Buy Local Coffee, Or Don’t, Whatever – Unisex T-Shirt – Funny Sarcastic

COFFEE: LOCAL.

BEANS: FRESH.

CAFÉ: INDEPENDENT.

BARISTA: TALENTED.

LATTE ART: IMPRESSIVE.

COMMUNITY: SUPPORTED.

ENTHUSIASM: MODERATE AT BEST.

BUY LOCAL COFFEE.

OR DON’T.

WHATEVER.

Look.

Buying coffee from your neighborhood café is great.

Independent businesses?

Great.

Local roasters?

Great.

Freshly roasted beans?

Fantastic.

Knowing your barista by name?

Wonderful.

Supporting people in your community instead of some faceless corporate caffeine machine?

Excellent.

You should totally do it.

Probably.

If you want.

We’re not going to chase you down the street about it.

The Buy Local Coffee, Or Don’t, Whatever Unisex T-Shirt combines the familiar look of a coffee-shop-style logo with possibly the least motivated call to action ever printed on apparel.

BUY LOCAL COFFEE.

Strong opening.

Clear message.

Community minded.

Passionate.

Inspirational.

Then:

OR DON’T, WHATEVER.

And there goes the entire marketing campaign.

Perfect for coffee lovers, baristas, café regulars, local roasters, espresso enthusiasts, coffee snobs, caffeine-dependent coworkers, small-business supporters, and anyone whose personality could best be described as:

“I care.

Just not enough to argue with you.”

It’s coffee advocacy for people who don’t have the emotional bandwidth for actual advocacy.

Buy local coffee.

It’s delicious.

It supports independent businesses.

It keeps money in your community.

And your neighborhood barista already knows your order.

But ultimately?

You’re an adult.

Make your own decisions.

WHATEVER.

Why You’ll Love It:

• Perfectly Sarcastic Coffee Saying – Begins as enthusiastic support for local coffee and immediately loses interest halfway through.
• Made for Coffee Lovers – Ideal for anyone whose personality doesn’t fully load until caffeine has entered the system.
• Independent Coffee Shop Energy – Great for neighborhood café regulars, local roaster fans, and people who know exactly where to find the good coffee.
• Barista Humor Approved-ish – Perfect for coffee professionals who can discuss extraction ratios for twenty minutes but have stopped trying to convince everyone to care.
• Coffee Snob Friendly – Espresso, pour-over, French press, AeroPress, cold brew, single-origin—you have opinions. Strong ones. Whether anyone requested them is another matter.
• Parody Café Style – Coffee-shop-inspired branding gives the design the look of earnest café merchandise until the message completely gives up.
• Great Gift for Caffeine People – Perfect for baristas, café workers, coffee nerds, coworkers, teachers, remote workers, local-business supporters, and chronically under-caffeinated humans.

The Marketing Meeting

Manager:

We need a slogan.

Employee:

Buy Local Coffee.

Manager:

Good.

Strong.

Community focused.

Keep going.

Employee:

Or Don’t.

Manager:

Wait.

Employee:

Whatever.

Manager:

No.

Go back.

Employee:

To what?

Manager:

Before you stopped caring.

Employee:

That’s going to be difficult.

Marketing Status

BRAND MESSAGE: POSITIVE.

COMMUNITY SUPPORT: STRONG.

CALL TO ACTION: PRESENT.

CONVICTION: COLLAPSING.

Manager:

We need enthusiasm.

Employee:

Sounds exhausting.

The Final Campaign

BUY LOCAL COFFEE!

Manager:

Excellent.

SUPPORT YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD CAFÉ!

Manager:

Yes!

HELP SMALL BUSINESSES THRIVE!

Manager:

YES!

OR DON’T.

Manager:

Wait.

WHATEVER.

Manager:

DAMMIT.

Campaign Status

FIRST 75%: INSPIRING.

FINAL 25%: EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE.

The Local Coffee Shop

Barista:

Welcome!

First time here?

Customer:

Yep.

Barista:

We roast locally.

Customer:

Nice.

Barista:

Small batches.

Customer:

Cool.

Barista:

Ethically sourced beans.

Customer:

Great.

Barista:

Want to hear about today’s single origin?

Customer:

Sure.

Barista:

Actually…

how much time do you have?

Customer:

Not much.

Barista:

Coffee?

Customer:

Coffee.

Barista:

Excellent.

Café Status

BEANS: LOCAL.

COFFEE: FRESH.

CUSTOMER: CAFFEINE DEFICIENT.

EDUCATIONAL LECTURE: POSTPONED.

Customer:

Thank you.

Barista:

I know my audience.

The Regular

Barista:

Morning.

Regular:

Morning.

Barista:

The usual?

Regular:

Please.

Barista:

Already started.

Regular:

You’re a hero.

Barista:

It’s coffee.

Regular:

Same thing before 8 a.m.

Regular Customer Status

ORDER: KNOWN.

NAME: KNOWN.

PAYMENT METHOD: PROBABLY KNOWN.

DEPENDENCE ON THIS ESTABLISHMENT: SIGNIFICANT.

Regular:

See you tomorrow.

Barista:

Obviously.

The Chain Coffee Suggestion

Friend:

There’s a coffee place right there.

You:

Chain.

Friend:

So?

You:

There’s a local café two blocks away.

Friend:

Two blocks?

You:

Yep.

Friend:

Walk?

You:

Yep.

Friend:

It’s raining.

You:

…

Friend:

Still supporting local?

You:

How hard is it raining?

Friend:

Pretty hard.

You:

Okay, principles have limits.

Local Coffee Status

SUPPORT: STRONG.

RAIN TOLERANCE: WEAK.

CAFFEINE NEED: URGENT.

Friend:

Whatever?

You:

Whatever.

The Coffee Snob

Friend:

Coffee?

Coffee Snob:

What kind?

Friend:

Coffee.

Coffee Snob:

Yes.

What kind?

Friend:

Regular.

Coffee Snob:

That’s not a kind.

Friend:

Brown.

Hot.

Coffee.

Coffee Snob:

Origin?

Friend:

Kitchen.

Coffee Snob:

Bean origin.

Friend:

Bag.

Coffee Snob:

Processing method?

Friend:

I pushed a button.

Coffee Snob:

I need to leave.

Coffee Status

CAFFEINE: PRESENT.

TASTE: ACCEPTABLE.

COFFEE SNOB: HORRIFIED.

NORMAL PERSON: COMPLETELY SATISFIED.

Friend:

Want some?

Coffee Snob:

No.

Friend:

Whatever.

The Single-Origin Conversation

Barista:

This is a single-origin coffee.

Customer:

Cool.

Barista:

You may notice floral notes.

Customer:

Okay.

Barista:

Citrus acidity.

Customer:

Okay.

Barista:

A subtle honey sweetness.

Customer:

Interesting.

Barista:

What do you taste?

Customer:

Coffee.

Barista:

…

Customer:

Good coffee.

Barista:

I’ll take it.

Tasting Notes

BARISTA DETECTS: CITRUS.

ROASTER DETECTS: HONEY.

COFFEE EXPERT DETECTS: JASMINE.

YOU DETECT: COFFEE.

You:

And I like it.

Everyone:

Fair.

The Pour-Over

Friend:

Why does making your coffee take six minutes?

Coffee Nerd:

Precision.

Friend:

You have a coffee maker.

Coffee Nerd:

This is better.

Friend:

You heat water separately.

Coffee Nerd:

Correct.

Friend:

Weigh the beans.

Coffee Nerd:

Correct.

Friend:

Grind them.

Coffee Nerd:

Correct.

Friend:

Weigh the water.

Coffee Nerd:

Correct.

Friend:

Use a timer.

Coffee Nerd:

Correct.

Friend:

For one cup?

Coffee Nerd:

Correct.

Friend:

You need hobbies.

Coffee Nerd:

This is the hobby.

Pour-Over Status

BEANS: WEIGHED.

WATER: WEIGHED.

GRIND: DIALED IN.

TIMER: RUNNING.

NORMAL PERSON: ALREADY FINISHED THEIR COFFEE.

Friend:

Worth it?

Coffee Nerd:

Absolutely.

Friend:

Whatever.

The French Press

Friend:

How long does it steep?

Coffee Person:

Four minutes.

Friend:

Exactly?

Coffee Person:

Approximately.

Friend:

You set a timer.

Coffee Person:

Yes.

Friend:

That’s not approximately.

Coffee Person:

Coffee requires standards.

Friend:

You ate cereal for dinner.

Coffee Person:

Different department.

The Espresso Person

Friend:

It’s tiny.

Espresso Fan:

It’s espresso.

Friend:

That’s the whole coffee?

Espresso Fan:

Yes.

Friend:

Two sips.

Espresso Fan:

They’re powerful sips.

Friend:

I want a giant mug.

Espresso Fan:

You don’t understand espresso.

Friend:

I understand volume.

Espresso Status

SIZE: SMALL.

INTENSITY: LARGE.

CAFFEINE DELIVERY: EFFICIENT.

Friend:

I’ll take two.

Espresso Fan:

Now you’re learning.

The Double Shot

Barista:

Single or double?

Customer:

What day is it?

Barista:

Monday.

Customer:

Why are you even asking?

Barista:

Double.

Customer:

Thank you.

Monday Status

DAY: MONDAY.

ENERGY: LOW.

MOTIVATION: LOWER.

ESPRESSO: DOUBLE.

SMALL TALK: DELAYED.

The Cold Brew

Friend:

That’s a lot of coffee.

You:

Cold brew.

Friend:

You’ve been drinking it quickly.

You:

Yep.

Friend:

Do you know how much caffeine is in there?

You:

Not exactly.

Friend:

Maybe slow down.

You:

I CAN HEAR COLORS.

Friend:

Slow down.

Cold Brew Status

TEMPERATURE: COLD.

CAFFEINE: AGGRESSIVE.

CONFIDENCE: UNREASONABLY HIGH.

You:

I can accomplish anything.

Friend:

Start by drinking water.

The Latte

Barista:

Latte?

Customer:

Yes.

Barista:

Any flavor?

Customer:

Vanilla.

Coffee Snob nearby:

Scoffs.

Customer:

Problem?

Coffee Snob:

Nothing.

Customer:

Say it.

Coffee Snob:

Coffee shouldn’t need syrup.

Customer:

Good news.

It’s not your coffee.

Coffee Snob:

Fair.

Customer:

WHATEVER.

Latte Status

ESPRESSO: PRESENT.

MILK: PRESENT.

VANILLA: PRESENT.

UNSOLICITED OPINION: REJECTED.

The Cappuccino Argument

Friend One:

That’s a latte.

Friend Two:

Cappuccino.

Friend One:

Too much milk.

Friend Two:

You’re wrong.

Friend One:

Foam ratio.

Friend Two:

Don’t start.

Friend Three:

I ordered tea.

Both:

GET OUT.

Café Debate Status

COFFEE: COOLING.

FRIENDSHIP: TESTED.

IMPORTANCE OF ARGUMENT: MINIMAL.

INTENSITY OF ARGUMENT: EXTREME.

The Coffee Grinder

Partner:

Why do we need another grinder?

Coffee Nerd:

Burr consistency.

Partner:

We own a grinder.

Coffee Nerd:

Blade grinder.

Partner:

It grinds coffee.

Coffee Nerd:

Technically.

Partner:

What does that mean?

Coffee Nerd:

How much time do you have?

Partner:

Never mind.

Equipment Status

COFFEE MAKER: OWNED.

GRINDER: OWNED.

KETTLE: OWNED.

SCALE: OWNED.

SPECIALIZED EQUIPMENT: MULTIPLYING.

Partner:

This used to be a beverage.

Coffee Nerd:

It’s a lifestyle.

Partner:

That’s what I’m afraid of.

The Bean Purchase

Clerk:

Whole bean or ground?

Coffee Nerd:

Whole bean.

Friend:

Why?

Coffee Nerd:

Freshness.

Friend:

They’ll grind it here.

Coffee Nerd:

No.

Friend:

Why not?

Coffee Nerd:

I have my grind setting dialed in.

Friend:

I regret coming with you.

Coffee Nerd:

We’re just getting started.

Friend:

That’s what I was afraid of.

The Roast Debate

Friend:

Light roast.

Other Friend:

Dark roast.

Friend:

Light.

Other Friend:

Dark.

Friend:

You can taste the origin better.

Other Friend:

I want my coffee to taste like coffee.

Friend:

It DOES taste like coffee.

Other Friend:

Then why did you say blueberries?

Friend:

TASTING NOTES.

Other Friend:

There are no blueberries in it?

Friend:

NO.

Other Friend:

Coffee people are exhausting.

Roast Status

LIGHT ROAST FAN: PASSIONATE.

DARK ROAST FAN: PASSIONATE.

MEDIUM ROAST FAN: QUIETLY DRINKING COFFEE.

Medium Roast Fan:

You two done?

Both:

NO.

The Local Roaster

Roaster:

We roasted these yesterday.

Coffee Fan:

Nice.

Roaster:

Small batch.

Coffee Fan:

Nice.

Roaster:

Want to smell them?

Coffee Fan:

Absolutely.

Friend:

They’re beans.

Coffee Fan:

You don’t understand.

Friend:

I really don’t.

Coffee Fan:

That’s okay.

Friend:

That was surprisingly nonjudgmental.

Coffee Fan:

I haven’t had my coffee yet.

The Coffee Shop Loyalty Card

Barista:

One more stamp and your next drink is free.

Customer:

Seriously?

Barista:

Yep.

Customer:

This is the greatest day of my life.

Barista:

That’s concerning.

Customer:

Don’t diminish this.

Loyalty Status

COFFEES PURCHASED: MANY.

FREE COFFEE: IMMINENT.

CUSTOMER LOYALTY: COMPLETELY PURCHASED WITH CARDBOARD STAMPS.

Customer:

Capitalism has never felt so rewarding.

The Regular’s Order

New Barista:

What can I get started?

Regular:

Large—

Other Barista:

I’ve got it.

New Barista:

You know the order?

Other Barista:

Every day.

Regular:

I’m consistent.

Other Barista:

You have a problem.

Regular:

You benefit financially from my problem.

Other Barista:

Excellent point.

Regular Status

ORDER: MEMORIZED.

FREQUENCY: DAILY.

DENIAL: STRONG.

The Name Problem

Barista:

Name?

Customer:

Chris.

Barista:

Writes “Kris.”

Customer:

Close enough.

Friend:

You’re not correcting it?

Customer:

Coffee is coming.

That’s all that matters.

Coffee Cup Status

NAME: TECHNICALLY INCORRECT.

BEVERAGE: TECHNICALLY CORRECT.

PRIORITIES: HEALTHY.

The Complicated Order

Customer:

Can I get a half-caf oat milk vanilla latte with an extra shot, half the syrup, extra hot, light foam—

Barista:

Yep.

Customer:

You got all that?

Barista:

Yep.

Customer:

That’s impressive.

Barista:

You are not even close to the most complicated order today.

Customer:

Really?

Barista:

Not even top ten.

Barista Status

ORDERS HEARD: EVERYTHING.

SURPRISE CAPACITY: DEPLETED.

The Extra-Hot Order

Customer:

Extra hot.

Barista:

Sure.

Customer:

Really extra hot.

Barista:

Okay.

Customer:

Like extremely hot.

Barista:

Do you want coffee or magma?

Customer:

Somewhere between.

Barista:

Finally, useful information.

The Decaf

Customer:

Decaf.

Friend:

What’s the point?

Customer:

I like coffee.

Friend:

But no caffeine?

Customer:

Correct.

Friend:

I don’t understand.

Customer:

You don’t have to.

Friend:

Fair.

Shirt:

OR DON’T, WHATEVER.

Customer:

Exactly.

Coffee Freedom Status

ESPRESSO: VALID.

LATTE: VALID.

DECAF: VALID.

POUR-OVER: VALID.

INSTANT: WE’RE TRYING VERY HARD TO REMAIN NONJUDGMENTAL.

Instant Coffee Drinker:

You said valid.

Coffee Snob:

I said I’m trying.

The Office Coffee

Coworker:

Fresh pot.

You:

Who made it?

Coworker:

Dave.

You:

How strong?

Coworker:

Dave strong.

You:

What’s Dave strong?

Coworker:

You could stand a spoon in it.

You:

Perfect.

Office Coffee Status

ORIGIN: UNKNOWN.

ROAST DATE: UNKNOWN.

BREW RATIO: CHAOTIC.

CAFFEINE: PRESENT.

EMPLOYEES: FUNCTIONING.

You:

Good enough.

The Office Coffee Snob

Coworker:

You drink that?

You:

Office coffee?

Coworker:

Yes.

You:

Free.

Coworker:

But it’s terrible.

You:

FREE.

Coworker:

I bring my own beans.

You:

Of course you do.

Coworker:

Freshly ground.

You:

Of course.

Coworker:

Hand brewed.

You:

I knew that was coming.

Coworker:

Want some?

You:

Actually, yes.

Coworker:

Welcome.

The Teacher

Student:

You drink a lot of coffee.

Teacher:

Correct.

Student:

Why?

Teacher:

Looks around classroom.

Student:

Oh.

Teacher:

Any other questions?

Student:

No.

Teacher:

Excellent.

Teacher Status

CLASS: 8:00 A.M.

STUDENTS: MANY.

COFFEE: ESSENTIAL.

PATIENCE: CAFFEINE DEPENDENT.

The Remote Worker

Coworker on video:

You’re muted.

You:

Sips coffee.

Coworker:

Still muted.

You:

Sips coffee.

Coworker:

Are you going to unmute?

You:

Not until this works.

Coworker:

Fair.

Remote Work Status

LAPTOP: ON.

CAMERA: ON.

MICROPHONE: OFF.

COFFEE: ON.

HUMAN INTERACTION: PENDING CAFFEINE.

The 7 A.M. Meeting

Boss:

Good morning, everyone!

You:

Debatable.

Boss:

Lots of energy today!

You:

Where?

Boss:

Exciting agenda.

You:

Coffee.

Boss:

We’re going to brainstorm.

You:

Coffee.

Boss:

Any initial thoughts?

You:

Coffee.

Boss:

Let’s give everyone five minutes.

You:

Best management decision you’ve ever made.

Meeting Status

TIME: OFFENSIVE.

COFFEE: REQUIRED.

BRAINSTORM: DELAYED.

The Morning Person

Morning Person:

GOOD MORNING!

You:

Why are you yelling?

Morning Person:

Beautiful day!

You:

It’s 6:45.

Morning Person:

I’ve already worked out!

You:

I haven’t opened both eyes.

Morning Person:

Want to go for a run?

You:

I want coffee.

Morning Person:

After?

You:

Let’s not get ambitious.

Morning Status

MORNING PERSON: 100%.

YOU: 12%.

COFFEE: LOADING.

You:

Check back at 63%.

The First Sip

SIP ONE:

Okay.

SIP TWO:

Better.

SIP THREE:

I can probably answer email.

SIP FOUR:

Maybe humanity isn’t terrible.

SIP FIVE:

Let’s not get carried away.

Caffeine Status

PERSONALITY: LOADING.

PATIENCE: RESTORING.

SOCIAL SKILLS: PARTIALLY ONLINE.

The Morning Checklist

Wake up.

Question why alarm clocks exist.

Stare at ceiling.

Negotiate with reality.

Lose negotiation.

Get up.

Find coffee.

Make coffee.

Forget where you put coffee.

Find coffee again.

Drink coffee.

Remember your name.

Remember your responsibilities.

Consider ignoring responsibilities.

Drink more coffee.

Become approximately functional.

Support local business.

Maybe.

BUY LOCAL COFFEE.

It’s good.

OR DON’T.

You’re an adult.

WHATEVER.

The Café Regular

Friend:

You come here every day?

You:

Almost.

Friend:

They know your name?

You:

Yep.

Friend:

Your order?

You:

Yep.

Friend:

Your usual table?

You:

Yep.

Friend:

That’s basically your second home.

You:

Except they make better coffee.

Friend:

And charge you.

You:

My first home also charges me.

Friend:

Fair point.

Neighborhood Café Status

BARISTA: KNOWS YOU.

ORDER: MEMORIZED.

TABLE: PREFERRED.

WIFI PASSWORD: KNOWN.

CUSTOMER STATUS: BASICALLY FURNITURE.

The Small Business Supporter

Friend:

You really try to shop local?

You:

When I can.

Friend:

Coffee?

You:

Local.

Friend:

Bakery?

You:

Local.

Friend:

Bookstore?

You:

Local.

Friend:

Everything?

You:

No.

Friend:

Why not?

You:

Because real life exists.

Friend:

Reasonable.

You:

See?

No lecture required.

Support Local Status

INTENTION: GOOD.

EFFORT: REASONABLE.

PERFECTION: NOT REQUIRED.

GUILT TRIP: CANCELLED.

Shirt:

Whatever.

The Overly Enthusiastic Advocate

Person:

YOU HAVE TO BUY LOCAL COFFEE.

You:

I do.

Person:

EVERY DAY.

You:

Usually.

Person:

NO EXCUSES.

You:

Okay, you’ve made it weird.

Person:

SUPPORT YOUR COMMUNITY!

You:

I was already doing that.

Person:

THEN DO IT HARDER.

You:

I’m leaving.

Advocacy Status

MESSAGE: GOOD.

DELIVERY: EXHAUSTING.

Shirt:

Or don’t, whatever.

You:

Much better.

The Café Owner

Customer:

I like your shirt.

Owner:

Thanks.

Customer:

You own a coffee shop.

Owner:

Yep.

Customer:

And your shirt says “Buy Local Coffee, Or Don’t, Whatever.”

Owner:

Yep.

Customer:

Shouldn’t you be more enthusiastic?

Owner:

Coffee’s good.

Try it.

Customer:

That’s your sales pitch?

Owner:

Pretty much.

Customer:

I respect it.

Owner:

Want a cup?

Customer:

Absolutely.

Sales Status

PRESSURE: ZERO.

COFFEE QUALITY: HIGH.

CUSTOMER: CONVERTED ANYWAY.

Owner:

See?

The Barista Wearing It

Customer:

Does your boss know you’re wearing that?

Barista:

Yep.

Customer:

They’re okay with “or don’t”?

Barista:

We discussed it.

Customer:

And?

Barista:

They had coffee.

Customer:

So?

Barista:

Everything was fine afterward.

Customer:

Fair.

The Farmers Market

Vendor:

Locally roasted coffee!

You:

Nice.

Vendor:

Want a sample?

You:

Sure.

Vendor:

What do you think?

You:

Good.

Vendor:

Want a bag?

You:

Sure.

Vendor:

That was easy.

You:

Good product.

No speech needed.

Vendor:

I like you.

You:

Don’t make this emotional.

The Road Trip

Friend:

Coffee?

You:

Yes.

Friend:

There’s a chain at the next exit.

You:

Anything local?

Friend:

There’s a place eight miles off route.

You:

Eight miles?

Friend:

Yep.

You:

Chain.

Friend:

I thought you supported local.

You:

I also support arriving before midnight.

Friend:

Whatever?

You:

WHATEVER.

Road Trip Status

LOCAL COFFEE: PREFERRED.

EIGHT-MILE DETOUR: REJECTED.

PRAGMATISM: ACTIVATED.

The Airport

Friend:

Want local coffee?

You:

At the airport?

Friend:

Maybe.

You:

I want whatever is closest to this gate.

Friend:

Standards gone?

You:

Airport rules.

Friend:

Fair.

Airport Coffee Status

TIME: 5:14 A.M.

FLIGHT: BOARDING SOON.

LOCALISM: TEMPORARILY SUSPENDED.

CAFFEINE: NONNEGOTIABLE.

The Hotel

Friend:

You brought your own coffee beans?

Coffee Nerd:

Yes.

Friend:

On vacation?

Coffee Nerd:

Especially on vacation.

Friend:

You brought a grinder?

Coffee Nerd:

Yes.

Friend:

Scale?

Coffee Nerd:

Yes.

Friend:

Pour-over?

Coffee Nerd:

Obviously.

Friend:

You packed an entire coffee shop.

Coffee Nerd:

Essentials.

Travel Status

SOCKS: 3 PAIRS.

SHIRTS: 2.

COFFEE EQUIPMENT: HALF THE SUITCASE.

Friend:

Priorities.

Coffee Nerd:

Exactly.

The Camping Trip

Camper:

Coffee?

Friend:

How?

Camper:

French press.

Friend:

You carried that into the woods?

Camper:

Yes.

Friend:

We hiked six miles.

Camper:

Yes.

Friend:

Worth it?

Camper:

Takes sip.

Absolutely.

Camping Status

ELECTRICITY: NONE.

CELL SERVICE: NONE.

COFFEE: SOMEHOW EXCELLENT.

Friend:

Respect.

The Coffee Emergency

Partner:

We’re out of coffee.

You:

No.

Partner:

Yes.

You:

Check cabinet.

Partner:

Empty.

You:

Freezer?

Partner:

Nothing.

You:

Backup beans?

Partner:

Those were the backup beans.

You:

Emergency beans?

Partner:

You have emergency beans?

You:

Apparently not.

Crisis Status

COFFEE: ZERO.

HOUSEHOLD STABILITY: CRITICAL.

You:

Get your shoes.

Partner:

Where are we going?

You:

LOCAL COFFEE SHOP.

Partner:

Now you care.

You:

THIS IS DIFFERENT.

The Gift

Recipient:

Coffee shirt!

You:

Read it.

Recipient:

“Buy Local Coffee.”

Nice.

You:

Keep reading.

Recipient:

“Or Don’t, Whatever.”

You:

There it is.

Recipient:

That’s incredibly on-brand for me.

You:

I know.

Recipient:

I care about things.

You:

Within reason.

Recipient:

Exactly.

Gift Status

COFFEE LOVER: YES.

SARCASTIC: YES.

ENTHUSIASM: CONTROLLED.

MATCH: EXCELLENT.

The Barista Gift

Barista:

You got me a shirt?

Friend:

Yep.

Barista:

Buy Local Coffee.

Nice.

Friend:

Finish it.

Barista:

Or Don’t, Whatever.

Friend:

Thoughts?

Barista:

Accurate.

Friend:

Really?

Barista:

I make coffee.

I don’t run people’s lives.

Friend:

Perfect.

The Coffee Snob Gift

Recipient:

This is making fun of me.

You:

A little.

Recipient:

Because I’m a coffee snob?

You:

A little.

Recipient:

I am not a coffee snob.

You:

You rejected my coffee because the beans were roasted nineteen days ago.

Recipient:

They were past their prime.

You:

You’re wearing the shirt.

Recipient:

Fine.

Coffee Snob Status

DENIAL: STRONG.

BEAN OPINIONS: STRONGER.

The Coworker

Coworker:

Your shirt says “Buy Local Coffee.”

You:

Yep.

Coworker:

That’s nice.

You:

Finish reading.

Coworker:

“Or Don’t, Whatever.”

You:

Yep.

Coworker:

That went downhill quickly.

You:

Story of my motivation.

Coworker:

Coffee?

You:

Please.

The Shirt Philosophy

Friend:

So do you support local coffee or not?

You:

Yes.

Friend:

Then why “or don’t”?

You:

Because I’m not your supervisor.

Friend:

So the message is—

You:

Local coffee is great.

Friend:

But—

You:

Do what you want.

Friend:

That’s surprisingly reasonable.

You:

I know.

It’s annoying.

Philosophical Status

OPINION: PRESENT.

RECOMMENDATION: PRESENT.

MORAL SUPERIORITY: ABSENT.

PRESSURE: ZERO.

COFFEE: STILL RECOMMENDED.

The Ultimate Sales Pitch

Buy local coffee.

Why?

Because local cafés can be great.

Local roasters can be great.

Fresh coffee can be great.

Independent businesses can be great.

Knowing the person making your coffee can be great.

Supporting your neighborhood can be great.

Discovering some tiny café that makes the best espresso you’ve ever had?

Also great.

So go.

Try one.

Order something.

Maybe you’ll love it.

Maybe you’ll become a regular.

Maybe the barista will eventually know your order.

Maybe you’ll become one of those people who says:

“My coffee place.”

Maybe you’ll start buying whole beans.

Maybe you’ll buy a grinder.

Maybe you’ll buy a better grinder.

Maybe you’ll buy a scale.

Maybe you’ll start discussing water temperature.

Maybe you’ll use the phrase “extraction time.”

Maybe your friends will stop asking questions.

Maybe this becomes your entire personality.

Or maybe…

you’ll drink whatever coffee happens to be nearby.

That’s fine too.

Because despite what the shirt initially suggests:

We’re not starting a movement.

We’re trying to wake up.

Buy Local Coffee, Or Don’t, Whatever Unisex T-Shirt

Perfect for:

Coffee lovers.

Baristas.

Coffee shop employees.

Café owners.

Independent coffee shop regulars.

Local roaster fans.

Coffee snobs.

Coffee nerds.

Coffee geeks.

Espresso lovers.

Latte lovers.

Cappuccino people.

Cold-brew drinkers.

Pour-over obsessives.

French-press loyalists.

People who weigh their coffee.

People who don’t weigh their coffee.

People who think weighing coffee is ridiculous.

People who used to think weighing coffee was ridiculous and now own three scales.

People who buy whole beans.

People who grind fresh.

People who have opinions about grinders.

People who know what a burr grinder is.

People who wish they didn’t know what a burr grinder is because the expensive one suddenly seems reasonable.

People who discuss roast dates.

People who inspect coffee bags.

People who know their favorite origin.

People who pretend they can taste blueberry.

People who actually can taste blueberry.

People who just taste coffee.

People who don’t care because it tastes good.

People who drink dark roast.

People who drink light roast.

People who refuse to participate in that argument.

People who love neighborhood cafés.

People who support small businesses.

People who try to shop local.

People who shop local when practical.

People who understand that “support local” doesn’t require turning every purchase into a moral philosophy seminar.

People who know their barista.

People whose barista knows their order.

People who have “their table” at a café.

People who work remotely from coffee shops.

People who write in coffee shops.

People who read in coffee shops.

People who meet friends in coffee shops.

People who sit alone in coffee shops and consider that a feature, not a problem.

Teachers.

Office workers.

Remote workers.

Students.

Writers.

Designers.

Programmers.

Night-shift workers.

Early-shift workers.

People who should not be expected to communicate before coffee.

People who say “coffee first.”

People who mean it.

People who have backup coffee.

People who should probably establish emergency backup coffee.

People who become 63% more approachable after one cup.

People who use sarcasm recreationally.

People who love dry humor.

People who love deadpan jokes.

People who dislike overly enthusiastic motivational slogans.

People who like good ideas delivered with minimal emotional pressure.

People looking for a funny coffee shirt.

People looking for a barista gift.

People looking for a coffee lover gift.

People looking for a coffee snob shirt.

People looking for a sarcastic coffee T-shirt.

People looking for a local coffee shirt.

People looking for a café worker gift.

People looking for a caffeine shirt.

And anyone whose personal philosophy can be summarized as:

Support your community.

Shop small.

Try the independent café.

Meet your local roaster.

Drink good coffee.

Be nice to your barista.

Tip well.

Enjoy your beverage.

And don’t turn it into a personality contest.

BUY LOCAL COFFEE.

It’s a good idea.

OR DON’T.

We’re not your parents.

WHATEVER.

Buy Local Coffee Final Status Report

MORNING: TOO EARLY.

EYES: PARTIALLY OPEN.

BRAIN: BOOTING.

PERSONALITY: LOADING.

COFFEE: REQUIRED.

CAFFEINE: INCOMING.

LOCAL CAFÉ: OPEN.

BARISTA: READY.

BEANS: FRESH.

GRINDER: GRINDING.

ESPRESSO MACHINE: HISSING.

LATTE ART: IMPRESSIVE.

CUSTOMER: BARELY CONSCIOUS.

FIRST SIP: COMPLETE.

FUNCTIONALITY: IMPROVING.

SECOND SIP: COMPLETE.

HUMANITY: RETURNING.

THIRD SIP: COMPLETE.

EMAIL: NOW POSSIBLE.

LOCAL BUSINESS: SUPPORTED.

COMMUNITY: APPRECIATED.

COFFEE SNOB: DISCUSSING ORIGIN.

NORMAL PERSON: NODDING POLITELY.

POUR-OVER: PRECISE.

ESPRESSO: INTENSE.

LATTE: COMFORTING.

COLD BREW: DANGEROUSLY EASY TO DRINK.

FRENCH PRESS: STEEPING.

OFFICE COFFEE: FREE.

FREE COFFEE: STILL COFFEE.

BARISTA: UNDER-CAFFEINATED DESPITE OCCUPATION.

REGULAR CUSTOMER: PRESENT.

REGULAR ORDER: ALREADY STARTED.

COFFEE NERD: WEIGHING WATER.

FRIEND: QUESTIONING LIFE CHOICES.

LOCAL ROASTER: APPRECIATED.

SMALL BUSINESS SUPPORT: ENCOURAGED.

LECTURE: NOT INCLUDED.

GUILT TRIP: CANCELLED.

MORAL SUPERIORITY: OUT OF STOCK.

SARCASTIC ENERGY: FULLY STOCKED.

ENTHUSIASM: CAREFULLY RATIONED.

MOTIVATIONAL SPEECH: DECLINED.

SALES PITCH: LOSING INTEREST.

CALL TO ACTION: BUY LOCAL COFFEE.

FOLLOW-UP CALL TO ACTION: OR DON’T.

FINAL ARGUMENT: WHATEVER.

CURRENT STATUS: CAFFEINATED INDIFFERENCE ACHIEVED.

Tags: Buy Local Coffee Shirt, Buy Local Coffee Or Don’t Whatever Shirt, Funny Coffee Shirt, Sarcastic Coffee Shirt, Coffee Lover Shirt, Coffee Snob Shirt, Barista Shirt, Funny Barista Gift, Local Coffee Shirt, Coffee Shop Shirt, Caffeine Shirt, Coffee Humor Tee, Independent Coffee Shop Shirt, Coffee Lover Gift, Deadpan Humor Shirt, Parody Coffee Shirt

 

This heavy cotton tee has the classic cotton look and feel. Casual elegance will make it an instant favorite in everyone’s wardrobe.

.: Classic fit

.: 100% Cotton (fibre content may vary for different colors)

.: Light fabric (5.3 oz/yd² (180 g/m²))

.: Tear away label

.: Runs true to size

 

	S	M	L	XL	2XL	3XL	4XL	5XL
Width, in	18.00	20.00	22.00	24.00	26.00	28.00	30.00	32.00
Length, in	28.00	29.00	30.00	31.00	32.00	33.00	34.00	35.00
Sleeve length (from center back), in	15.10	16.50	18.00	19.50	21.00	22.40	23.70	25.00
Size tolerance, in	1.50	1.50	1.50	1.50	1.50	1.50	1.50	1.50

 

Weight	N/A