Business Goose – Unisex T-Shirt – Funny Penguin Office – Corporate Humor

SUIT: PRESSED.

TIE: STRAIGHT.

BRIEFCASE: READY.

MEETING: SCHEDULED.

SPREADSHEET: OPEN.

COFFEE: ACQUIRED.

QUALIFICATIONS: UNVERIFIED.

SPECIES: PENGUIN.

EMPLOYEE BADGE: BUSINESS GOOSE.

HR: NOT ANSWERING QUESTIONS.

Please welcome our newest executive.

He’s experienced.

He’s professional.

He’s results-driven.

He’s a natural leader.

He understands synergy.

He knows how to leverage scalable solutions.

He delivers actionable insights.

And he’s…

a penguin.

BUSINESS GOOSE.

No.

Penguin.

BUSINESS GOOSE.

We can literally see—

BUSINESS. GOOSE.

Fine.

The Business Goose Unisex T-Shirt celebrates one of the fundamental truths of corporate life:

Eventually, something stops making sense…

and everyone just goes with it.

Featuring a sharply dressed penguin beneath the extremely confident title BUSINESS GOOSE, this absurd office shirt is perfect for corporate workers, managers, accountants, programmers, remote employees, teachers, consultants, spreadsheet survivors, meeting attendees, penguin lovers, animal-humor fans, and anyone who has spent enough time in an organization to understand that confidence frequently outranks accuracy.

Is he a goose?

No.

Is he employed?

Apparently.

Did anyone check his résumé?

No.

Does he have management experience?

Nobody knows.

Why does he have a briefcase?

Confidential.

What exactly is inside the briefcase?

Probably fish.

But look at the suit.

THE GOOSE MEANS BUSINESS.

Why You’ll Love It:

• The Joke Is That It’s a Penguin – Yes, we know. You know. The penguin probably knows. That’s the entire point.
• Professionally Incorrect – Nothing captures workplace absurdity quite like confidently labeling a penguin “Business Goose.”
• Perfect Corporate Humor – Great for meetings, casual Fridays, conferences, office parties, cubicles, break rooms, and pretending to understand quarterly strategy.
• Maximum Business Energy – Suit? Check. Tie? Check. Briefcase? Check. Correct species identification? Apparently optional.
• Instant Conversation Starter – Someone will inevitably tell you, “That’s a penguin.” Congratulations. The system works.
• Made for Workplace Survivors – Ideal for anyone navigating deadlines, spreadsheets, corporate jargon, performance reviews, and meetings that mysteriously generate additional meetings.
• Great Coworker Gift – Perfect for office friends, bosses, managers, accountants, programmers, remote workers, penguin fans, and professionally exhausted humans.

Monday Morning

Manager:

Everyone, I’d like you to meet our new regional director.

Employee:

Sir…

that’s a penguin.

Manager:

Business Goose.

Employee:

But—

Manager:

BUSINESS GOOSE.

Employee:

Okay.

Manager:

Any questions?

Employee:

Several.

Manager:

Excellent.

Please save them until the end.

Employee:

When is the end?

Manager:

We’re not sure.

Meeting Status

TIME: 8:00 A.M.

COFFEE: INSUFFICIENT.

REGIONAL DIRECTOR: PENGUIN.

OFFICIAL TITLE: BUSINESS GOOSE.

EMPLOYEE CONFUSION: HIGH.

Business Goose:

Honk.

Employee:

THAT DOESN’T HELP.

The Employee Badge

NAME: BUSINESS GOOSE

TITLE: SENIOR REGIONAL STRATEGIC OPERATIONS MANAGER

DEPARTMENT: BUSINESS

SPECIES: GOOSE

Employee:

This badge is wrong.

HR:

Which part?

Employee:

Species.

HR:

Looks correct.

Employee:

THAT IS CLEARLY A PENGUIN.

HR:

Do you have documentation?

Employee:

Documentation?

LOOK AT HIM.

HR:

Visual identification isn’t part of our verification process.

Employee:

What IS part of your verification process?

HR:

Forms.

Employee:

Of course.

HR Status

COMPLAINT: SUBMITTED.

TICKET NUMBER: 84729.

ESTIMATED RESPONSE TIME: 6–8 BUSINESS DAYS.

BUSINESS GOOSE: STILL PENGUIN.

The Résumé

Hiring Manager:

Impressive résumé.

Employee:

Can I see it?

Hiring Manager:

Certainly.

Employee:

This just says “BUSINESS” twelve times.

Hiring Manager:

Consistency.

Employee:

Under education it says “GOOSE.”

Hiring Manager:

Prestigious institution.

Employee:

Under experience it says “FISH.”

Hiring Manager:

Industry specific.

Employee:

You didn’t read this before hiring him, did you?

Hiring Manager:

Look at that suit.

Employee:

That’s not a qualification.

Hiring Manager:

Executive presence.

Hiring Status

RÉSUMÉ: QUESTIONABLE.

REFERENCES: NONE.

EXPERIENCE: FISH.

SUIT: EXCELLENT.

HIRED: IMMEDIATELY.

The Interview

Interviewer:

Tell us about yourself.

Business Goose:

…

Interviewer:

Excellent listening skills.

Business Goose:

…

Interviewer:

Where do you see yourself in five years?

Business Goose:

…

Interviewer:

Strategic thinker.

Business Goose:

Honk.

Interviewer:

Powerful.

Employee:

What interview are you watching?

Interviewer:

Executive material.

Interview Status

COMMUNICATION: MINIMAL.

CONFIDENCE: IMPLIED.

LEADERSHIP POTENTIAL: APPARENTLY HIGH.

SPECIES CHECK: SKIPPED.

The First Day

Coworker:

Welcome aboard.

Business Goose:

Honk.

Coworker:

Let me show you around.

Break room.

Conference room.

Copy machine.

Restrooms.

Your office.

Business Goose walks toward refrigerator.

Coworker:

That’s the refrigerator.

Business Goose:

…

Coworker:

Your office is this way.

Business Goose continues toward refrigerator.

Coworker:

There’s fish in there, isn’t there?

Business Goose:

Honk.

Coworker:

Fine.

Five minutes.

Onboarding Status

PAPERWORK: INCOMPLETE.

EMAIL: CREATED.

BADGE: INCORRECT.

REFRIGERATOR: LOCATED IMMEDIATELY.

The Email Address

IT:

We’ve created his account.

Employee:

What’s the email?

IT:

business.goose@—

Employee:

Stop.

IT:

Problem?

Employee:

That’s a penguin.

IT:

The request form said goose.

Employee:

Did you LOOK at him?

IT:

We don’t override submitted data.

Employee:

Nobody in this company does, apparently.

IT Status

ACCOUNT: ACTIVE.

PASSWORD: TEMPORARY.

SPECIES ERROR: PERMANENT.

The Org Chart

Employee:

Why is Business Goose above me?

Manager:

He’s a director.

Employee:

He started Tuesday.

Manager:

Strong performer.

Employee:

He spent Wednesday staring into the break-room refrigerator.

Manager:

Market research.

Employee:

He ate three fish.

Manager:

Competitive analysis.

Employee:

He slept during Thursday’s meeting.

Manager:

Executive listening.

Employee:

I hate this place.

Organizational Status

BUSINESS GOOSE: DIRECTOR.

YOU: STILL ASSOCIATE.

EXPLANATION: CORPORATE.

The Morning Meeting

Manager:

Let’s go around the room.

Updates?

Employee One:

Finished the quarterly report.

Manager:

Great.

Employee Two:

Closed two major accounts.

Manager:

Excellent.

Employee Three:

Reduced operating costs by 12%.

Manager:

Fantastic.

Business Goose?

Business Goose:

Honk.

Manager:

Outstanding.

Employee One:

What did he report?

Manager:

Strategic initiatives.

Employee One:

He said “honk.”

Manager:

You need to listen more carefully.

Meeting Status

REPORTS: DELIVERED.

METRICS: REVIEWED.

HONK: ACTIONABLE.

The Meeting That Could Have Been an Email

Manager:

Thanks for joining.

Employee:

What’s the meeting about?

Manager:

Communication.

Employee:

Okay.

Manager:

Specifically, improving communication.

Employee:

Could this have been an email?

Manager:

We’ll discuss that.

Employee:

In this meeting?

Manager:

Correct.

Employee:

Why?

Manager:

Communication.

Business Goose:

Honk.

Employee:

Finally someone makes sense.

Meeting Status

ATTENDEES: 14.

DURATION: 60 MINUTES.

INFORMATION COMMUNICATED: 3 SENTENCES.

BUSINESS GOOSE CONTRIBUTION: HONK.

BEST CONTRIBUTION: BUSINESS GOOSE.

The Meeting About the Meeting

Manager:

Let’s schedule a follow-up.

Employee:

Why?

Manager:

To discuss today’s meeting.

Employee:

We just discussed it.

Manager:

But we need alignment.

Employee:

We’re aligned.

Manager:

How do we know?

Employee:

Because everyone wants to leave.

Business Goose:

Honk.

Employee:

See?

Unanimous.

Corporate Alignment Status

TEAM: ALIGNED.

ALIGNMENT TOPIC: LEAVING.

FOLLOW-UP MEETING: SCHEDULED ANYWAY.

The Agenda

Employee:

What’s today’s agenda?

Manager:

We’ll establish the agenda during the meeting.

Employee:

Then what’s this document?

Manager:

Agenda planning framework.

Employee:

For creating the agenda?

Manager:

Correct.

Employee:

So we’re meeting to decide what we’re meeting about?

Manager:

Now you’re getting it.

Employee:

I wish I wasn’t.

Business Goose:

Honk.

Employee:

Exactly.

The Conference Room

Manager:

Can everyone see my screen?

Employee One:

Yes.

Employee Two:

No.

Employee Three:

Your screen is black.

Manager:

One second.

Employee Four:

You’re sharing the wrong window.

Manager:

One second.

Business Goose:

Honk.

Manager:

There.

Employee:

Now we can see your email.

Manager:

Wrong screen.

Employee:

We can see everything.

Manager:

STOP LOOKING.

Video Meeting Status

SCREEN SHARING: FAILED.

CONFIDENTIALITY: COMPROMISED.

BUSINESS GOOSE: SILENTLY JUDGING.

The PowerPoint

Presenter:

As you can see on slide 47—

Employee:

Forty-seven?

Presenter:

We’re almost halfway.

Employee:

HALFWAY?

Presenter:

Please hold questions.

Business Goose:

Honk.

Presenter:

Excellent point.

Employee:

WHAT POINT?

Presenter:

We’ll cover that on slide 83.

Presentation Status

SLIDES: 103.

ATTENTION SPAN: 12.

ESCAPE OPTIONS: ZERO.

BUSINESS GOOSE: SOMEHOW ENGAGED.

The Spreadsheet

Accountant:

Who changed the spreadsheet?

Silence.

Accountant:

WHO.

CHANGED.

THE.

SPREADSHEET.

Business Goose:

Honk.

Accountant:

Was it you?

Business Goose:

…

Accountant:

Column G is completely broken.

Business Goose:

…

Accountant:

You know what?

I don’t even care anymore.

Spreadsheet Status

FORMULAS: BROKEN.

FORMATTING: CHAOTIC.

BACKUP: HOPEFULLY.

CULPRIT: POSSIBLY GOOSE.

Accountant:

Nobody touch anything.

Business Goose slowly reaches toward keyboard.

Accountant:

DON’T.

The Excel Expert

Coworker:

How did you do that?

Accountant:

Pivot table.

Coworker:

Magic.

Accountant:

Not magic.

Coworker:

Looks like magic.

Business Goose:

Honk.

Accountant:

Thank you.

Finally some professional recognition.

Excel Status

ROWS: 18,472.

COLUMNS: TOO MANY.

PIVOT TABLE: WORKING.

ACCOUNTANT: TEMPORARILY POWERFUL.

The Printer

Employee:

Why isn’t it printing?

IT:

Did you select the correct printer?

Employee:

Yes.

IT:

Which one?

Employee:

Office Printer.

IT:

We have six called Office Printer.

Employee:

WHY?

IT:

Legacy naming convention.

Employee:

Can you fix it?

IT:

That would require a project.

Employee:

Of course it would.

Business Goose:

Honk.

Printer Status

DOCUMENT: READY.

PRINTER: OFFLINE.

OTHER PRINTER: JAMMED.

THIRD PRINTER: MYSTERIOUSLY PRINTING 400 PAGES.

BUSINESS GOOSE: UNCONCERNED.

The Copier

Employee:

It’s jammed.

Coworker:

Again?

Employee:

Yep.

Coworker:

Did you open tray two?

Employee:

I’m afraid.

Coworker:

Why?

Employee:

Last time there were springs.

Coworker:

There should not be springs.

Employee:

I KNOW.

Office Equipment Status

COPIER: HOSTILE.

EMPLOYEES: AFRAID.

BUSINESS GOOSE: MANAGEMENT.

The Coffee Machine

Employee:

Coffee machine’s broken.

Entire Office:

WHAT?

Manager:

Remain calm.

Employee:

HOW?

Manager:

We have instant coffee.

Entire Office:

NO.

Business Goose:

Honk.

Employee:

Even he knows that’s unacceptable.

Emergency Status

COFFEE: OFFLINE.

PRODUCTIVITY: COLLAPSING.

MORALE: CRITICAL.

BUSINESS GOOSE: DEMANDING ACTION.

The Break Room

Coworker:

Whose lunch is this?

Employee:

Mine.

Coworker:

Why is Business Goose staring at it?

Employee:

Tuna sandwich.

Coworker:

Oh.

Employee:

Business Goose.

No.

Business Goose:

…

Employee:

Don’t.

Business Goose:

…

Employee:

I mean it.

Employee turns away.

Coworker:

It’s gone.

Employee:

I hate this company.

Lunch Status

SANDWICH: MISSING.

BUSINESS GOOSE: SATISFIED.

HR COMPLAINT: PENDING.

HR:

Do you have evidence?

Employee:

HE’S HOLDING THE WRAPPER.

HR:

Circumstantial.

The Refrigerator

Sign:

PLEASE LABEL YOUR FOOD.

Employee labels container.

SARAH – DO NOT EAT

Business Goose:

…

Employee:

You can read that, right?

Business Goose:

…

Employee:

Right?

Next Morning

Container: gone.

Employee:

BUSINESS GOOSE.

Business Goose:

Honk.

Employee:

I KNOW IT WAS YOU.

Refrigerator Status

FOOD: LABELED.

BOUNDARIES: CLEAR.

BOUNDARIES RESPECTED: NO.

The Casual Friday

Employee:

Finally.

Casual Friday.

Business Goose enters in full suit.

Employee:

You know you can dress casually today?

Business Goose:

…

Employee:

No tie required.

Business Goose adjusts tie.

Employee:

Suit yourself.

Silence.

Employee:

…

Coworker:

Did you just—

Employee:

I regret it already.

Dad Joke Status

CASUAL FRIDAY: ACTIVE.

BUSINESS GOOSE: STILL FORMAL.

PUN: UNAVOIDABLE.

The Dress Code

HR:

Business casual.

Employee:

Define business casual.

HR:

Professional but relaxed.

Employee:

Define relaxed.

HR:

Appropriate.

Employee:

Define appropriate.

HR:

Use your judgment.

Employee:

That seems dangerous.

Business Goose walks by in suit.

HR:

Like that.

Employee:

HE’S A PENGUIN.

HR:

Very professional penguin.

Employee:

You finally admitted it!

HR:

I said nothing.

HR Status

SPECIES ACKNOWLEDGMENT: POSSIBLY CAPTURED.

WITNESSES: TWO.

HR: DENIES EVERYTHING.

The Performance Review

Manager:

Business Goose, excellent year.

Employee:

What?

Manager:

Exceeded expectations.

Employee:

HOW?

Manager:

Strong leadership.

Employee:

He ate my lunch.

Manager:

Resource acquisition.

Employee:

He slept through meetings.

Manager:

Delegation.

Employee:

He knocked over the copier.

Manager:

Process disruption.

Employee:

He bit Kevin.

Manager:

Conflict management.

Employee:

THAT’S THE OPPOSITE.

Performance Status

RATING: EXCEEDS EXPECTATIONS.

EMPLOYEE OF THE YEAR: BUSINESS GOOSE.

KEVIN: STILL UPSET.

Kevin:

I needed stitches.

Manager:

Growth opportunity.

Kevin:

I quit.

The Promotion

Manager:

Congratulations.

Employee:

Finally!

Manager:

Not you.

Employee:

Oh.

Manager:

Business Goose.

Employee:

HE’S BEEN HERE THREE MONTHS.

Manager:

Leadership sees potential.

Employee:

He can’t use Outlook.

Manager:

Executives don’t need Outlook.

Employee:

What do they use?

Manager:

Assistants.

Employee:

I made terrible career choices.

Promotion Status

BUSINESS GOOSE: VICE PRESIDENT.

YOU: STILL WAITING.

LOGIC: NOT FOUND.

The Executive Floor

Receptionist:

Can I help you?

Employee:

I’m here to see Business Goose.

Receptionist:

Do you have an appointment?

Employee:

He’s a penguin.

Receptionist:

That’s not what I asked.

Employee:

Sorry.

Yes.

Receptionist:

Have a seat.

Employee:

This company broke me.

Executive Status

OFFICE: CORNER.

VIEW: EXCELLENT.

DESK: MAHOGANY-ISH.

BUSINESS GOOSE: THRIVING.

The Corner Office

Employee:

How did he get the corner office?

Manager:

Seniority.

Employee:

I’ve been here eleven years.

Manager:

Executive seniority.

Employee:

He’s been here fourteen weeks.

Manager:

It’s complicated.

Employee:

It really isn’t.

Business Goose gazes dramatically through window.

Employee:

Okay.

He does look executive.

Manager:

Exactly.

The Corporate Headshot

Photographer:

Chin slightly up.

Business Goose:

…

Photographer:

Perfect.

Now confident.

Business Goose:

…

Photographer:

Excellent.

Now approachable.

Business Goose:

…

Photographer:

Amazing range.

Employee:

HE HASN’T MOVED.

Photographer:

Natural talent.

Headshot Status

POSE ONE: PENGUIN.

POSE TWO: PENGUIN.

POSE THREE: BUSINESS PENGUIN.

OFFICIAL LABEL: BUSINESS GOOSE.

The LinkedIn Profile

BUSINESS GOOSE

Vice President of Strategic Goose Operations

Visionary Leader | Innovator | Disruptor | Thought Leader | Penguin

Employee:

Wait.

It says penguin!

Manager:

Where?

Employee:

At the end.

Manager:

Probably a typo.

Employee:

THE PENGUIN PART IS THE TYPO?!

LinkedIn Status

CONNECTIONS: 500+.

ENDORSEMENTS: MANY.

ACTUAL SKILLS: UNKNOWN.

The Inspirational Post

Business Goose:

I’m humbled to announce that I’ve accepted a new opportunity.

Employee:

He can type?!

Business Goose:

After an incredible journey, I’m excited to begin this next chapter.

Employee:

Who wrote this?

Business Goose:

Success isn’t about titles. It’s about people.

Employee:

YOU STOLE MY TUNA.

Post Status

LIKES: 4,800.

COMMENTS: “WELL DESERVED!”

EMPLOYEE: FURIOUS.

The Thought Leadership Article

Title:

Five Lessons Leadership Taught Me About Honking Into Uncertainty

Employee:

No.

Manager:

It’s trending.

Employee:

NO.

Manager:

Business Goose is building his personal brand.

Employee:

He is a penguin.

Manager:

Please stop focusing on labels.

Employee:

THE SHIRT STARTED IT.

Thought Leadership Status

INSIGHTS: FIVE.

SUBSTANCE: QUESTIONABLE.

ENGAGEMENT: EXCELLENT.

The Corporate Jargon Meeting

Consultant:

We need to leverage our core competencies.

Employee:

Okay.

Consultant:

While optimizing cross-functional synergies.

Employee:

Uh-huh.

Consultant:

To create scalable, customer-centric solutions.

Employee:

Right.

Consultant:

Through disruptive ideation.

Employee:

What does any of that mean?

Consultant:

Business Goose?

Business Goose:

Honk.

Consultant:

Exactly.

Employee:

I’m losing my mind.

Jargon Status

WORDS: MANY.

MEANING: UNCLEAR.

CONFIDENCE: EXTREME.

The Synergy

Manager:

We need more synergy.

Employee:

What specifically?

Manager:

Synergy.

Employee:

Between what?

Manager:

Teams.

Employee:

Doing what?

Manager:

Collaborating.

Employee:

On what?

Manager:

Synergy.

Employee:

We’ve completed the circle.

Business Goose:

Honk.

Manager:

Exactly.

Synergy Status

SYNERGY: REQUESTED.

DEFINITION: MISSING.

BUSINESS GOOSE: APPROVES.

The Consultant

Consultant:

I’ve identified the problem.

Employee:

Great.

Consultant:

Communication.

Employee:

We already knew that.

Consultant:

Excellent.

Employee:

How much are we paying you?

Consultant:

I’d prefer not to say.

Employee:

Why?

Consultant:

Communication.

Employee:

I walked into that.

Business Goose:

Honk.

Consulting Status

PROBLEM: IDENTIFIED.

SOLUTION: ANOTHER WORKSHOP.

INVOICE: ENORMOUS.

The Team-Building Exercise

Facilitator:

Everyone pair up.

Employee:

No.

Facilitator:

This will be fun.

Employee:

That makes me trust it less.

Facilitator:

We’re going to practice trust falls.

Employee looks at Business Goose.

Employee:

Absolutely not.

Facilitator:

Why?

Employee:

Look at his arms.

Facilitator:

Wings.

Employee:

THANK YOU.

Someone identified him correctly.

Business Goose:

Honk.

Team Building Status

TRUST: LOW.

FALLING: DECLINED.

SPECIES ACCURACY: BRIEFLY RESTORED.

The Icebreaker

Facilitator:

Tell us an interesting fact about yourself.

Employee:

I hate icebreakers.

Facilitator:

That’s not a fact.

Employee:

It’s objectively true.

Facilitator:

Business Goose?

Business Goose:

Honk.

Facilitator:

Fascinating.

Employee:

YOU ACCEPT THAT?

Icebreaker Status

TEAM MEMBERS: 12.

INTERESTING FACTS: 4.

UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCES: 8.

BUSINESS GOOSE: WINNING.

The Corporate Retreat

Manager:

Welcome to our annual retreat.

Employee:

Why are we in the woods?

Manager:

To reconnect.

Employee:

With what?

Manager:

Our values.

Employee:

Could we reconnect somewhere with Wi-Fi?

Business Goose:

Honk.

Employee:

He agrees.

Retreat Status

LOCATION: REMOTE.

CELL SERVICE: NONE.

TEAM MORALE: DECLINING.

BUSINESS GOOSE: ENJOYING NEARBY POND.

The Mission Statement

Manager:

We need a new mission statement.

Employee:

Why?

Manager:

Our old one no longer reflects who we are.

Employee:

What was it?

Manager:

“Delivering excellence through innovation.”

Employee:

What do we actually do?

Manager:

That’s not the point.

Business Goose:

Honk.

Employee:

Make that the mission statement.

Proposed Mission:

HONK.

Manager:

Concise.

Employee:

Finally.

The Company Values

INTEGRITY.

INNOVATION.

COLLABORATION.

EXCELLENCE.

GOOSE.

Employee:

One of these doesn’t belong.

Manager:

Which one?

Employee:

I don’t even know anymore.

Corporate Values Status

POSTER: PRINTED.

WALL: DECORATED.

EMPLOYEES: UNAWARE OF WHAT ANYTHING MEANS.

The Quarterly Goals

Manager:

Q1 priorities.

Growth.

Employee:

Okay.

Manager:

Efficiency.

Employee:

Sure.

Manager:

Innovation.

Employee:

Fine.

Manager:

Goose.

Employee:

There it is.

Manager:

Problem?

Employee:

No.

I’ve stopped fighting.

Quarterly Status

REVENUE: TARGETED.

EFFICIENCY: TARGETED.

GOOSE: ACHIEVED.

The KPI Dashboard

Employee:

What’s this metric?

Manager:

Goose Engagement.

Employee:

What’s Goose Engagement?

Manager:

Engagement with Business Goose.

Employee:

Why are we measuring that?

Manager:

It’s a KPI.

Employee:

Why?

Manager:

Because we’re measuring it.

Employee:

That’s circular logic.

Manager:

The dashboard is green.

Employee:

Of course it is.

KPI Status

METRIC: GREEN.

UNDERSTANDING: RED.

The Quarterly Business Review

Executive:

Revenue?

CFO:

Up.

Executive:

Costs?

CFO:

Down.

Executive:

Retention?

HR:

Stable.

Executive:

Goose?

Business Goose:

Honk.

Executive:

Excellent quarter.

Employee:

This company is unbelievable.

Quarterly Status

NUMBERS: POSITIVE.

GOOSE: POSITIVE.

QUESTIONS: DISCOURAGED.

The Budget

Manager:

We need to reduce expenses.

Employee:

Okay.

Manager:

No more office snacks.

Employee:

Fine.

Manager:

Reduce travel.

Employee:

Fine.

Manager:

Cancel software subscriptions.

Employee:

Which ones?

Manager:

Useful ones.

Employee:

Of course.

Employee:

What about Business Goose’s executive fish budget?

Manager:

Essential expenditure.

Employee:

I knew you’d say that.

Budget Status

SNACKS: CUT.

TRAVEL: CUT.

SOFTWARE: CUT.

FISH: PROTECTED.

The Accountant

Accountant:

There’s a $4,700 fish expense.

Manager:

Business Goose.

Accountant:

That’s all the explanation I get?

Manager:

Yes.

Accountant:

What account should I put it under?

Manager:

Business development.

Accountant:

I’m going home.

Expense Status

FISH: $4,700.

BUSINESS PURPOSE: APPARENTLY.

RECEIPTS: INCOMPLETE.

The Expense Report

Finance:

Business Goose submitted an expense report.

Employee:

He can do that?

Finance:

Apparently.

Employee:

What’s on it?

Finance:

Fish.

Taxi.

Hotel.

Fish.

Conference.

Fish.

Employee:

Seems consistent.

Finance:

I’m approving it.

Employee:

Why?

Finance:

I don’t want another meeting.

Finance Status

DOCUMENTATION: WEAK.

DESIRE TO INVESTIGATE: WEAKER.

The Programmer

Developer:

Who changed production?

Silence.

Developer:

WHO PUSHED TO PRODUCTION?

Business Goose:

Honk.

Developer:

You?

Business Goose:

…

Developer:

Do you even have repository access?

IT:

He’s an admin.

Developer:

WHY IS BUSINESS GOOSE AN ADMIN?

IT:

Executive request.

Developer:

I’m going to scream.

Production Status

DEPLOYMENT: FRIDAY.

ERRORS: MANY.

ROLLBACK: IN PROGRESS.

BUSINESS GOOSE: ADMIN.

Developer:

Never deploy on Friday.

Business Goose:

Honk.

Developer:

NOW YOU TELL ME.

The Bug Ticket

Ticket:

Issue: Button doesn’t work.

Developer:

Which button?

Ticket:

The button.

Developer:

What page?

Ticket:

Website.

Developer:

Which website?

Ticket:

Company website.

Developer:

Steps to reproduce?

Ticket:

Click button.

Developer:

Who submitted this?

Business Goose.

Developer:

Of course.

Ticket Status

PRIORITY: URGENT.

DETAILS: NONE.

SCREENSHOT: PENGUIN FOOT.

Developer:

Actually, that’s kind of adorable.

The Remote Worker

Manager:

Camera on, please.

Employee:

Why?

Manager:

Engagement.

Employee:

I’m engaged.

Manager:

We need to see you.

Employee turns camera on.

Manager:

Thank you.

Business Goose joins with camera off.

Employee:

What about him?

Manager:

Executive exemption.

Employee:

Of course.

Remote Work Status

CAMERA: ON.

PANTS: UNCONFIRMED.

BUSINESS GOOSE: PRIVILEGED.

The Video Call

Manager:

Business Goose, you’re muted.

Business Goose:

…

Manager:

Still muted.

Business Goose:

…

Employee:

Maybe leave him muted.

Manager:

Business Goose?

Business Goose un-mutes.

Business Goose:

HONK.

Manager:

Great point.

Employee:

WHY DO YOU KEEP SAYING THAT?

The Work-From-Home Office

Partner:

How was work?

You:

Business Goose got promoted.

Partner:

The penguin?

You:

Thank you.

Partner:

What?

You:

You called him a penguin.

Partner:

Because he’s a penguin.

You:

I needed to hear that.

Partner:

Are you okay?

You:

No.

Home Status

WORKDAY: COMPLETE.

SANITY: PARTIAL.

SPECIES REALITY: RESTORED.

The Slack Channel

Employee:

@business-goose can you approve this?

Business Goose:

:fish:

Employee:

Is that yes?

Coworker:

Probably.

Employee:

I need actual approval.

Business Goose:

:fish: :fish:

Coworker:

Looks more confident.

Employee:

Approved.

Communication Status

WORDS: ZERO.

FISH EMOJIS: TWO.

DECISION: ASSUMED.

The Out-of-Office Message

Thank you for your email.

I am currently out of the office with limited access to fish.

For urgent matters, please contact management.

Employee:

Limited access to fish?

Manager:

He’s traveling.

Employee:

Where?

Manager:

Antarctica.

Employee:

Business trip?

Manager:

Networking.

Employee:

Of course.

Travel Status

DESTINATION: ANTARCTICA.

PURPOSE: BUSINESS.

SPECIES: BECOMING INCREASINGLY OBVIOUS.

The Conference

Attendee:

What company are you with?

Business Goose:

Honk.

Attendee:

Interesting.

What industry?

Business Goose:

Honk.

Attendee:

Consulting?

Business Goose:

…

Attendee:

Finance?

Business Goose:

…

Attendee:

Tech?

Business Goose:

Honk.

Attendee:

Tech.

Got it.

Conference Status

NETWORKING: SUCCESSFUL.

INFORMATION EXCHANGED: NONE.

LINKEDIN CONNECTIONS: +47.

The Networking Event

Professional:

What do you do?

You:

Operations.

You?

Professional:

Marketing.

You:

Nice.

Professional:

Who’s your friend?

You:

Business Goose.

Professional:

That’s a penguin.

You:

I used to say that.

Professional:

Used to?

You:

Eventually you get tired.

Professional:

Understandable.

Workplace Conditioning Status

DAY 1: “THAT’S A PENGUIN.”

DAY 30: “BUSINESS GOOSE.”

DAY 90: NO QUESTIONS.

The Conference Badge

BUSINESS GOOSE

KEYNOTE SPEAKER

Employee:

KEYNOTE?!

Manager:

He’s an industry thought leader.

Employee:

WHAT INDUSTRY?

Manager:

Business.

Employee:

That’s not an industry!

Manager:

Tell that to the conference.

Keynote Status

AUDIENCE: 2,000.

STAGE: READY.

SPEAKER: PENGUIN.

The Keynote

Business Goose walks onstage.

Audience applauds.

Business Goose:

Honk.

Audience:

Silence.

Business Goose:

Honk.

Audience member starts clapping.

Entire audience applauds.

Employee:

Unbelievable.

Keynote Status

DURATION: 14 SECONDS.

STANDING OVATION: YES.

TAKEAWAY: UNCLEAR.

SOCIAL MEDIA BUZZ: MASSIVE.

The Leadership Book

HONK YOUR WAY TO THE TOP

By Business Goose

Employee:

He wrote a book?

Manager:

Bestseller.

Employee:

What’s in it?

Manager:

Leadership principles.

Employee opens book.

Page One:

HONK.

Employee turns page.

Page Two:

HONK.

Employee:

You’ve got to be kidding.

Book Status

PAGES: 247.

WORDS: ONE.

SALES: MILLIONS.

Employee:

I went to college for nothing.

The Motivational Seminar

Speaker:

Believe in yourself!

Employee:

Okay.

Speaker:

Take risks!

Employee:

Sure.

Speaker:

Be bold!

Employee:

Fine.

Speaker:

Think like Business Goose!

Employee:

I’m leaving.

Speaker:

Where are you going?

Employee:

To rethink every career decision I’ve ever made.

The Leadership Philosophy

Manager:

What can we learn from Business Goose?

Employee:

That nobody checks anything?

Manager:

No.

Employee:

That suits create authority?

Manager:

No.

Employee:

That confidence beats accuracy?

Manager:

…

Employee:

That was it, wasn’t it?

Manager:

Next slide.

Leadership Status

LESSON: UNCOMFORTABLY CLEAR.

The Annual Review

Manager:

What are your goals next year?

Employee:

Promotion.

Manager:

Good.

Employee:

Higher salary.

Manager:

Reasonable.

Employee:

More responsibility.

Manager:

Excellent.

Employee:

And I want Business Goose’s job.

Manager:

Ambitious.

Employee:

What qualifications do I need?

Manager:

Do you own a suit?

Employee:

Yes.

Manager:

Can you honk?

Employee:

…

Manager:

We’ll work on it.

Career Development Status

SKILLS GAP: HONKING.

TRAINING PLAN: DISTURBING.

The Employee of the Month

Announcement:

Congratulations to this month’s Employee of the Month…

Employee:

Please not—

Announcement:

BUSINESS GOOSE.

Employee:

Of course.

Coworker:

What did he do?

Employee:

Nobody knows.

Coworker:

Then why did he win?

Employee:

Leadership.

Coworker:

What does that mean?

Employee:

Nobody knows.

Award Status

PHOTO: BUSINESS GOOSE.

PLAQUE: BUSINESS GOOSE.

PARKING SPACE: BUSINESS GOOSE.

EMPLOYEE MORALE: LOW.

The Parking Space

Employee:

He doesn’t drive!

Manager:

Executive perk.

Employee:

HE WADDLES TO WORK.

Manager:

Healthy commute.

Employee:

THEN GIVE ME THE SPACE.

Manager:

Policy.

Employee:

I’M UPDATING MY RÉSUMÉ.

The Office Party

Coworker:

Business Goose is here.

Employee:

Of course.

Coworker:

He’s wearing a bow tie.

Employee:

He normally wears a tie.

Coworker:

This is festive.

Employee:

I hate that you’re right.

Party Status

MUSIC: PLAYING.

SNACKS: AVAILABLE.

BUSINESS GOOSE: FORMAL-FESTIVE.

EMPLOYEE: ACCEPTING REALITY.

The Secret Santa

Employee:

Who did Business Goose get?

Coworker:

Kevin.

Employee:

The guy he bit?

Coworker:

Yep.

Employee:

What did he buy him?

Coworker:

Fish.

Employee:

That’s for himself.

Coworker:

Probably.

Kevin:

I still don’t trust him.

Gift Exchange Status

GIFT: FISH.

RECIPIENT: KEVIN.

ACTUAL BENEFICIARY: BUSINESS GOOSE.

The Coworker Gift

Recipient:

Business Goose?

You:

Yep.

Recipient:

But that’s a penguin.

You:

Correct.

Recipient:

And it says goose.

You:

Correct.

Recipient:

That’s so stupid.

You:

You’re laughing.

Recipient:

Because it’s incredibly stupid.

You:

Exactly.

Gift Status

JOKE: UNDERSTOOD.

SPECIES: INCORRECT.

LAUGH: ACHIEVED.

The Accountant Gift

Accountant:

Why did you buy me this?

You:

Because you’re professional.

Accountant:

Okay.

You:

And you like penguins.

Accountant:

True.

You:

And corporate life has destroyed your expectations of logical consistency.

Accountant:

…

You:

Too much?

Accountant:

No.

Perfect.

The Programmer Gift

Programmer:

That’s a penguin.

You:

Yes.

Programmer:

Label says goose.

You:

Yes.

Programmer:

Type mismatch.

You:

Exactly.

Programmer:

This would never compile.

You:

Corporate production doesn’t care.

Programmer:

Now I love it.

Developer Status

EXPECTED TYPE: GOOSE.

ACTUAL TYPE: PENGUIN.

VALIDATION: DISABLED.

DEPLOYED TO PRODUCTION: YES.

Programmer:

Terrifyingly realistic.

The Manager Gift

Manager:

Is this making fun of management?

Employee:

No.

Manager:

Are you sure?

Employee:

Absolutely.

Manager:

Why are you smiling?

Employee:

Team morale.

Manager:

Hmm.

Business Goose:

Honk.

Employee:

Exactly.

The Boss

Boss:

Who’s Business Goose?

Employee:

You don’t know?

Boss:

No.

Employee:

He’s vice president.

Boss:

Of what?

Employee:

I was hoping you knew.

Boss:

Who hired him?

Employee:

We were hoping you knew that too.

Both look at Business Goose.

Business Goose:

Honk.

Boss:

Promote him.

Employee:

HOW DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING?

The CEO

Board Member:

We need new leadership.

Board Member Two:

Agreed.

Board Member Three:

Someone decisive.

Board Member Four:

Someone professional.

Board Member Five:

Someone with vision.

Door opens.

Business Goose enters.

Employee:

No.

Board:

Perfect.

Employee:

NO.

CEO Status

PREVIOUS TITLE: VICE PRESIDENT.

NEW TITLE: CEO.

TIME AT COMPANY: SOMEHOW IRRELEVANT.

Employee:

I’m done.

The Company Announcement

We are pleased to announce Business Goose as our new Chief Executive Officer.

Employee:

Penguin.

Announcement:

His proven leadership—

Employee:

PENGUIN.

Announcement:

—and commitment to innovation—

Employee:

PENGUIN.

Announcement:

—will guide us into our next chapter.

Employee:

…

Coworker:

You okay?

Employee:

Business Goose.

Coworker:

There it is.

Acceptance Status

DENIAL: COMPLETE.

ANGER: COMPLETE.

BARGAINING: COMPLETE.

ACCEPTANCE: BUSINESS GOOSE.

The Board Meeting

Board Member:

Revenue is down.

Business Goose:

Honk.

Board Member:

Strong point.

CFO:

Expenses are up.

Business Goose:

Honk.

Board Member:

Agreed.

COO:

We need restructuring.

Business Goose:

Honk.

Board:

Brilliant.

Employee outside door:

THIS IS HOW THE COMPANY IS RUN?

Assistant:

Please keep your voice down.

Board Status

STRATEGY: HONK.

VOTE: UNANIMOUS.

SHAREHOLDERS: SOMEHOW PLEASED.

The Five-Year Strategy

Analyst:

What’s the five-year strategy?

Business Goose:

Fish.

Analyst:

I’m sorry?

Business Goose:

Fish.

Analyst:

That’s the first actual word you’ve said.

Business Goose:

Fish.

Analyst:

Can someone explain?

Manager:

Diversification.

Analyst:

Into fish?

Manager:

Apparently.

Strategic Plan

YEAR ONE: FISH.

YEAR TWO: MORE FISH.

YEAR THREE: SYNERGY.

YEAR FOUR: GLOBAL FISH.

YEAR FIVE: GOOSE.

Analyst:

This is insane.

Investor:

I like it.

The Investor Call

Investor:

Can you discuss guidance?

Business Goose:

Honk.

Investor:

Interesting.

Another Investor:

What about margins?

Business Goose:

Honk.

Investor:

Very disciplined.

Employee:

ARE WE HEARING THE SAME CALL?

Market Status

GUIDANCE: HONK.

SHARE PRICE: +8%.

ANALYSTS: IMPRESSED.

EMPLOYEE: SPEECHLESS.

The Corporate Rebrand

Agency:

We’ve refreshed the company identity.

Employee:

What changed?

Agency:

New logo.

Employee:

Looks the same.

Agency:

New font.

Employee:

Looks the same.

Agency:

New color palette.

Employee:

Looks the same.

Agency:

New brand positioning.

Employee:

What’s that?

Agency:

Business Goose.

Employee:

How much did this cost?

Agency:

$800,000.

Employee:

I’m going to lie down.

Rebrand Status

LOGO: SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT.

FONT: ALMOST IDENTICAL.

INVOICE: TERRIFYING.

GOOSE: STRATEGIC.

The Merger

Manager:

We’re merging.

Employee:

With whom?

Manager:

Goose Industries.

Employee:

Of course.

Manager:

This creates powerful synergies.

Employee:

Of course.

Manager:

Business Goose will oversee integration.

Employee:

OF COURSE.

Merger Status

COMPANIES: TWO.

GOOSES: UNCLEAR.

PENGUINS: AT LEAST ONE.

The Corporate Ladder

INTERN.

ASSOCIATE.

SENIOR ASSOCIATE.

MANAGER.

DIRECTOR.

VICE PRESIDENT.

SENIOR VICE PRESIDENT.

EXECUTIVE VICE PRESIDENT.

CEO.

BUSINESS GOOSE.

Employee:

Wait.

Business Goose is ABOVE CEO?

HR:

Updated structure.

Employee:

I’m not asking anymore.

Career Status

LADDER: CLIMBED.

CEILING: BROKEN.

SPECIES: STILL WRONG.

The Retirement Party

Employee:

After 35 years…

I’m retiring.

Coworker:

Congratulations.

Employee:

Thank you.

Coworker:

Any regrets?

Employee looks across room.

Business Goose:

Honk.

Employee:

One.

Coworker:

You never got over it?

Employee:

THAT’S A PENGUIN.

Coworker:

There he is.

Retirement Status

CAREER: COMPLETE.

PENSION: READY.

SPECIES DISPUTE: UNRESOLVED.

The New Employee

New Hire:

Who’s that?

Retiring Employee:

Business Goose.

New Hire:

That’s a penguin.

Retiring Employee:

Grabs New Hire by shoulders.

Retiring Employee:

Never stop saying that.

New Hire:

What?

Retiring Employee:

Promise me.

New Hire:

Okay?

Retiring Employee:

Good.

There’s still hope.

Legacy Status

TORCH: PASSED.

TRUTH: PRESERVED.

BUSINESS GOOSE: WATCHING.

The Business Goose Unisex T-Shirt

Perfect for:

Office workers.

Corporate employees.

Managers.

Bosses.

Accountants.

Programmers.

Developers.

IT workers.

Engineers.

Consultants.

Analysts.

Remote workers.

Work-from-home employees.

Teachers.

Administrators.

Project managers.

Product managers.

Human Resources professionals with a sense of humor.

People who work in cubicles.

People who escaped cubicles.

People who miss cubicles because remote work has somehow created more meetings.

People who attend meetings.

People who schedule meetings.

People who hate meetings.

People who attend meetings about other meetings.

People who have received an invitation with no agenda.

People who have joined a call and asked:

“What is this meeting about?”

People who have heard:

“We’ll cover that shortly.”

People who immediately knew they were doomed.

People who have said:

“This could have been an email.”

People who have thought it but remained muted.

People who have accidentally spoken while muted.

People who wish they’d been muted.

People who have watched someone struggle with screen sharing.

People who have watched someone share the wrong screen.

People who have watched a 103-slide presentation.

People who have survived team-building exercises.

People who have survived corporate retreats.

People who have survived performance reviews.

People who have survived reorganizations.

People who have survived mergers.

People who have survived consultants.

People who have survived “synergy.”

People who have survived “alignment.”

People who have survived “circle back.”

People who have survived “touch base.”

People who have survived “actionable insights.”

People who have survived “low-hanging fruit.”

People who have survived “moving the needle.”

People who have survived “thinking outside the box.”

People who would like the box returned.

People who use spreadsheets.

People who fear spreadsheets.

People who create pivot tables.

People who consider pivot tables wizardry.

People who work with printers.

People who hate printers.

So…

everyone who works with printers.

People who understand that corporate confidence and corporate accuracy are occasionally unrelated.

Penguin lovers.

Animal lovers.

Absurd-humor fans.

Dry-humor fans.

Nonsense-humor fans.

People who laugh at confidently incorrect labels.

People who enjoy jokes that require absolutely no explanation once you notice them.

People who immediately say:

“That’s a penguin.”

People who then read:

“Business Goose.”

People who stare for two seconds.

People who start laughing.

People looking for a funny office shirt.

People looking for a coworker gift.

People looking for a funny boss gift.

People looking for a programmer gift.

People looking for an accountant gift.

People looking for a corporate humor shirt.

People looking for a penguin shirt.

People looking for an absurd animal shirt.

And anyone who has worked in an organization long enough to know exactly how this happened.

Someone submitted the wrong information.

Nobody checked.

The request got approved.

The badge was printed.

IT created the account.

HR processed the paperwork.

Management signed off.

The org chart was updated.

Nobody wanted to reopen the ticket.

And now…

there’s a penguin in a suit running regional operations under the name:

BUSINESS GOOSE.

Is it correct?

No.

Is it official?

Yes.

Can we change it?

Technically.

Will changing it require six meetings, three approval forms, an IT ticket, HR authorization, executive sign-off, and a 90-day implementation plan?

Yes.

Then forget it.

BUSINESS GOOSE IT IS.

Business Goose Final Corporate Status Report

EMPLOYEE: BUSINESS GOOSE.

ACTUAL SPECIES: PENGUIN.

OFFICIAL SPECIES: GOOSE.

DISCREPANCY: OBVIOUS.

CORRECTION REQUEST: SUBMITTED.

TICKET STATUS: PENDING.

ESTIMATED RESOLUTION: NEVER.

SUIT: PRESSED.

TIE: STRAIGHT.

BRIEFCASE: READY.

BRIEFCASE CONTENTS: CLASSIFIED.

PROBABLE CONTENTS: FISH.

RÉSUMÉ: QUESTIONABLE.

REFERENCES: NOT CHECKED.

BACKGROUND CHECK: APPARENTLY NOT.

INTERVIEW: SUCCESSFUL.

ONBOARDING: COMPLETE-ISH.

EMAIL ACCOUNT: ACTIVE.

BADGE: WRONG.

HR: UNCONCERNED.

IT: FOLLOWING THE FORM.

MANAGER: IMPRESSED.

COWORKERS: CONFUSED.

BREAK ROOM: LOCATED.

REFRIGERATOR: MONITORED.

TUNA SANDWICH: MISSING.

BUSINESS GOOSE: SUSPICIOUSLY FULL.

MONDAY: ARRIVED.

COFFEE: REQUIRED.

MEETING: SCHEDULED.

AGENDA: MISSING.

FOLLOW-UP MEETING: ALREADY SCHEDULED.

MEETING ABOUT FOLLOW-UP MEETING: PROBABLE.

POWERPOINT: 103 SLIDES.

SPREADSHEET: OPEN.

FORMULAS: BROKEN.

PRINTER: JAMMED.

COPIER: HOSTILE.

SYNERGY: REQUESTED.

ALIGNMENT: REQUESTED.

ACTIONABLE INSIGHTS: REQUESTED.

MEANING: UNCLEAR.

CORPORATE JARGON: MAXIMUM.

BUSINESS GOOSE: HONKS.

MANAGEMENT: IMPRESSED.

PERFORMANCE REVIEW: EXCEEDS EXPECTATIONS.

PROMOTION: APPROVED.

EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH: BUSINESS GOOSE.

DIRECTOR: BUSINESS GOOSE.

VICE PRESIDENT: BUSINESS GOOSE.

KEYNOTE SPEAKER: BUSINESS GOOSE.

THOUGHT LEADER: BUSINESS GOOSE.

CEO: BUSINESS GOOSE.

FIVE-YEAR STRATEGY: FISH.

BOARD APPROVAL: UNANIMOUS.

STOCK PRICE: SOMEHOW UP.

EMPLOYEE CONFUSION: PERMANENT.

CORPORATE LOGIC: OFFLINE.

ACCURACY: OPTIONAL.

CONFIDENCE: MANDATORY.

PENGUIN: STILL PENGUIN.

GOOSE: STILL NOT GOOSE.

OFFICIAL COMPANY POSITION: BUSINESS GOOSE.

FURTHER QUESTIONS: PLEASE DIRECT TO MANAGEMENT.

MANAGEMENT: BUSINESS GOOSE.

CURRENT STATUS: PROFESSIONALLY INCORRECT.

Tags: Business Goose Shirt, Business Goose T-Shirt, Business Penguin Shirt, Funny Penguin Shirt, Penguin Humor Shirt, Funny Office Shirt, Office Humor T-Shirt, Corporate Humor Shirt, Workplace Humor Shirt, Funny Coworker Gift, Programmer Humor Shirt, Accountant Humor Shirt, Manager Gift, Penguin Lover Gift, Absurd Humor Shirt, Funny Animal Shirt

 

This heavy cotton tee has the classic cotton look and feel. Casual elegance will make it an instant favorite in everyone’s wardrobe.

.: Classic fit

.: 100% Cotton (fibre content may vary for different colors)

.: Light fabric (5.3 oz/yd² (180 g/m²))

.: Tear away label

.: Runs true to size

 

	S	M	L	XL	2XL	3XL	4XL	5XL
Width, in	18.00	20.00	22.00	24.00	26.00	28.00	30.00	32.00
Length, in	28.00	29.00	30.00	31.00	32.00	33.00	34.00	35.00
Sleeve length (from center back), in	15.10	16.50	18.00	19.50	21.00	22.40	23.70	25.00
Size tolerance, in	1.50	1.50	1.50	1.50	1.50	1.50	1.50	1.50

 

Weight	N/A