEET.

NEIGHBOR SNOWMAN SYMMETRY: EXCELLENT.

YOUR SNOWMAN REDUNDANCY: SUPERIOR.

You:

We win.

Friend:

By what metric?

You:

The important one.

The Lean

You:

He’s leaning.

Friend:

A little.

You:

That’s more than yesterday.

Friend:

You remember yesterday’s angle?

You:

Four degrees.

Friend:

You measured it?

You:

Obviously.

Friend:

You need a hobby.

You:

This IS my hobby.

Structural Analysis

YESTERDAY’S LEAN: 4°.

TODAY’S LEAN: 7°.

FORECAST: CONCERNING.

ENGINEERING TEAM: ASSEMBLED.

Friend:

It’s just us.

You:

Engineering team assembled.

Snowman Repair

Child:

His arm fell off!

Parent:

We’ll fix it.

Child:

Is it serious?

Parent:

No.

Child:

Do we need surgery?

Parent:

Apparently.

Medical Status

PATIENT: SNOWMAN.

LEFT ARM: DETACHED.

BLOOD LOSS: ZERO.

PAIN LEVEL: UNCONFIRMED.

SURGEON: CHILD.

ASSISTANT: PARENT.

QUALIFICATIONS: NONE.

Child:

Stick.

Parent:

Stick.

Child:

Snow.

Parent:

Snow.

Child:

Done.

Parent:

Medical miracle.

The Warm Day

Weather:

Tomorrow’s high: 48°F.

You:

No.

Weather:

Sunny.

You:

NO.

Snowman:

…

You:

I’m sorry.

Snowman:

…

You:

We did everything we could.

Friend:

You built him yesterday.

You:

DON’T MINIMIZE OUR TIME TOGETHER.

Snowman Health Report

TEMPERATURE: RISING.

HEAD: SHRINKING.

CARROT: DROOPING.

BUTTONS: MIGRATING SOUTH.

LEAN: CRITICAL.

EMERGENCY BACKUP SNOWBALL:

You:

THIS IS YOUR MOMENT.

Emergency Backup Snowball:

…

You:

DO SOMETHING.

Friend:

It’s a snowball.

You:

Then why did the diagram make it sound important?!

The Melting Process

Child:

He’s getting smaller.

Parent:

It’s getting warmer.

Child:

Can we save him?

Parent:

Not really.

Child:

Freezer.

Parent:

No.

Child:

FREEZER.

Parent:

He’s enormous.

Child:

Take the food out.

Parent:

I’m not sacrificing the groceries.

Child:

YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT HIM.

Parent:

That’s unfair.

Freezer Proposal

SNOWMAN HEIGHT: 5’2″.

FREEZER HEIGHT: NOT 5’2″.

PLAN FEASIBILITY: TERRIBLE.

CHILD CONFIDENCE: 100%.

Child:

We’ll make him fit.

Parent:

That sounds threatening.

Spring

Friend:

Warm weather!

You:

Don’t.

Friend:

Flowers!

You:

Don’t.

Friend:

Sunshine!

You:

DON’T.

Friend:

What?

You:

We lost a good snowman this year.

Friend:

You’re wearing the sweatshirt in April.

You:

In memoriam.

The Snowman Anatomy Unisex Sweatshirt

A ridiculously cozy and scientifically questionable holiday gift for:

Snowman lovers.

Snowman enthusiasts.

Snowman collectors.

Christmas lovers.

Winter lovers.

Snow lovers.

Snow-day enthusiasts.

Holiday humor fans.

Christmas humor fans.

Winter humor fans.

Science nerds.

STEM nerds.

Anatomy nerds.

Diagram nerds.

Science teachers.

STEM teachers.

Biology teachers.

Chemistry teachers.

Physics teachers.

Anatomy teachers.

Engineering teachers.

Elementary teachers.

Middle school teachers.

High school teachers.

College professors with a sense of humor.

Science students.

STEM students.

Biology students.

Chemistry students.

Physics students.

Engineering students.

Medical students who could use a considerably easier anatomy lesson.

Scientists.

Researchers.

Biologists.

Chemists.

Physicists.

Engineers.

Lab technicians.

Science club members.

Science fair enthusiasts.

People who love labeled diagrams.

People who love fake scientific diagrams.

People who love anatomy illustrations.

People who read every tiny label on novelty graphics.

People fascinated by snowman biology.

People fascinated by carrot-based nasal systems.

People concerned about coal-eye functionality.

People fascinated by stick-arm engineering.

People who understand redundancy.

People who appreciate backup systems.

People who understand the importance of an Emergency Backup Snowball.

People who have absolutely no idea what an Emergency Backup Snowball actually does.

People who don’t need to know.

People who build snowmen.

People who build crooked snowmen.

People who build tiny snowmen.

People who build enormous snowmen.

People who accidentally make the middle snowball too heavy to lift.

People who learn this after rolling it for twenty minutes.

People who recruit the entire family to lift it.

People who eventually make a smaller one.

People who know good snowman snow.

People who understand not all snow packs correctly.

People who have been personally disappointed by powdery snow.

People who spend too long selecting the perfect carrot.

People who spend even longer selecting two appropriately arm-shaped sticks.

People who have improvised because nobody actually keeps coal around.

People whose snowman’s carrot disappeared overnight.

People who suspect rabbits.

People whose snowman’s arm fell off.

People who performed emergency stick-arm surgery.

People whose snowman leaned.

People who insisted the lean added character.

People whose snowman fell over.

People who rebuilt it.

People who became unnecessarily competitive with the neighbor’s snowman.

People who insist the neighbor started it.

People who make snow forts.

People who make snow angels.

People who have stepped on their own snow angel.

People who participate in snowball fights.

People who keep emergency ammunition.

People who come inside with wet gloves.

People who somehow come inside with wet socks.

People who immediately need hot cocoa.

People who love fleece-lined sweatshirts after being outside in the snow.

People who attend winter festivals.

People who attend Christmas parties.

People who attend holiday parties.

People who attend ugly sweater parties.

People who want something funny without wearing a sweater containing actual battery-powered Christmas lights.

People who attend classroom Christmas celebrations.

People who teach during December.

People who know student attention in December is basically theoretical.

People who would absolutely use snowman anatomy to get students interested for five minutes.

People looking for a funny science teacher Christmas gift.

People looking for a STEM teacher Christmas gift.

People looking for a biology teacher gift.

People looking for a chemistry teacher gift.

People looking for a physics teacher gift.

People looking for an engineer Christmas gift.

People looking for a scientist Christmas gift.

People looking for a snowman lover gift.

People looking for a funny snowman gift.

People looking for a snowman gag gift.

People looking for a Christmas gag gift.

People looking for a funny holiday sweatshirt.

People looking for a funny Christmas sweatshirt.

People looking for a winter humor sweatshirt.

People looking for a cozy Christmas pullover.

People looking for a quirky Christmas sweater alternative.

People looking for a science Christmas sweatshirt.

People looking for a STEM Christmas sweatshirt.

People looking for a Christmas diagram sweatshirt.

People looking for a labeled snowman design.

People who enjoy absurd science.

People who enjoy fake science.

People who enjoy real science.

People who understand the difference.

People who still think Snowmanus freezingus sounds legitimate.

And anyone who believes every snowman should come equipped with:

CARROT NOSE.

COAL EYES.

STICK ARMS.

HAT.

SCARF.

BUTTONS THAT BUTTON ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

and…

ONE EMERGENCY BACKUP SNOWBALL.

Because responsible snowman engineering demands redundancy.

Snowman Anatomy Winter Status Report

SWEATSHIRT: ON.

FLEECE INTERIOR: COZY.

FIT: COMFORTABLE.

OUTSIDE TEMPERATURE: FREEZING.

INSIDE SWEATSHIRT: TOASTY.

SNOW: FALLING.

SNOW DEPTH: INCREASING.

SNOWMAN CONSTRUCTION: AUTHORIZED.

BASE SNOWBALL: ROLLING.

BASE SNOWBALL: GETTING HEAVY.

BASE SNOWBALL: NOW RIDICULOUSLY HEAVY.

TORSO SNOWBALL: COMPLETE.

ATTEMPT TO LIFT: FAILED.

SECOND ATTEMPT: FAILED.

THIRD ATTEMPT WITH HELP: SUCCESS.

HEAD: INSTALLED.

CARROT NOSE: INSTALLED.

COAL EYES: INSTALLED.

STICK ARMS: INSTALLED.

BUTTONS: INSTALLED.

SHIRT FOR BUTTONS: STILL ABSENT.

HAT: INSTALLED.

SCARF: INSTALLED.

PHYSICS TEACHER: OBJECTING TO SCARF.

PHYSICS TEACHER: IGNORED.

SNOWMAN: COMPLETE.

STRUCTURAL LEAN: 3°.

ENGINEER: CONCERNED.

CHILD: NOT CONCERNED.

PARENT: WANTS TO GO INSIDE.

GLOVES: WET.

SOCKS: MYSTERIOUSLY WET.

HOT COCOA: REQUIRED.

SNOWBALL FIGHT: INITIATED.

FRIENDSHIP: TEMPORARILY SUSPENDED.

EMERGENCY BACKUP SNOWBALL: DEPLOYED.

ACTUAL PURPOSE: FINALLY ESTABLISHED.

NEIGHBOR SNOWMAN: TALLER.

YOUR SNOWMAN: HAS BETTER REDUNDANCY.

COMPETITION RESULT: YOU DECLARE VICTORY.

WEATHER TOMORROW: 46°F.

SNOWMAN: CONCERNED.

WEATHER NEXT DAY: 51°F.

SNOWMAN: EXTREMELY CONCERNED.

CARROT ANGLE: INCREASINGLY SAD.

BUTTON POSITION: DECLINING.

STRUCTURAL INTEGRITY: FAILING.

CHILD: PROPOSING FREEZER.

PARENT: DENYING FREEZER REQUEST.

THERMODYNAMICS: WINNING.

SCIENCE: ACCURATE FOR ONCE.

SCIENTIFIC ACCURACY OF SHIRT: STILL QUESTIONABLE.

COMEDIC VALUE: HIGH.

COZY VALUE: HIGH.

HOLIDAY SPIRIT: MAXIMUM.

CURRENT STATUS: FROSTY FACTS MEET COZY LAUGHS.

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